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Relationship Discussion (non-explicit)
Help me understand perpetual coldness
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Anonymous
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I don't get this this. Women want intimacy yet they deny sex, closenesss, and the things they know their husbands crave. For months at a time, I don't even try to initiate anything -- to be SENSITIVE -- and when I do I get total frigidity.
Why? Someone explain this. I'm going out of my mind. |
Anonymous
| Do you pull your weight around the house? That might help. |
Anonymous
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I could every bite of food she and the kids eat. I'm the only person who drives everyone anywhere. I clean. I do all of the bills and financial drudgery.
Pulling my weight is not the problem |
Anonymous
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She doesnt have much of a sex drive. Shes in a sex rut. Ive been there.
Tell her you will have to go elsewhere if she cant step up! |
Anonymous
| That's the worst thing you can do. I was completely uninterested in sex for years after the kids were born. Still mostly uninterested. I force myself to initiate things sometimes so he doesn't go elsewhere but honestly, if he said he planned to go somewhere else I'd ask if it was time to get a lawyer. |
Anonymous
Who drives the kids to school and back? cooks? plans the meals? packs lunches? goes grocery shopping? collects laundry, including sheets and towels? puts laundry in the washer, dryer, folds, and returns items to their proper places? cleans the bathrooms? clears clutter? finds and deals with contractors? researches childcare and schools? researches and signs kids up for activities? keeps track of afterschool/weekend events? buys supplies for school? keeps in touch with teachers? plans doctors' appointments? buys birthday/holiday presents? buys children's clothing as they are outgrown? gives away/throws out outgrown clothing and shoes? researches and buys car-seats? hires household help, gardener? Just saying that because you eat your wife's food and "clean," you may be be oblivious to all that your wife does for your family. Just sayin'. |
Anonymous
| I think he meant he cooks, it looks like a typo. |
Anonymous
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Are you nice to your wife? Tell her she looks pretty? That you love her? Hold her hand? Give her a hug or a kiss? Back rub, foot rub, whatever? All without instantly wanting sex? Try that for a while, and then try leading it into sex. It's a bit of a vicious cycle. Men need sex for intimacy, women need intimacy for sex. Try spending time together, alone--talking, playing scrabble, just whatever the 2 of you want to do.
It will help, I promise. And don't stop doing the other stuff. And pick up your dirty socks. 
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Anonymous
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OP I think my ex would have posted something similar. I was angry and stressed because he did not pull his weight. I did all the parenting, worked outside the home and paid almost all the bills. I knew if I let him start sex with me it always had to be this two hour endeavor. He scowled if I suggested a quickie.
You need to get into couples therapy and get to the bottom of this. If your kids are little she's probably just overwhelmed and sex isw SO unappealling when you feel that way 
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Anonymous
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Ugg the really hate the notion that men are supposed to run around being their wives little love and house puppy to try and be deserving enough for sex. If he is being a caring, supportive husband and father and doing his part with child care and house work he shouldn't have to take over everything or constantly flatter his wife. Sex is part of intimacy, sexual intimacy is part of marriage (unless some agreement was made that both parties agree too.). I think expecting men to be perfectly fine without sex is ridiculous.
If this was a woman posting that her husband wasn't being attentive no one would tell her she needed to be his sex slave in order to deserve his affection or attention. |
Anonymous
| maybe he's really bad in bed and it's just not worth her time |
Anonymous
THIS! how's your hygiene OP? fresh breath? shower? non-cheesy balls? a little dash of cologne?. Are you in a decent-ish shape? I'm not saying you should morph into Rico Suave but physical attraction is important even in long term marriages and physical attractiveness should be kept up by BOTH parties. I love my DH but his breath is horrific, we both know this. And we both know how sensitive I am to breath. He knows he'll get farther with me quicker if he brushes his teeth or at least uses mouthwash before attempting seduction. |
Anonymous
| Or maybe it is her and not you at all. |
Anonymous
| Is she depressed? I wanted no sex when I went through a period of depression, and it had nothing to do with my husband. |
Anonymous
| Or maybe there's something really broken and dysfunctional in the marriage and OP isn't dealing with it. |