Dating for 7 Months....No Relationship

[Anonymous]

What gives? Is this the norm these days?

I'm dating a great guy, he's 34 I'm 31. Overall, I'm very happy with him, we have lots of common interests, have a connection thats growing each day spent, and a strong mutual attraction. We met in July on an online dating site, went really slow, as we both came from long-term relationships. His lasting ten years, mine five. The whole summer were spent nearly every day together. He introduced me to a lot of new things, I never thought I'd fall again. After about three months of dating, he drops the bomb that he's moving to LA to focus on a career as a consultant. While I didn't think the 200 mile distance was a big deal, I wasn't sure if he even still wanted to continue dating, but he did and we are still going strong despite some speed bumps along the way. The bulk of it has a lot to do with his job. He works ALL the time, with an erratic schedule, never knows what's ahead, which is frustrating because we can barely plan to do something together the week ahead. Whenever we do hang out, he will usually ask me last minute. I know its the nature of his job, but I feel like an after thought sometimes. I drive to see him the majority of the time (in case, he's called off to work), and will spend the entire weekend with him. We usually see one another every three weeks, which isn't enough. I'm pretty independent, though so I have no trouble filling up my time. But lately, I feel like whenever I see him, I have to reaquaint myself, like you would do on a first date, but I find it is only minor because those weekends usually turn out wonderful and sweet. We communicate almost daily, but when he's in the midst of a trial, trying to connect is very challenging, and only if I initiate. Sometimes he seems distracted. When he does have his breaks in between, I find him solely focused on me, and I see he tries his best to reconnect whether its by reading the same book, or watching the same movie over the phone. I try to be patient, but its hard especially since my friends don't seem to understand his work and have it in their heads that he has ulterior motives but I liken it to him being ambitious, independent, and not clingy (which attracted me most to him). I've turned down other potential men in order to focus on him, but now I'm not even sure if I'm just blind, wasting my time with a busy man.

Albeit the fact that he was in a ten year relationship not too long, could there be another reason why he's so hesitant on making it exclusive? It didn't sound like it was a happy relationship. He isn't dating anyone else, we both terminated our dating profiles, I have a few of my things at his place and even a spare key. We act like we are in a relationship. He acts very loving, protective, and empathetic. I just don't want to waste my time and already I'm starting to really care about this guy.

[Anonymous]

How do you know he's not dating anyone else? Sounds like he's someone else since you only see him every three weeks and he only asks you at the last minute. He could see you more if he really wanted to. The job is just an excuse.

[Anonymous]

Has he outright told you that he's not ready to be exclusive?

[Anonymous]

The only guys I met online were like that. Evasive. Pretended to be serious but weren't. They are out there. Sorry, I don't want to steer you away from online dating, but it does happen. I'm so sorry OP. The guy meant for you is out there, and one day, you will find him like I did (albeit I met mine through an older friend, he's her son. . ). you WILL eventually meet the guy right for you. Maybe in a week, a month, a year, 5 years. You'll never know till it hits you up side your head. So, meanwhile, just keep being you. But you have to get that guy out of your head to make room for new things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How do you know he's not dating anyone else? Sounds like he's someone else since you only see him every three weeks and he only asks you at the last minute. He could see you more if he really wanted to. The job is just an excuse.

I'm pretty sure he isn't dating other people. I don't see how he would have the time to juggle other women, and work, and his music. There were times where I saw him once a week, but driving 200 miles isn't a short ride and it can be taxing. Sometimes when he's working on a trial, he will work into the weekend and into the late evening. I wish I could see him more often, but its not that realistic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Has he outright told you that he's not ready to be exclusive?

No, we haven't had any talk about exclusivity. I'm waiting for him to bring it up, just a little apprehensive about bringing it up myself

[Anonymous]

Bring it up. It's not worth wasting your time if he's not on the same page. If I could go back to my dating days, I would be much more forward in speaking up and voicing my questions.

[Anonymous]

If he's told you he's not dating anyone else, and he's taken down his online profile, it sounds like you two are exclusive. You say you haven't had the 'exclusivity talk' but if you've told each other these things, to me it kind of sounds like you have.

Whether or not you feel like your relationship is moving at the right speed/getting serious enough is another matter, but it does sound like you're exclusive, just based on what you've said here.

[Anonymous]

Any man that just got out of a ten year old relationship probably isn't ready to settle down right away.

Also, the fact that he moved and left three months after dating you tells me he's just not that into you (at this time).
If he was crazy for you he wouldn't have let you go or moved.

Have fun and continue to date and others.
Good luck.

[Anonymous]

I'm surprised no one has said this. I'm sorry but move on OP. You are doing all the work. Even assuming he adores you and wants a serious relationship, your relationship is already so unbalanced that it's a recipe for unhappiness. You're at his beck and call. Trust me, this stuff does NOT get better, only worse. His actions are telling you what he is willing to put into your relationship. He has chosen to prioritize his career at this time, and that's fine, but it means any relationship with him will be unbalanced and focused on his needs and schedule. And I don't think any woman is happy in that type of relationship long term.

[Anonymous]

I think you've been with him long enough to ask him some point blank questions. Namely - Is he seeing anyone else? Would he like to be exclusive with you? Is this every three weeks thing too little for him also?

I can't imagine a guy of that age being happy only seeing his girlfriend one time a month. Not if he's really into her...

Sorry.

[Anonymous]

Oops. Just realized that you spent every day with him over the summer before he moved - good. I would definitely ask him those questions..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm surprised no one has said this. I'm sorry but move on OP. You are doing all the work. Even assuming he adores you and wants a serious relationship, your relationship is already so unbalanced that it's a recipe for unhappiness. You're at his beck and call. Trust me, this stuff does NOT get better, only worse. His actions are telling you what he is willing to put into your relationship. He has chosen to prioritize his career at this time, and that's fine, but it means any relationship with him will be unbalanced and focused on his needs and schedule. And I don't think any woman is happy in that type of relationship long term.

Exactly this. OP, read this post over and over until you get it: this relationship isn't working for you. Sure, it's "great" from time to time. But only if YOU make the effort. That's not how good strong relationships work.

You're 31. Move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm surprised no one has said this. I'm sorry but move on OP. You are doing all the work. Even assuming he adores you and wants a serious relationship, your relationship is already so unbalanced that it's a recipe for unhappiness. You're at his beck and call. Trust me, this stuff does NOT get better, only worse. His actions are telling you what he is willing to put into your relationship. He has chosen to prioritize his career at this time, and that's fine, but it means any relationship with him will be unbalanced and focused on his needs and schedule. And I don't think any woman is happy in that type of relationship long term.

+1 this poster is spot-on, and very perceptive.
OP, in all of this time he has never once come to you, never once made the 200 mile trek?
I don't care how busy he is, or how tender and sweet when you see each other - this speaks volumes.
He has no problem summoning you at the last minute - and I imagine he is not expressing his concern that you are burdened with this?
His career is his priority, and you are making things nice and easy for him by doing all of the work to maintain your relationship, which he can enjoy the benefits of without any of the work. All that being said, that doesn't actually mean that he doesn't care for you or see a future with you, but that he is very self-focused at this point in his life. None of this would be a deal-breaker but the thing is, you are feeling unfulfilled, and in truth there is a very different feeling in a relationship that is more balanced, where your partner is right there with you.
It sounds like you don't even really know if he is your boyfriend at this point.

[Anonymous]

Dedication to his career is NOT a bad thing, IMO. Are the hours that he's working only temporary? Is there an end in sight or is that just the way it's going to be with him from here on ou? He seems to have one weekend free a month on a regular basis, what is he doing on the THREE other weekends w/o Op?

Is this guy genuinely so pressed for time that he literally does not have the time to make the drive out to see Op (and really needs the Op to do the driving if they want to see each other) or is he expecting Op to do all the work, be at his beck and call whenever he can pencil her in?

These are all legitimate questions. Op - ask him!