How to help guide your kid on what is annoying behavior?

[Anonymous]

DS is 8 and on an SSRI for anxiety. Now he is really showing signs of ADHD and is, frankly, annoying. I've talked to his psych about it and we're dealing with it, but how can we help our son learn what annoying behaviors are? He's just always so loud, repeats himself, is attention-seeking, and just is generally annoying and it's starting to impact him socially. He can regulate well during school, but as soon as he is in a social situation outside of school he just explodes and is overwhelming to others.

[Anonymous]

Same. I have been flat out telling my kid "that behavior is annoying" not in a mean way, but in a direct way, because he doesn't pick up on hints. I would love to hear other strategies though.

[Anonymous]

I could’ve written this same post. My son of a similar age gets very wound up in social situations. It can hard to watch. Being direct and encouraging breaks can be helpful. But I do think the SSRI exacerbates this for my child.

[Anonymous]

Just a slight counterpoint - the neurotypical way of being is not necessarily better. So I wouldn't frame it as being annoying, but more like "people without adhd can sometimes be overwhelmed by a lot of talking / info dumping" or whatever. It's just a difference of preference. The way they are isn't bad, just different.

Don't get me wrong, my kid can annoy me, too. But they have other ND friends that aren't annoyed by them.

[Anonymous]

Dont - constantly redirect your ADHD kid. They get enough negative feedback in the world and it chips at their self esteem.

Do - unpack key difficult moments once they have passed (next day) and with some perspective to use them as learning opportunities

[Anonymous]

do not tell your child they are 'annoying' unless it's extreme eg ridiculous behavior. To be told you are annoying constantly will chip away at self esteem and cause mental health issues later. Break down what is annoying about it. If they are talking OVER someone, you can give guidance eg 'i think your brother was talking. just make sure, if you can, to wait if you can till the other person is finished to make your point'.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just a slight counterpoint - the neurotypical way of being is not necessarily better. So I wouldn't frame it as being annoying, but more like "people without adhd can sometimes be overwhelmed by a lot of talking / info dumping" or whatever. It's just a difference of preference. The way they are isn't bad, just different.

Don't get me wrong, my kid can annoy me, too. But they have other ND friends that aren't annoyed by them.

This is silly. They need to be able to function in the world which is like 98% not this way. It’s not different, it’s annoying, and it should be worked on. I get this is the current fashion of thinking about disability but it’s not sensible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just a slight counterpoint - the neurotypical way of being is not necessarily better. So I wouldn't frame it as being annoying, but more like "people without adhd can sometimes be overwhelmed by a lot of talking / info dumping" or whatever. It's just a difference of preference. The way they are isn't bad, just different.

Don't get me wrong, my kid can annoy me, too. But they have other ND friends that aren't annoyed by them.

This is silly. They need to be able to function in the world which is like 98% not this way. It’s not different, it’s annoying, and it should be worked on. I get this is the current fashion of thinking about disability but it’s not sensible.

It's not fashion. It's about not shaming your child and robbing them of self confidence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just a slight counterpoint - the neurotypical way of being is not necessarily better. So I wouldn't frame it as being annoying, but more like "people without adhd can sometimes be overwhelmed by a lot of talking / info dumping" or whatever. It's just a difference of preference. The way they are isn't bad, just different.

Don't get me wrong, my kid can annoy me, too. But they have other ND friends that aren't annoyed by them.

This is silly. They need to be able to function in the world which is like 98% not this way. It’s not different, it’s annoying, and it should be worked on. I get this is the current fashion of thinking about disability but it’s not sensible.

It's not fashion. It's about not shaming your child and robbing them of self confidence.

There’s also not letting your kid be so annoying that others shame them, robbing them even more of self confidence, because their parents have failed to point out to them that they are being objectively annoying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just a slight counterpoint - the neurotypical way of being is not necessarily better. So I wouldn't frame it as being annoying, but more like "people without adhd can sometimes be overwhelmed by a lot of talking / info dumping" or whatever. It's just a difference of preference. The way they are isn't bad, just different.

Don't get me wrong, my kid can annoy me, too. But they have other ND friends that aren't annoyed by them.

FWIW, I have seen this done both ways. Some parents can say “hey larlo that getting annoying” and the kid is like “hm. Okay” and stops with no hit yo self esteem. I have also seen parents say “why are you always so annoying Larlo?!? No one else is like that!” And everyone listening does a little inside.

So it can be done well. Clarity is kindness sometimes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just a slight counterpoint - the neurotypical way of being is not necessarily better. So I wouldn't frame it as being annoying, but more like "people without adhd can sometimes be overwhelmed by a lot of talking / info dumping" or whatever. It's just a difference of preference. The way they are isn't bad, just different.

Don't get me wrong, my kid can annoy me, too. But they have other ND friends that aren't annoyed by them.

This is compassionate, but enabling.
ADHD is the explanation but not the excuse for continuing a behavior that will disadvantage your child in life. Sure you can choose to indulge by setting up an expectation that behaviors are just “different” and one set of behaviors is not universally valued over another—but that would be a distortion of reality and doesn’t really serve your child well IF you can use the information instead to teach him to become more self aware.
Studies show that people with ADHD may lack these inherent cues but they are not uneducable. These are these symptoms that can be identified and you can help your child regulate and adapt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just a slight counterpoint - the neurotypical way of being is not necessarily better. So I wouldn't frame it as being annoying, but more like "people without adhd can sometimes be overwhelmed by a lot of talking / info dumping" or whatever. It's just a difference of preference. The way they are isn't bad, just different.

Don't get me wrong, my kid can annoy me, too. But they have other ND friends that aren't annoyed by them.

This is compassionate, but enabling.
ADHD is the explanation but not the excuse for continuing a behavior that will disadvantage your child in life. Sure you can choose to indulge by setting up an expectation that behaviors are just “different” and one set of behaviors is not universally valued over another—but that would be a distortion of reality and doesn’t really serve your child well IF you can use the information instead to teach him to become more self aware.
Studies show that people with ADHD may lack these inherent cues but they are not uneducable. These are these symptoms that can be identified and you can help your child regulate and adapt.

Some of these behaviors are to regulate their nervous system. They don't need excuses any more than you need an excuse for breathing. You can't completely "educate" them out of stims or repetitive behaviors. These serve a purpose, and others disapproving or being annoyed can be very damaging to a child. You can try to understand the functions of these behaviors and help to find other ways to regulate, like fidgets, extra outdoor time, etc. but not all will work all the time.

[Anonymous]

I am a special education teacher. I would try to focus on one behavior at a time. Define it, explain why others have trouble with it, explain the possible negative outcome if the behavior continues, and teach a replacement behavior. Kids need to understand the whole dynamic and then it is easier for them to adapt socially. Break it down and go over it. Anticipate when it might happen and cue and coach ahead of time, and ask how it went later.

“You are going to soccer practice. Keep your hands to yourself when you are near other kids. Grab your shorts and squeeze if you want to reach out.”

“How was practice? We’re you able to keep your hands to yourself more? I bet the other kids liked talking to you and still having their personal space!”

Have your kid watch other kids from a distance from while you narrate, like at the playground, for a minute. “I see that boy in the red shirt coming over to the slide. I think he is asking if he can play. Uh oh, that boy in the green shirt just pushed ahead of everyone and because he’s yelling he can’t hear the other kids asking him to come back to decide what they are going to play.” He has to learn to analyze what is happening and then choose appropriate behaviors.

[Anonymous]

Along the lines of PP, chose a pro-social version-"Use indoor voice" and set up a behavior chart. have him gather enough stickers to earn something. Also "catch your child using indoor voice and give verbal praise too and do that more often than corrective. Give a calm gently reminder of something like "indoor voice" and then if child corrects, give praise. You shape behavior best with positive reinforcement. Jut target 1 thing at a time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:do not tell your child they are 'annoying' unless it's extreme eg ridiculous behavior. To be told you are annoying constantly will chip away at self esteem and cause mental health issues later. Break down what is annoying about it. If they are talking OVER someone, you can give guidance eg 'i think your brother was talking. just make sure, if you can, to wait if you can till the other person is finished to make your point'.

This is way too many words and not direct enough to have an impact. "I think" is untrue and u helpful. "If you can" ditto. This wont get you anywhere with an adhd kid. "Your brother is talking, you need to wait your turn" is the correct way to phrase.