getting started on adopting an older child

[Anonymous]

we are interested in looking into adopting an older child or foster to adopting. I have been reading a bunch of books and want to take the next step of talking to some people--DH is a bit concerned about the idea, not necessarily on board. I think we need to find some talks or groups of adoptive parents of older kids that we can talk to so we have a better understanding of whether this might really work for us.

Can anyone point me to some recommendations? any local non-profits/ agencies that specialize in older child adoption? is there a DC yahoo group of some kind? meet up?

[Anonymous]

I'm a foster (soon to be adoptive!) parent through CFSA. Once you're a foster parent, there are several types of support groups within the system. There's also a separate non profit group called the Foster Parent Advocacy Center, and the Center for Adoption Support and Education, and the Post Permanency Center. The last two have support groups for adults and kids, and adoption positive and trauma-informed therapy for kids.

For us, about to adopt a 5 year old, it's been a hard road. But it's wonderful, and I wouldn't change a thing.

But - if your husband isn't on board, don't do it. It's hard, really hard on a marriage. And we are coming through it stronger on the other side, but I could easily see people falling apart over the issues that arise during the whole process.

[Anonymous]

Adoptions Together has many different types of programs and may have one that meets your needs. They also may have programs that you might not have thought about that your husband would be amenable to.

I agree with PP about being sure your DH is on board. Parenthood is hard and parenting an older adopted child brings different challenges that are likely to be different than the parenting experiences of your friends. One other thing I would suggest is that you really educate yourself regarding the issues you might face. Two issues that I faced were/are prenatal alcohol exposure and attachment issues with both of my older adopted kids.

[Anonymous]

I second 10:11. Your DH has to absolutely be on board to the same extent. Especially with attachment-disordered children---which many older adoptees are. Attachment disorder is a broad description of the general issues that children who have suffered trauma, neglect, abandonment can have. Those issues can vary in severity, depending on the child and the degree of pre-adoption trauma. Deborah Gray is a psychologist who has written several very good books on attachment issues. There is another book called "The Connected Child" which is also very good about older child adoption and how one goes about building a bond.

We also have faced prenatal alcohol exposure (very difficult to deal with---because it is essentially a brain injury) and attachment issues.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks. Adoptions Together told me they only do infants and kids 10 and older. I'm thinking kids in the toddler younger grades age range, but know we need a lot more information to decide if we want to go down this path.

DH says "if this is what you want i"m on board" which I think, as others have noted, that's not enough. but he's a naturally cautious personality which is good, it just means we need to figure out a way to get more information--meet parents who have done it and their kids, etc. I'm having a tough time figuring out how to do that.

[Anonymous]

The best way is to go through the county or DC child welfare system directly. Usually you have to foster to adopt and its very rare for a straight adoption. You could also try international adoption.

[Anonymous]

I know that Montgomery County has information nights for people that are interested in potentially being foster parents. I assume it is led by a social worker, and you can find out basic information and ask questions. I don't know about other jurisdictions, but I assume they have something similar.

It is my understanding that adoptions of older children (I mean toddler on up) are typically foster to adopt situations, so becoming certified to be a foster parent is a first step in the process.

Best of luck.