How to deal with "I want to see Daddy"
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Anonymous
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STBXH and I separated a little more than a year ago. The first 10 mo we had a roughly 50/50 split on child custody. But then a few months ago, the Ex had a mental breakdown requiring intensive in and out-patient therapy. (The breakdown was a result of his deciding to stop taking his medication so my sympathy for him is not very high.) Initially, when he got out of the program he was interested in seeing the kids and I was fine with allowing him limited contact. That lasted about 2 weeks; then he began to be unresponsive and didn't get in contact unless I instigated it. This has now been going on for a month or so where I don't hear from him for a couple of weeks. I then call and only then does he seem interested in seeing the kids. I should say that I am not requiring him to call -- email or text would be fine -- and I don't ask him 20 questions. All I want to know is when does he want to see the kids. I have also made it clear that as he gets his life back in order, I have no problem going back to a more even custody arrangement.
The kids are not taking this terribly well. They do OK for a week or so after he visits, but then the "I want to see Daddy" refrains begin. I have not told the kids exactly what is going on as they are too young to really understand (6 & 4). I don't completely know what to say to them. I typically say something like Daddy has business to take care of. So I have 2 questions. How much do I push on the Ex? And what do I say to my children? |
Anonymous
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If the visits go okay, would it make sense to "instigate" weekly or even twice weekly visits, maybe dinner at your place one night a week and a weekend outing every weekend?
If I were in your shoes, I would probably tell my children that their father has a work schedule that doesn't allow him to visit as often as you'd all like. It's a lie in that the children will assume it's a job, but it's not a life if his work is to get better. Good luck. |
Anonymous
| I would tell them the truth- Daddy is sick and can only see them when he is feeling good. |
Anonymous
I agree; I would not lie and say it's work related. There is nothing wrong with a simple version of the truth, as shown here: Daddy is sick and can't see you as much as he would like to. He loves you but he has to get well. |
Anonymous
| It sounds like he sees the kids if you prompt him? If so, I'd make the effort as long as the kids aren't in danger or neglected because of his mental health issues. Especially since they want to see him. |
Anonymous
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I would set up a standing visitation time and text or call the night before or day of to check if he's comming.
I would look for a good therapist for the children to work through this with. Having a mentally ill parent growing up is hard. |
Anonymous
I agree with this as well. Don't lie and say that he's too busy to see them, that's hurtful. |
Anonymous
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Will your X pick up the phone if the kids call him?
It might help if they could talk to him on the phone and tell him how much they miss him. If that's possible, I would let them do it as often as they want. I agree with the other posters that you should not lie to your kids. |
Anonymous
I agree. First, they WILL eventually discover the truth and your integrity is compromised. Secondly, it implies that work is more important to him than seeing them. Kids can internalize alot without you realizing it (I speak from experience). Tell them the truth, that he is sick as a PP said. |
Anonymous
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Op here. Thanks all. I would like a regular schedule for the kids and me. I think it would be helpful for them to have something to look forward to. I had offered that initially after everything went down and as I mentioned it didn't last very long. Time to bring it up again.
He does want to see the kids when I get in touch. It just frustrates me that he isn't be proactive about it (there is a lot more stuff going on that I don't want to get into). He is not the greatest about picking up when I call. And it can take a while for him to get back to me so unfortunately the having the kids calling him idea could, I think, end up with more disappointment. |
Anonymous
| As the child of an alcoholic, I can tell you that it is best not to say that Daddy is coming ahead of time. My dad would often not show up. Luckily, my mom always knew how to roll with it and take us out for ice cream or Mc D's so that we would forget. Tell them that Daddy is sick but working on getting well. Have them write him a letter with your help or have other outlets for them. As they get older, it will be more normal for them to go longer periods in between his visits. |
Anonymous
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Re what to sya to the kids, another vote for "Daddy's sick." My dad was mentally ill and as hard as it is to understand for young kids, it's better to know the truth. To be honest it's hard to understand a mentally ill parent at any age. He is always going to be like this to some degree and you'll be framing your girls' response to him for a while.
He should also know that this is what you are having to tell his daughters in order to cover for him. If he doesn't want them to see him that way, make clear he has the power to control how they see him by showing up so you won't have to make excuses. Re how much to "push on" him, I have no firsthand experience with custody agreements but if he's not able to do the 50/50 some other agreement should be in place right now, right? I think you're right that it's time to bring back up a regular schedule, something minimal that he can stick to even if in the hospital, like always talkin gor seeing them once a week at X time. You can add on top of that if things get better but never go below it. Having something to look forward to would help him also. |
Anonymous
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Daddy's sick? Are you kidding? Have any of you been through divorce? The separation is hard enough at this age. These kids will become even more anxious. If you say Daddy's got a project, or Daddy's got work, well, that could be anything, including regaining his mental health.
OP, I'd try to get him to do something on a regular basis, once or twice a week, until he becomes more functional. It's a shame he isn't proactive, but you're not taking the lead means the children don't see him. If things do not improve, you can explain things to the chidren when they are older. Ideally, work with a family therapist. Divorce is hard enough with parents who do not have mental illness. Best to you, OP. |
Anonymous
| Yes, I am a child of divorce. I blamed my dad for all of the missed visits and then as a teenager, I internalized it. "There must be something wrong with me if he doesn't want to see me." That led to an eating disorder. Kids will blame themselves if you don't give them a reason that has nothing to do with them. |
Anonymous
+1 Kids are not stupid. Tell them the truth - sick and still loves you. Buy a kids book about mental illness or something. And get them to therapy. |