How do you respond to "What is wrong with him?"

[Anonymous]

We are new to the DC area, having moved here this summer. As we have started meeting new people (and more new people and more new people), we have had to explain over and over that our son who looks and acts 3 is actually 5. He has developmental delays and is very very small (bone age more than a year younger than his chronological age).

He is about to start preschool, and I know the issue is going to come up more times than I can count, because he is very proud of being 5 and so tells people very forthrightly, but he is being (correctly) placed by the preschool in a 3-4 year old class. Yesterday a mom whose son is going to be in his class was incredibly rude and on hearing that he was 5, not only reacted with disbelief but then demanded to know what was wrong with him. I stammered over the answer - developmental delays - but I would really like to develop a good answer that both answers the question but also shows how rude the question is.

Any suggestions? I'd love to hear them.
Thanks.

[Anonymous]

I would try to coach you AND your son to clearly state whatever it is that he has with chin held high and chest out, smile on face. I would say "thanks for asking, we love to help people understand our incredible son"

The more your son can speak for himself, the better off he will be too, to whatever extent he can.

[Anonymous]

That mom was very rude! PP is right, I know it's hard, but sometimes it is best to answer a rude question with a positive sentence.
My son is small for his age too and the number of moms who have rudely commented on his age/height is just sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would try to coach you AND your son to clearly state whatever it is that he has with chin held high and chest out, smile on face. I would say "thanks for asking, we love to help people understand our incredible son"

The more your son can speak for himself, the better off he will be too, to whatever extent he can.

I know it's hard, that's why it's so important for you to practice it first so that when you're coaching your son, he believes you because you believe it. I also add, "there's nothing wrong with him. We all have differences."

[Anonymous]

If someone asks in a nice way, I'm always happy to explain about my daughter. But "What's wrong with him" in my opinion should be answered with "I beg your pardon?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would try to coach you AND your son to clearly state whatever it is that he has with chin held high and chest out, smile on face. I would say "thanks for asking, we love to help people understand our incredible son"

The more your son can speak for himself, the better off he will be too, to whatever extent he can.

I know it's hard, that's why it's so important for you to practice it first so that when you're coaching your son, he believes you because you believe it. I also add, "there's nothing wrong with him. We all have differences."

OP here. Ahh you folks are wonderful -- thank you. Yes, I am a positive, upbeat person, and responding in a positive manner is great and exactly what I want to do. But I also love the suggestion of "there's nothing 'wrong' with him...he is on his own schedule and that is why he looks and seems young." He can easily learn to say this (says a proud mom who has seen the success of three years of thrice-weekly speech therapy!), and I think it's a great suggestion to teach him to stand with his head held high and say some version of this.

Thanks so much!! I am feeling much better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If someone asks in a nice way, I'm always happy to explain about my daughter. But "What's wrong with him" in my opinion should be answered with "I beg your pardon?"

OP again. I completely agree with this. One woman a few years ago left me shaking in anger, she was so nasty about my son. I realized later that I should have something like, "He may at some point outgrow his delays, but the question is whether you can outgrow your rudeness." Sigh. What I did say to her at the time was that I hoped she never had a child with delays, but if she did, I hoped she never had anyone speak to her the way she had spoken to me. And then I scooped up my not-yet-walking nearly two year old and walked to the other side of the waiting room. Sigh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If someone asks in a nice way, I'm always happy to explain about my daughter. But "What's wrong with him" in my opinion should be answered with "I beg your pardon?"

OP again. I completely agree with this. One woman a few years ago left me shaking in anger, she was so nasty about my son. I realized later that I should have something like, "He may at some point outgrow his delays, but the question is whether you can outgrow your rudeness." Sigh. What I did say to her at the time was that I hoped she never had a child with delays, but if she did, I hoped she never had anyone speak to her the way she had spoken to me. And then I scooped up my not-yet-walking nearly two year old and walked to the other side of the waiting room. Sigh.

I totally feel you. That nasty woman was either filled with regret, learned a very valuable lesson and became a better person - or - she continues to go through life rude and offensive never knowing how much she's missed because of her lack of insight. As difficult as it can be. I try to feel sorry for people like her. They're the real losers. You're son is lucky to have you.

[Anonymous]

I would have said, "Wrong??? Nothings WRONG with him. He just has some gaps in his processing and some delays, thats all. You've never known anyone with any developmental delays??"

You sound like a terrific mom. Keep reassuring yourself that he'll fill in those gaps and developmental delays in due time.

Keep reassuring your son that he's great and remind him of all that he CAN do.

[Anonymous]

I would say, in a kind tone, no raised voice, "I'm sure you did not intend to be rude with your question, but I have to say that is how it came out." If she did not intend to be rude, she will apologize, if she doesn't care about manners she will huff and leave. A win, win.

Or the lest confrontational -- though I think people like that need to be confronted --"This is nothing wrong with him, why do you ask?"

[Anonymous]

I agree with pp. You do not need to offer an explanation to anyone. There is nothing wrong with your wonderful son.

[Anonymous]

"Did you mean that to come out as rude as it sounded?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He is about to start preschool, and I know the issue is going to come up more times than I can count, because he is very proud of being 5 and so tells people very forthrightly, but he is being (correctly) placed by the preschool in a 3-4 year old class.

OP, I am not sure if this is appropriate or not, but I'm thinking that as your child is about to enter a group of children and you will be interacting with the parents on a regular basis -- are the children going to have questions about your son? If it is likely that they will, and likely that they will ask their parents, is there any point in somehow sharing briefly a little bit about your son and why he is smaller than average 5 year olds and why he is a 5 year old in preschool?

The idea being to give parents something to say to their children when they ask, because a lot of parents just don't give anything like this any thought, until it comes up the first time, and then you never know what they will come up with and what kids might say with each other.

I don't know if this is a good idea or not. It shouldn't be your job to have to explain things to other people and their children. But on the other hand, if you are the one to introduce the topic, maybe you get to decide or at least influence how parents explain stuff to their kids?

I'm not sure exactly what I am envisioning, but something like either a little note home to parents, or just mentioning something at Open House with no kids present?

" I just wanted to parents to know about our son Mike. Every child develops at different rates, and although he's 5, for medical reasons his pediatrician and teachers and we have decided to start him in preschool this year. He's already thriving in this great school community... He loves telling kids he's 5, and he'll be turning 6 this year, so we just wanted to let you know a little bit about this...."

I can't exactly think what you would tell them, but the fact that you are just bringing it up matter of fact might help prevent a reaction from a parent along the lines of "What? There's a kid in your preschool who is 5? Just had a 6 year old birthday? That's ridiculous, 5 year olds go to kindergarten..."

Just a thought,

[Anonymous]

I can remember one year at our preschool's parent orientation night (before school started that year) a couple told the parents in my daughter's class that their son had certain medical issues. They explained everything in a perfectly matter-of-fact way. We (the other parents) were then prepared to answer any questions our children might have had. It was a wonderful, proactive approach that made everyone comfortable, and made sure that the parents were all giving their kids correct, appropriate information.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He is about to start preschool, and I know the issue is going to come up more times than I can count, because he is very proud of being 5 and so tells people very forthrightly, but he is being (correctly) placed by the preschool in a 3-4 year old class.

OP, I am not sure if this is appropriate or not, but I'm thinking that as your child is about to enter a group of children and you will be interacting with the parents on a regular basis -- are the children going to have questions about your son? If it is likely that they will, and likely that they will ask their parents, is there any point in somehow sharing briefly a little bit about your son and why he is smaller than average 5 year olds and why he is a 5 year old in preschool?

The idea being to give parents something to say to their children when they ask, because a lot of parents just don't give anything like this any thought, until it comes up the first time, and then you never know what they will come up with and what kids might say with each other.

I don't know if this is a good idea or not. It shouldn't be your job to have to explain things to other people and their children. But on the other hand, if you are the one to introduce the topic, maybe you get to decide or at least influence how parents explain stuff to their kids?

I'm not sure exactly what I am envisioning, but something like either a little note home to parents, or just mentioning something at Open House with no kids present?

" I just wanted to parents to know about our son Mike. Every child develops at different rates, and although he's 5, for medical reasons his pediatrician and teachers and we have decided to start him in preschool this year. He's already thriving in this great school community... He loves telling kids he's 5, and he'll be turning 6 this year, so we just wanted to let you know a little bit about this...."

I can't exactly think what you would tell them, but the fact that you are just bringing it up matter of fact might help prevent a reaction from a parent along the lines of "What? There's a kid in your preschool who is 5? Just had a 6 year old birthday? That's ridiculous, 5 year olds go to kindergarten..."

Just a thought,

OP again. This is a fantastic idea. I'm going to talk to the teacher about doing this and, as you say, being the one to set the tone and not let anyone else do the labeling. Thank you so much to everyone who responded. I really am feeling so much stronger and more proactive about this!