A travel question that is much more a family relations question

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you decline to visit a beloved family member in their new home because you would rather spend the time going somewhere more interesting, you’re going to damage the relationship. You just are. Sure, if you can’t afford it, or you would be arrested entering the country, or it would lose your security clearance, or it would be a disaster with your million tiny children, fine. But if it’s just that you want to go somewhere else instead, your family member will think you just don’t care very much about them. And they would be right.

They’re the one who moved thousands of miles away. Now who’s the uncaring one?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If my sibling moved to a country I did not care to visit I would still go to visit them at least once. I would want to understand their new life, be able to picture them at the coffee shop they always talk about, see their home, get a sense of the culture. I would consider that time as well spent as time checking something off my bucket list.

If I was not into travel, I might only go once. If I traveled internationally at least 1-2 times a year, I’d try to visit every 5 years or so so long as my health held up.

+1. I took a trip I couldn’t really afford to see what a sibling’s life was like abroad. It’s too far and expensive to go regularly but I will definitely go at least once more.

[Anonymous]

I am originally from a very controversial country but I have family that do not support it's government but for various reasons cannot emigrate. I still love and support my family. You can distinguish between family and the government. How far you take it is up to you, of course.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am originally from a very controversial country but I have family that do not support it's government but for various reasons cannot emigrate. I still love and support my family. You can distinguish between family and the government. How far you take it is up to you, of course.

This is fine as long as it works for everybody expected to travel. If anyone in the travel party would be treated poorly upon arrival, or during their time there, it’s not reasonable to expect them to visit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am originally from a very controversial country but I have family that do not support it's government but for various reasons cannot emigrate. I still love and support my family. You can distinguish between family and the government. How far you take it is up to you, of course.

This is fine as long as it works for everybody expected to travel. If anyone in the travel party would be treated poorly upon arrival, or during their time there, it’s not reasonable to expect them to visit.

That's fair enough. I wouldn't expect anyone to put themselves in danger or to subject themselves to bad treatment. But for what it's worth, if you read the State Department warnings for that country, it looks quite unsafe. It really isn't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am originally from a very controversial country but I have family that do not support it's government but for various reasons cannot emigrate. I still love and support my family. You can distinguish between family and the government. How far you take it is up to you, of course.

This is fine as long as it works for everybody expected to travel. If anyone in the travel party would be treated poorly upon arrival, or during their time there, it’s not reasonable to expect them to visit.

That's fair enough. I wouldn't expect anyone to put themselves in danger or to subject themselves to bad treatment. But for what it's worth, if you read the State Department warnings for that country, it looks quite unsafe. It really isn't.

Yeah, in our family right now the travel controversy is my BIL’s partner (Peruvian) doesn’t feel comfortable traveling to the U.S right now.
My SIL is acting like it’s a grand insult that they won’t see her kids schools and the family should condemn them both forever rather than…we take a 1:45 minute flight and vacation with them somewhere else (our plan, without enraged SIL). Demanding family members go where you say despite their misgivings and making them experience — at best— anxiety for their well being as the price of a relationship is controlling and unhealthy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you for the replies. Would the PP responses change if I add that my not visiting would absolutely damage my relationship with my sister? She would never understand and would take it personally.

Just say on repeat and lob back any guilting that you just wish she hadn’t moved away. Why don’t you visit? I just wish so much you hadn’t moved away. You could visit? Why don’t you visit? I just wish you haven’t moved away….. repeat.

This x1000. I really don’t understand why you allow your sister to dictate the terms of your relationship. If you don’t do what I want by giving up your own travel or following me then our relationship is damaged is not a sister who values the relationship in the first place.

Seems fairly common to let a family member dictate, given all the responses telling OP to keep doing so.

The comments telling OP to pucker up and appease her sisters demands or ELSE are the pushy, controlling type people who screw over their own extended families.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you for the replies. Would the PP responses change if I add that my not visiting would absolutely damage my relationship with my sister? She would never understand and would take it personally.

Just say on repeat and lob back any guilting that you just wish she hadn’t moved away. Why don’t you visit? I just wish so much you hadn’t moved away. You could visit? Why don’t you visit? I just wish you haven’t moved away….. repeat.

This x1000. I really don’t understand why you allow your sister to dictate the terms of your relationship. If you don’t do what I want by giving up your own travel or following me then our relationship is damaged is not a sister who values the relationship in the first place.

Seems fairly common to let a family member dictate, given all the responses telling OP to keep doing so.

The comments telling OP to pucker up and appease her sisters demands or ELSE are the pushy, controlling type people who screw over their own extended families.

I was thinking the same. The whole way OP frames this that the sister expects her to do anything indicates there is a power imbalance. OP needs to work on why she cares so much what her sister expects. Having been on the other side, I'm betting the sister is insecure and criticizes (to put it mildly) OP when she doesn't cave to her demands.

This is not ultimately a sister problem. It's a problem of OP deciding once and for all that she is an adult who has permission to live her life/spend her time/spend her money on her terms and yes, it will upset the family dynamic in the short term, but that's because it's already unhealthy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you for the replies. Would the PP responses change if I add that my not visiting would absolutely damage my relationship with my sister? She would never understand and would take it personally.

Just say on repeat and lob back any guilting that you just wish she hadn’t moved away. Why don’t you visit? I just wish so much you hadn’t moved away. You could visit? Why don’t you visit? I just wish you haven’t moved away….. repeat.

This x1000. I really don’t understand why you allow your sister to dictate the terms of your relationship. If you don’t do what I want by giving up your own travel or following me then our relationship is damaged is not a sister who values the relationship in the first place.

Seems fairly common to let a family member dictate, given all the responses telling OP to keep doing so.

The comments telling OP to pucker up and appease her sisters demands or ELSE are the pushy, controlling type people who screw over their own extended families.

I was thinking the same. The whole way OP frames this that the sister expects her to do anything indicates there is a power imbalance. OP needs to work on why she cares so much what her sister expects. Having been on the other side, I'm betting the sister is insecure and criticizes (to put it mildly) OP when she doesn't cave to her demands.

This is not ultimately a sister problem. It's a problem of OP deciding once and for all that she is an adult who has permission to live her life/spend her time/spend her money on her terms and yes, it will upset the family dynamic in the short term, but that's because it's already unhealthy.

Just saw this from Carolyn Hax that explains why I'm reacting to the framing about expectations:

"Expectations, meanwhile, are not invoices. You were — are — never required to fit anybody’s description. So it was always her responsibility to handle her disappointment privately, releasing her unrealized visions vs. hounding you to change."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you for the replies. Would the PP responses change if I add that my not visiting would absolutely damage my relationship with my sister? She would never understand and would take it personally.

That was a DIL who is not interested in a better relationship. OP says she cares about the relationship with her sister.

Just say on repeat and lob back any guilting that you just wish she hadn’t moved away. Why don’t you visit? I just wish so much you hadn’t moved away. You could visit? Why don’t you visit? I just wish you haven’t moved away….. repeat.

This x1000. I really don’t understand why you allow your sister to dictate the terms of your relationship. If you don’t do what I want by giving up your own travel or following me then our relationship is damaged is not a sister who values the relationship in the first place.

Seems fairly common to let a family member dictate, given all the responses telling OP to keep doing so.

The comments telling OP to pucker up and appease her sisters demands or ELSE are the pushy, controlling type people who screw over their own extended families.

I was thinking the same. The whole way OP frames this that the sister expects her to do anything indicates there is a power imbalance. OP needs to work on why she cares so much what her sister expects. Having been on the other side, I'm betting the sister is insecure and criticizes (to put it mildly) OP when she doesn't cave to her demands.

This is not ultimately a sister problem. It's a problem of OP deciding once and for all that she is an adult who has permission to live her life/spend her time/spend her money on her terms and yes, it will upset the family dynamic in the short term, but that's because it's already unhealthy.

Just saw this from Carolyn Hax that explains why I'm reacting to the framing about expectations:

"Expectations, meanwhile, are not invoices. You were — are — never required to fit anybody’s description. So it was always her responsibility to handle her disappointment privately, releasing her unrealized visions vs. hounding you to change."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you for the replies. Would the PP responses change if I add that my not visiting would absolutely damage my relationship with my sister? She would never understand and would take it personally.

Just say on repeat and lob back any guilting that you just wish she hadn’t moved away. Why don’t you visit? I just wish so much you hadn’t moved away. You could visit? Why don’t you visit? I just wish you haven’t moved away….. repeat.

This x1000. I really don’t understand why you allow your sister to dictate the terms of your relationship. If you don’t do what I want by giving up your own travel or following me then our relationship is damaged is not a sister who values the relationship in the first place.

Seems fairly common to let a family member dictate, given all the responses telling OP to keep doing so.

The comments telling OP to pucker up and appease her sisters demands or ELSE are the pushy, controlling type people who screw over their own extended families.

I was thinking the same. The whole way OP frames this that the sister expects her to do anything indicates there is a power imbalance. OP needs to work on why she cares so much what her sister expects. Having been on the other side, I'm betting the sister is insecure and criticizes (to put it mildly) OP when she doesn't cave to her demands.

This is not ultimately a sister problem. It's a problem of OP deciding once and for all that she is an adult who has permission to live her life/spend her time/spend her money on her terms and yes, it will upset the family dynamic in the short term, but that's because it's already unhealthy.

Just saw this from Carolyn Hax that explains why I'm reacting to the framing about expectations:

"Expectations, meanwhile, are not invoices. You were — are — never required to fit anybody’s description. So it was always her responsibility to handle her disappointment privately, releasing her unrealized visions vs. hounding you to change."

That was a DIL who is not interested in a better relationship. OP says she cares about the relationship with her sister.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would go once.

This. To preserve my relationship with my sister I'd go once.

But I would have already made my stance on the country's politics clear, so my sister would not be surprised by my lack of desire to go.

[Anonymous]

I have a sister who has lived abroad for over a decade in 2 countries I've not really been interested in visiting. We only see them when they come to the US every summer.

DH and I are very well off so once we're no longer trapped by school schedules we will probably go and visit once, but only because we can afford it. If I had limited resources I'd be hard pressed to spend those dollars going somewhere not on my bucket list. I'd just wait to see them in the US. I'd be very apologetic about it, and mean it, but truthful with my sister about my finances.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you for the replies. Would the PP responses change if I add that my not visiting would absolutely damage my relationship with my sister? She would never understand and would take it personally.

Just say on repeat and lob back any guilting that you just wish she hadn’t moved away. Why don’t you visit? I just wish so much you hadn’t moved away. You could visit? Why don’t you visit? I just wish you haven’t moved away….. repeat.

This x1000. I really don’t understand why you allow your sister to dictate the terms of your relationship. If you don’t do what I want by giving up your own travel or following me then our relationship is damaged is not a sister who values the relationship in the first place.

Seems fairly common to let a family member dictate, given all the responses telling OP to keep doing so.

The comments telling OP to pucker up and appease her sisters demands or ELSE are the pushy, controlling type people who screw over their own extended families.

No one is saying that, come on. OP doesn't have to do anything she doesn't want to, but she also has no control over whether her sister's feelings are hurt over it. Choices have consequences, no matter which way OP decides here.

Also like someone else said isn't this all hypothetical at the moment anyway?