How to tell my sister that I’m pregnant

[Anonymous]

In October, my sister and I confided in each other that we were both trying for second kids. She had just done an egg transfer (her #1 was a successful ivf baby due to PCOS and genetic issues), and I had just gone off the pill. We both did the TWW and got BFNs. She only has 1 embryo left that’s only B quality, and just found out that she may have some uterine trauma from giving birth that’s affecting the thickness of her uterine lining— ie she may not be able to carry a baby to term, and may need to do another egg retrieval even if she tries again. It’s been extremely painful and sad for her, and I want to be there for her as much as I can.

Of course, I got a BFP this month. So how do I tell her that I’m pregnant? Should I wait for the 8 week u/s? I typically would tell her immediately because we are very close. Now I’m worried about how this news will affect our relationship. Any advice?

[Anonymous]

I would just tell her. Don’t apologize for it or anything.

[Anonymous]

I had to deal with this last year. I texted her so that she could receive the info and react/cry/etc. without feeling like she had to congratulate me on the phone or sound happy about it.

As a warning - I hope your sister reacts better than mine did - we barely spoke for a year and a half. She has yet to really acknowledge my baby. It's basically ended our relationship. She's going through the adoption process now and I'm just praying that once she has a baby we can go back to normal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had to deal with this last year. I texted her so that she could receive the info and react/cry/etc. without feeling like she had to congratulate me on the phone or sound happy about it.

As a warning - I hope your sister reacts better than mine did - we barely spoke for a year and a half. She has yet to really acknowledge my baby. It's basically ended our relationship. She's going through the adoption process now and I'm just praying that once she has a baby we can go back to normal.

I’m sorry but that’s just crap. She never acknowledged your baby? Her pain is no excuse. That is vile behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had to deal with this last year. I texted her so that she could receive the info and react/cry/etc. without feeling like she had to congratulate me on the phone or sound happy about it.

As a warning - I hope your sister reacts better than mine did - we barely spoke for a year and a half. She has yet to really acknowledge my baby. It's basically ended our relationship. She's going through the adoption process now and I'm just praying that once she has a baby we can go back to normal.

I’m sorry but that’s just crap. She never acknowledged your baby? Her pain is no excuse. That is vile behavior.

People deal with pain in different ways. It was probably all she could do not to cry when she saw your baby. That’s how I was with babies for a long time (still dealing with infertility 3 years on)... agree it would be better for all of she could handle things differently

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had to deal with this last year. I texted her so that she could receive the info and react/cry/etc. without feeling like she had to congratulate me on the phone or sound happy about it.

As a warning - I hope your sister reacts better than mine did - we barely spoke for a year and a half. She has yet to really acknowledge my baby. It's basically ended our relationship. She's going through the adoption process now and I'm just praying that once she has a baby we can go back to normal.

I’m so sorry for you. I know I can’t control how she reacts but I want to be as sensitive to her feelings as I can. Maybe a text is a good first step

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had to deal with this last year. I texted her so that she could receive the info and react/cry/etc. without feeling like she had to congratulate me on the phone or sound happy about it.

As a warning - I hope your sister reacts better than mine did - we barely spoke for a year and a half. She has yet to really acknowledge my baby. It's basically ended our relationship. She's going through the adoption process now and I'm just praying that once she has a baby we can go back to normal.

I’m sorry but that’s just crap. She never acknowledged your baby? Her pain is no excuse. That is vile behavior.

Agreed. I know I’ll get flamed for this, but I think people who that selfish and self absorbed shouldn’t have children, and I’m kind of glad they don’t.

[Anonymous]

I know my friend who had a miscarriage right before her sister got pregnant was really hurt that her sister didn't tell her about her pregnancy until later on. I agree that a text would be best. And maybe after the initial announcement, I'd just make sure she knows that you're always there for support and how much she and your niece mean to you.

[Anonymous]

I was your sister (except I didn’t have any kids) and I found email to be easiest. Maybe because texts tend to carry the expectation of immediate response?

[Anonymous]

I would tell her now. Could you send her a text that said something like "let me know when's a good time to chat - I have news!" so she'll expect it?

My sister-in-law got pregnant several months after I had my second and had an early miscarriage, but she still barely acknowledges my now 3 year old. Hoping your sister has nothing but joy for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had to deal with this last year. I texted her so that she could receive the info and react/cry/etc. without feeling like she had to congratulate me on the phone or sound happy about it.

As a warning - I hope your sister reacts better than mine did - we barely spoke for a year and a half. She has yet to really acknowledge my baby. It's basically ended our relationship. She's going through the adoption process now and I'm just praying that once she has a baby we can go back to normal.

I’m sorry but that’s just crap. She never acknowledged your baby? Her pain is no excuse. That is vile behavior.

Agreed. I know I’ll get flamed for this, but I think people who that selfish and self absorbed shouldn’t have children, and I’m kind of glad they don’t.

You deserve to get flamed for that. The statement in and of itself is selfish. You have no idea the trauma that other people go through to have a family. If you're one of those people and it didn't affect you as adversely, than good for you and your resiliency. But not everyone is built that one, and not everyone's journey is the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was your sister (except I didn’t have any kids) and I found email to be easiest. Maybe because texts tend to carry the expectation of immediate response?

I agree with this. A few years back, when DW and I were going through IVF to have our second and DW had just experienced a miscarriage, my younger brother told me in person that his wife was expecting their second. He's not the most socially adroit person, and added "Yeah, we were really surprised because it happened the first month after she went off the pill!" Would have much preferred to get that info in an email so that I could process it before seeing him.

I'll also add this - it sounds like you two are having parallel but absolutely different experiences, OP. As you both started trying for a second, she was/is doing IVF - which is considerably more invasive, unromantic, and stressful - and you went off birth control. You get to have timed intercourse, she gets to go be poked and prodded before sitting in a cold office for an embryo transfer. So in addition to you getting your BFP, it was in a lot of ways easier for you to get there. Just something to think about that might help you understand her POV if she doesn't take the news well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had to deal with this last year. I texted her so that she could receive the info and react/cry/etc. without feeling like she had to congratulate me on the phone or sound happy about it.

As a warning - I hope your sister reacts better than mine did - we barely spoke for a year and a half. She has yet to really acknowledge my baby. It's basically ended our relationship. She's going through the adoption process now and I'm just praying that once she has a baby we can go back to normal.

I’m sorry but that’s just crap. She never acknowledged your baby? Her pain is no excuse. That is vile behavior.

Agreed. I know I’ll get flamed for this, but I think people who that selfish and self absorbed shouldn’t have children, and I’m kind of glad they don’t.

Original quoted PP here and while I agree my sister is pretty self absorbed (that was true before infertility and infertility has made it 100x worse), I would never go so far as to say she shouldn't have children. Her pain is unimaginable to me. Al I want in the world is for her to get a baby and to repair our relationship. I have no doubt that baby will be incredibly loved if not obsessed over by my sister. People with far worse personality traits than self-absorption in a time of pain get to have children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was your sister (except I didn’t have any kids) and I found email to be easiest. Maybe because texts tend to carry the expectation of immediate response?

I agree with Email and the reply on their own time.

[Anonymous]

I was in the same situation. I told my sister via Facebook messenger. I didn’t want to put her on the spot with either a phone call or catch her off guard with a text and knew she checked FB once a day. She was gracious and lovely and very happy for me. Her husband had a tougher time. My dd is now 4.5 and he’s still fairly stand-offish with her.