DH gift requests take up so much space - say no?

Anonymous
DH and I have always had conflicts around how much space his stuff takes up, so this is not new. He has hoarding tendencies and a space-intensive hobby. We moved to a larger house in part because of his stuff, and he's taken over the whole basement already.

Anyway, with his birthday and Christmas approaching, he has asked for an air fryer and a soda stream. These will both sit on the counter with his giant Keurig, plus the everyday stuff we both use like the knife block, kettle, and toaster. It's just very cluttered and I hate it. We had a regular fryer for a while and it was rarely used but also gross to store. His other gift requests, for example to family, are for his hobby that has taken over the basement.

It feels wrong to tell him he "can't" have kitchen stuff. But where is a sensible and fair place to draw the line? Should I just try to rearrange the kitchen so these things are more hidden?
Anonymous
What is his hobby and how much does he do it? How will it affect his life satisfaction and, by extension your relationship, if you limit it?
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:What is his hobby and how much does he do it? How will it affect his life satisfaction and, by extension your relationship, if you limit it?


I don't want to ID myself but basically large scale crafts, including woodworking and airbrush painting. He has a bunch of tools, supplies, preliminary attempts that he doesn't throw out, parts he might use later, etc. Yes, he loves it and yes limiting it affects our relationship. But, left unchecked it is bad for our family -- with him home during pandemic he came close to losing his job because he kept popping into the basement to do something).
Anonymous
For each item that comes into the house something else goes out.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:What is his hobby and how much does he do it? How will it affect his life satisfaction and, by extension your relationship, if you limit it?


I don't want to ID myself but basically large scale crafts, including woodworking and airbrush painting. He has a bunch of tools, supplies, preliminary attempts that he doesn't throw out, parts he might use later, etc. Yes, he loves it and yes limiting it affects our relationship. But, left unchecked it is bad for our family -- with him home during pandemic he came close to losing his job because he kept popping into the basement to do something).


Sounds like model railroading. The people I’ve known who do that tend to be really nice people who have a good sense of community around their hobby. There’s a lot to be said for having a passion for something like this.
Anonymous
We keep everything in the pantry. Put knives in a drawer or on the wall on one of those magnet strips
Anonymous
You sound like you have a problem. The knife block is ok because you use it, but the keurig isn’t because you don’t?
Anonymous
an air fryer and a soda stream are reasonable requests. Air fryers can be large but can also be put away in a pantry. The soda stream is pretty streamlined. I get not liking counter clutter but this is a bad line to draw.

The almost losing his job due to hobby obsession is a whole different issue.
Anonymous
I have a borderline hoarder DH too and after 20 years together, I’ve given up in a lot of aspects. Our kitchen countertops are full of his stuff, we have a 3-car garage that we can only occasionally park one car in. I used to use his work travel as time to at least get rid of his piles and piles of papers - I’d toss them while he was gone and he never knew. But then travel stopped 18 months ago, and he’ll see them in the trash or recycling and pull them out.

So I have areas in the house that are off-limits to his junk. He can have the garage, the home office, the basement. Common living areas, no. If I see hos crap there I tell him to find another place for it, or I will. And after he loses interest in a small kitchen appliance, I store it somewhere.

It’s a continuing battle and my DH just is not going to change. His mother and siblings are very similar. In the DNA.
Anonymous
He needs to rearrange so they’re not stored on the counter.

Air fryers are just little convection ovens. You already have one.
Anonymous
Air frying is a gimmick like the above person said.
Anonymous
We have a bread maker, ice cream maker, waffle iron, air fryer, and instantpot. None sit on the counter. They all fit in the same under counter cabinet. We do leave out the ninja blender and toaster. I
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:You sound like you have a problem. The knife block is ok because you use it, but the keurig isn’t because you don’t?


It sounds the knife block is used by EVERYONE on a daily basis. The other appliances are used rarely by one person. Since this is communal space, the distinction matters.

Anonymous
No.

My husband hoards. We have a small house. It's awful. I battle to keep clear boundaries: he can clutter up the basement. He can clutter his office space, which sadly is part of our open floor plan. He CANNOT clutter up the rest of our home. He puts stuff in the sunroom anyway, but I nag him to take it away. He wants to keep expired food in the kitchen and store empty jars there, and I throw them away, which leads to fights. I have to resort to sneak stuff out when he's not looking, even though I know if he catches me we're in for a huge blowout, because otherwise he just WILL NOT take things out of the house. I have 10 bags of trash right now in the basement bathroom - expired shelf-stable pantry items, expired toiletries, expired medication, empty bottles, construction scraps and odds and ends, things that no sane person would ever use - that he refused to put to the curb last week because he wanted to go through it to make sure there wasn't something usable in there. He will find the expired food and probably vow to eat it, then promptly forget about it. Then it's going to sit somewhere until I try to get rid of it again. He is otherwise an intelligent research scientist. You'd think he'd see this about himself.

Be very firm, OP, because it's easier to never have space cluttered than to take it back once it is cluttered! Please believe me. I am living this nightmare. You're lucky you have a bigger house. Keep his clutter to the basement, and basement ONLY.

Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:You sound like you have a problem. The knife block is ok because you use it, but the keurig isn’t because you don’t?


Hoarder argument. You lose equal use privileges once you've shown you can't control your space.

post reply Forum Index » Relationship Discussion (non-explicit)
Message Quick Reply
Go to: