I suspect my kid stole money form my purse

[Anonymous]

But I have no way of proving it and he denies it. He's almost 13.

He's a good kid overall but impulsive. He wanted to buy an expensive item; I told him he had to pay for it himself. I knew he had some $$ saved up from several neighborhood jobs but when we satdown and planned to go to the mall this morning, I was surprised to see how much money he had -- it seemed like too much for what I knew he had earned.

When we got to the mall, I opened my wallet to discover $30 was missing. I went to the bank this morning so I know exactly how much I had. I did buy him a drink so it's remotely possible that some money fell out of my wallet, but that seems unlikely since it was all folded together and the rest was still in there.

He denies taking the money. I have no proof he took it.

Not sure how to handle this one ...

[Anonymous]

Make him account for all the money he's earned. Go job by job and add it up. Something is making you suspect he took it. How else has he shown his impulsivity?

[Anonymous]

Why would you even accuse him without any type of proof? That was very wrong of you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why would you even accuse him without any type of proof? That was very wrong of you.

I totally disagree. She has proof. He has more money than he should and she is missing her money. This is not a court of law. I agree with PP, make him specify how he got the money. I think it is especially important now that he knows you suspect because you don't want him to think you are letting it go.

[Anonymous]

I agree that you should not let it go - but also ... maybe you should try to minimize the focus on money and buying things. Even with his own money, perhaps he should not be buying an ultra expensive item ... I tell my kids I won't let them waste even their own money, that's part of my job.

[Anonymous]

Why did you have a family if you couldn't afford it?

...KIDDING!

OP, don't let it go, but this is a toughie with no concrete proof. You can put 2 and 2 together. I get not really wanting to. You know you didn't drop the money.

I would put it together for him and then make him work off $30.

[Anonymous]

It's not criminal court. You don't need proof. Circumstantial evidence is enough. You have all the evidence you need. As the mom of a teenager, I say make him tell you the truth. Wait him out. This isn't a little thing. You are setting the tone of some difficult years to come.

[Anonymous]

Totally agree with pp, you have to do something now.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I told him that I was hoping he would admit what he did so that we could deal with it and start fresh. However, I can't prove he took it so I'm going to have to accept his explanation. However, the money that is missing was money budgeted for back to school clothing, and since it's gone I can't buy him the jeans he wanted for school.

I'm trying to implement logical consequences but I don't think I can legitimately punish him for something I only suspect.

I do think I need to get back on track regarding limits for him, and work on de-emphasizing the expensive items. He worked hard for the money he did earn, and it made sense to me for him to spend it as he wanted (and we're talking Air Jordan sneakers here).

THanks for all the advice, PPs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I told him that I was hoping he would admit what he did so that we could deal with it and start fresh. However, I can't prove he took it so I'm going to have to accept his explanation. However, the money that is missing was money budgeted for back to school clothing, and since it's gone I can't buy him the jeans he wanted for school.

I'm trying to implement logical consequences but I don't think I can legitimately punish him for something I only suspect.

I do think I need to get back on track regarding limits for him, and work on de-emphasizing the expensive items. He worked hard for the money he did earn, and it made sense to me for him to spend it as he wanted (and we're talking Air Jordan sneakers here).

THanks for all the advice, PPs.

Oh, please... tell me this is not your child-rearing mantra.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I told him that I was hoping he would admit what he did so that we could deal with it and start fresh. However, I can't prove he took it so I'm going to have to accept his explanation. However, the money that is missing was money budgeted for back to school clothing, and since it's gone I can't buy him the jeans he wanted for school.

I'm trying to implement logical consequences but I don't think I can legitimately punish him for something I only suspect.

I do think I need to get back on track regarding limits for him, and work on de-emphasizing the expensive items. He worked hard for the money he did earn, and it made sense to me for him to spend it as he wanted (and we're talking Air Jordan sneakers here).

THanks for all the advice, PPs.

PP here. You are in for a long ride if your philosophy is to accept your child's explanation for everything you can't prove. As you will no doubt learn, you can almost never prove what you know to be true.

[Anonymous]

I think you'll know by his face and reaction when you tell him you cannot get him bts clothes because your money is missing. Good strategy you are doing, even if you can afford those clothes, he will live without them. If he did not take it he will still understand the value of money based on the consequences of what happened to you- you losing the money or whatever.

I stole money from my mom when I was a kid and she tricked me by telling me she could track the serial number down. I coughed it up. I was younger than your kid tho!

[Anonymous]

I think you need to be up front about the nature of trust. If he took it and he admits it, you start over. If he denies it and can't account for where he got the money state, you no longer can trust him. Make sure he feels that lack of trust, never ask him to hand you your purse and put it away in a place he cannot access. Taking money from parents is not uncommon, lying is not uncommon, but kids need to know that the loss of trust has consequences.

[Anonymous]

THanks PPs, thos elast two answers are reassuring as I am doing both of those things.

He was 100% accepting of my not buying the clothes (which we can afford but it was my strategy) which makes me think he did it.

[Anonymous]

Read NurtureShock - fascinating book discussing scientific studies on a lot of kid-related subjects, and it says 98% of kids lie. In one way, that statistic is comforting - your kid probably is typical - in another way, it's very disheartening.

Regardless, I'd keep a close eye on your purse.