DD claims to want to continue playing instrument but has horrible attitude toward practice. Stop?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I find your question especially interesting because of my own experience. I studied piano as a child and hated practicing, so much that I gave it up. With the benefit of more life experience, I've concluded that a large part of the problem was that I didn't know how to practice. My parents were no help, just yelled at me. So the whole process was puzzling and frustrating to me.

I did very well in school with little effort, and that compounded the problem. I wasn't used to things being hard or difficult. I was afraid that if I couldn't get something right away I must be stupid.

I think suggestions to get the teacher to work with your daughter on the specifics of practicing are on target. She can help your DD develop the exec functions necessary to practicing. If the venture is successful, it will help her in all areas of her life. Good luck to both of you!

+1

Definitely talk to the teacher about the how-tos of practice. Also, I would set aside a specific time each day for practice (just as you have e.g. dinnertime, bedtime, etc.). While DD practices, you sit nearby and do some designated thing - ideally something that requires practice as well. Nothing with a screen.

My 16yo plays the cello and this is what we did with him when he was younger. Within a relatively short time he got good enough that he understood the rewards (better music, more orchestra opportunities etc.).

At 10yo, they do need some structure and reinforcement.

[Anonymous]

My friends who play a lot and love playing report being exactly the same way. They also report that their kids are the same way. The discipline of practice doesn't come naturally to kids, even when they want to play. At that age, it's hard for them to associate the drudgery of practice with what they want long term. They can't get past the immediate "I don't wanna...."

Just keep her in and keep on it. You're doing a good thing as a parent, even if it's hard.

[Anonymous]

Does she get allowance? Have her contribute a small amount toward the lesson every week she hasn't practiced enough. Maybe financial skin in the game will help motivate her and see that lessons without practicing are partially a waste of money.

My 7-year-old HATES practicing 80% of the time. The fights, whining, crying, dragging it out, etc. are really soul-killing for me. I'm looking forward to seeing if anyone has tips for motivating a child to practice!

[Anonymous]

Orchestra teacher and parent of a 7 year old musician here. Practicing IS hard. For my students, I tell them 15 minutes a day 4-5 days a week minimum. Do it at a set time each day. For my own child, no screen time until he's practiced... but I also sit and play with him (and have him take formal leasons with another teacher). Can you learn along with your child so you can play together? It's much more fun to practice with someone than alone. If not, my other suggestion is to treat it like homework. Needs to be done before going onto 'fun' part of their day.

[Anonymous]

Some 10 year olds do not have the self discipline to practice. Make her due a minimum of 15 min 3X a week at a certain time. If she won't stick to this, take it away for awhile.

[Anonymous]

Lots of people have already chimed in with good advice and perspective, so I'll just reiterate. I say this as a person from a family full of professional musicians:

Kids don't practice.

ADULTS put off practicing.

In our house we've now tied it into allowance, along with other chores. My now teen is finally motivated enough to want to get better so he gets to play more challenging and interesting stuff, but at 10? Nope. And he still doesn't practice without serious nudging.

Heck, my 40 year old professional musician brother doesn't practice without being nudged (it's self-nudging, but still).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Lots of people have already chimed in with good advice and perspective, so I'll just reiterate. I say this as a person from a family full of professional musicians:

Kids don't practice.

ADULTS put off practicing.

In our house we've now tied it into allowance, along with other chores. My now teen is finally motivated enough to want to get better so he gets to play more challenging and interesting stuff, but at 10? Nope. And he still doesn't practice without serious nudging.

Heck, my 40 year old professional musician brother doesn't practice without being nudged (it's self-nudging, but still).

...wanted to add that I charge my kid CASH MONEY ($5) if he's not ready for a lesson on time.

[Anonymous]

Also, OP, if she really loves it and is progressing, I would find a way to back track on pulling the plug for now if you can.

[Anonymous]

Just to play devils advocate, what if you decided it's up to her to practice. She can practice or not and that will impact how much she gets better. Is it really the end of the world if she likes it and learns more slowly? Aren't your goals to let her enjoy music? If they aren't, then I would stop, if they are, you can stop nagging and see what happens. I have many many parenting failures, I promise you, but I'm super proud of my piano playing son. I do not ever nag him to practice and he is not living up to his piano playing potential. However, he loves playing piano, he plays a lot (not every day, but most) and I think he is better than when he started years ago. (he never practices scales or assigned materials and is not taking lessons this summer). Good enough for me!

[Anonymous]

OP here. Just came back to read the comments and many thanks everyone! There are some really helpful ideas/suggestions here, and also it's nice to hear that this is fairly normal. To answer some questions, she doesn't play in a group, just private lessons, with recitals twice a year. Her teacher wants her to practice 30-40 minutes five days a week. She does get an allowance so we might try the idea of having her contribute to the lessons! We already sort of do that with our older child (12), who also takes lessons (different instrument--and who BTW also doesn't love practice but who whines/complains/delays far less than DD), since he constantly is late and the lessons therefore lose time--he pays for every minute missed because of his actions. Her teacher has already talked with her about how exactly to practice but maybe I'll ask her to do so again.

I guess I'll hold off on stopping the lessons for now. Thanks again, and I will come back later in case there are any other comments/replies!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Just came back to read the comments and many thanks everyone! There are some really helpful ideas/suggestions here, and also it's nice to hear that this is fairly normal. To answer some questions, she doesn't play in a group, just private lessons, with recitals twice a year. Her teacher wants her to practice 30-40 minutes five days a week. She does get an allowance so we might try the idea of having her contribute to the lessons! We already sort of do that with our older child (12), who also takes lessons (different instrument--and who BTW also doesn't love practice but who whines/complains/delays far less than DD), since he constantly is late and the lessons therefore lose time--he pays for every minute missed because of his actions. Her teacher has already talked with her about how exactly to practice but maybe I'll ask her to do so again.

I guess I'll hold off on stopping the lessons for now. Thanks again, and I will come back later in case there are any other comments/replies!

I'm one of the pp's who recommended 15 minute practice sessions. 30-40 minutes can feel HUGE to a kid or an adult. But 15 minutes can feel like something they can fit in. I've found that my child is more likely to practice 45 minutes, as requested by her teacher, if I just require 15 minutes. Some weeks, that 15 minutes/4x week is all that's ever met. But more often than not, that 15 minutes turns into 20 or 30 or even 45. It was getting her into the routine of practice that was the hardest hurdle.

[Anonymous]

Our instrumental teacher recommended even breaking up the 15 minute practices. We do a little in the morning and a little in the evening.

[Anonymous]

I don't play and neither do my children, but I was trapped in a waiting room for 2 hours with a woman who was allegedly a piano teacher for 40 years and she was telling the person next to me that the secret to getting kids to practice is to show an interest by sitting with them while they played, and if parents would take the time to do this each day it would really make a difference.

I know this is just the kind of advice you are looking for. You're welcome.

[Anonymous]

For my daughter, I got tired of paying for the instrument rental -- because she frequently put off practice and/or stalled during practice, we stopped the instrument and went with chorus instead.