13 yr old dd and stealing

[Anonymous]

I think my dd 13 yr old is stealing. I have found her with expensive things that I know she can not buy (ie: Christian Dior lipstick, Luluemon shirt etc) and when I ask her, she says a friend gave it to her (and when I ask her who? she will say a name I don't know and tell me she left the school) or she must have gotten the shirt mixed up at school. She has taken gift cards from me, taken cash from her siblings and me, and taken her father's credit card to buy things. What should I do?

[Anonymous]

I would assume she’s stealing from your family and possibly from stores or even kids at school (lipstick screams a quick grab at Sephora or Ulta and lululemon tops makes me think she could be grabbing them in a locker room after a sport). I would also go one step further and lock her Internet down in case she is getting funds from someone she’s met online.

I would take her phone and she would not be going anywhere but school, activities and home. No walking places, no getting dropped off. My brother went through this when we were growing up and it was terrible knowing my stuff and money was never safe. I didn’t realize how much he took until years later- I hope you can get your arms around this problem before it escalates.

[Anonymous]

Immediately tell her you don’t believe her at the moment that she is lying to you. Do t wait and allow her to think she is good at being convincing.

At the very least, she needs to know that her past actions of stealing from you and other members of your family (and don’t say “taking things”—use the proper criminal terminology so that she understands the implication and weight of it…it’s STEALING) make it impossible for you to trust that she was randomly gifted $100 items by a friend at school that you’ve never heard of. Tell her it’s far more likely that the explanation is that she has developed a pattern of theft, and you are concerned because the consequences for this are not minor. What’s more, you should tell her that it worries you that she either doesn’t have a moral conscience about this or she isn’t listening to it. Either of those is not good.

You need to take bc away her privilege of going shopping unsupervised for starters. And if you catch her with stolen merchandise again, tell her you are immediately throwing it away or donating it unless she can produce a receipt. Don’t play this “it’s from a friend who moved away” nonsense.

[Anonymous]

I agree, you need to tell het you know.

You should also tell her what you know about what hapoens to kids who shoplift.

I knew someone who was caught with a friend trying to steal bras from a department store. Their parents got called and although they didn't get police records in the end, they were told they were not allowed back in the store. That's how I found out because it was a mall anchor store and whenever we went to the mall we couldn't park in that convenient lot since our friend could not cut through the store. Pretty humiliating since everybody ended up learning one way or another.

Another thing kids used to do which is harder these days (due to UPCs) is price tag switching and markdown sticker switching.

Unfortunately, you'll have to secure the valuables belonging to you and your other kids. Maybe you can get them child bank accounts with debit cards and PINS she doesn't know.

At her age, you should be pretty aware of everything she has the capability to purchase. I agree that things that seem stolen should be confiscated. If you want to get crafty, tell her that she can have a friend speak to you in person if the item was a gift. That way you have a chance to know which of her friends are either super-generous OR are your daughter's accomplices. Either way, you get valuable background info.

[Anonymous]

Therapy. Good therapy. She’s stealing to fill a hole somewhere. Lack of love or attention from one or both parents is the textbook case. But what do you think? Lack of control over her life at school? To relieve stress? It’s not something people just do for no reason.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Therapy. Good therapy. She’s stealing to fill a hole somewhere. Lack of love or attention from one or both parents is the textbook case. But what do you think? Lack of control over her life at school? To relieve stress? It’s not something people just do for no reason.

Doesn't everyone (including teens) have some sort of stress in life though? Life is not a party. Some stress at school for example is totally normal. And most people don't have picture perfect parents or a home life (there's a very thin line between overbearing parents and parents who aren't attentive enough). Sometimes teens will just experiment and test boundaries to see what they can get away with, without thinking about these things so seriously.

[Anonymous]

She lacks a moral compass. Parent failure. You need to teach her in no uncertain terms how bad stealing is. Some do it just to see if they can get away with it. Even celebrities who can afford a lipstick will still it out of arrogance. Was she brought up in a church? How did you teach her right from wrong?

[Anonymous]

A 13 year-old who steals? Where have we all heard of this situation before?

[Anonymous]

You need to consult a child therapist first for tips on how to handle this. You absolutely need to tell her you know she has been stealing. Take away anything you think she stole and don’t listen to her excuses. Don’t let a friend vouch for her, because it could be they stole it together. Go through her room and search. She should not have any money that you do not know about, and she needs to check with you before buying things.

If she steals from a family member, you need to have her repay twice whatever it was worth. She can do extra chores to make money to pay back.

If you know any police officers, ask them to talk to her about what can happen if she is caught. If there is an officer at her school, ask that person for help to scare her straight.

You need to monitor her phone and Internet use closely. And absolutely get a professional therapist’s take. It sounds like a fairly entrenched behavior. Is there an impulsive streak to her, or a general disregard for others? This behavior is a red flag for more serious things later.

[Anonymous]

DD might have a lucrative future career as a rapper or an OnlyFans star; just look at Bhad Bhabie.

[Anonymous]

Make a t shirt that says “I’m a thief ask me what I stole” and have her go around to homeless shelters and jails donating all the stolen items.