What's best for the kids?

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04/26/2010 10:50

Subject: What's best for the kids?

Anonymous

Say you and your teenage kids had moved in with your boyfriend, thinking it was a forever relationship and you'd be getting married. But say it didn't work... say you decided after eight months that you needed to leave, since you and BF just really, really weren't getting along.

Say BF agreed that you should probably break up, but asked you to give it a little bit more of a chance, just for another month or so, to see if there was any way to make it work, but you said no, you had decided you needed to leave as soon as possible after the school year ended. (Your teens are in private school and will not need to change schools when you move, just change houses, since you plan to stay in the same general area). Say BF urged you not to tell the kids yet, since living together for several months after telling them would be so painful for everyone. But say you decided that your kids needed to know asap, since you figured they'd realize something was wrong and since you want them to feel involved in the decision about where to move. Say you told your kids all this and they were upset and angry about having to move, and BF and his (younger) kids were also upset about the whole painful situation.

Say BF now says he finds the prospect of living together for another two months almost unbearable under the circumstances: he says he can't handle sharing a house with you, sharing meals and day to day life with you. He says he can't and won't try to force you to leave before you are ready (though you pay no rent and don't own the house), and that he will of course be polite to you and kind to the kids as long as you must be there, but he asks you to please move sooner, within a couple of weeks, and not wait until mid June or July.

Say you could afford to move into temporary furnished housing for a couple of months while looking for a permanent place. (Say BF offers to split the cost of temporary housing, and is fine with having you move other possessions only when you have found a permanent place).

What should you do? Do you think it is better for you and the teenagers to be able to remain in BF's house until after the end of the school year, against BF's wishes and even if the situation is extremely tense and unhappy? Or do you think it's better for them to move sooner, even if it's with suitcases to a temporary furnished place while searching for a long-term rental?

On the one hand having to move elsewhere before the school year ends could be really tough on them. It's not their fault that you and BF moved in together and they had to leave their old house; it's not their fault that now they're going to have to move somewhere else. So why should they have to go through a temporary move before the real move?

On the other hand, things are likely to be painful and tense. You'll be sleeping in the guest room. BF will be miserable. His kids will be sad. This won't be much fun for your kids either.

Should you find temporary housing and get out ASAP? Or should you tell BF he just has to tough it out for another couple of months, because you're not willing to disrupt your kids' school year?

What would you do?