S/O - want to invite one twin but not the other...

[Anonymous]

Twin parents, please help. My 6th grader has a best friend that has a twin (all involved are boys). My son likes the brother just fine, and is totally happy to do things with both boys. But sometimes I know he'd love to just invite his bestie. When he invites his friend to hang out at our place, we always invite the brother (and he always comes). But my son wants to invite his friend to come sleep over - do we have to include twin bro?

I want to be sensitive here.

[Anonymous]

Will it be just one friend or inviting others as well?

I would think by sixth grade you don’t have to invite both twins. My son is good friends with a twin but the twin is a girl.

[Anonymous]

My twins were always invited as a set until later in middle school after they started developing different interests. I never insisted, but the boys were always together and people, I supposed, assumed. I am thankful I didn't have to deal with that. I frequently see in same sex twins one twin is less confident than the other, and the more outgoing makes friends much easier. Less outgoing twin always being left out would be hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My twins were always invited as a set until later in middle school after they started developing different interests. I never insisted, but the boys were always together and people, I supposed, assumed. I am thankful I didn't have to deal with that. I frequently see in same sex twins one twin is less confident than the other, and the more outgoing makes friends much easier. Less outgoing twin always being left out would be hard.

I will add that I realize that this isn't other people's responsibility to manage, but I'm grateful moms were considerate.

[Anonymous]

I have twin 12 yo boys.

No, you do not need to invite both. It is nice to include both boys, and 90% of the time, my boys do the same things with the same people. But they are individuals and you can invite one, but not the other. It is up to the parents to handle the situation and to teach their children that they are not a unit, but are siblings. They get to do most things together, but sometimes they don't get to do the same things.

We've had a couple situations like this (infrequent), and it's our job as parents to do something to make up for one twin missing out on an experience. In this situation, we would do something with the twin at home that he likes to do that his brother doesn't. We could order dinner (or go out) to the restaurant that his brother hates and always vetoes. We then might watch a movie that the twin staying home wants to watch for family movie night, but the other twin vetoes. Stuff like that.

[Anonymous]

I noticed the inclusion of twins dropped off in 4th grade. Even though I didn't mind people leaving one of my twins out at all, I was also apprehensive at first of just inviting other twins on their own but by 6th it's very appropriate. All twins seemed to be better behaved individually and more fun to play with so it's going to be easier if your ds doesn't have to include the other. Please do it, it won't be awkward.

[Anonymous]

It’s OK to only invite one boy. You need to be very clear with the mom that that is your plan. You tell her that your son is really excited for Joe to come over for a sleepover.

[Anonymous]

I think the sensitive thing to do is to continue to invite both boys over, including to the sleepover. They will probably start making their own plans in the next couple of years, but for now, while you are more involved, I would be inclusive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the sensitive thing to do is to continue to invite both boys over, including to the sleepover. They will probably start making their own plans in the next couple of years, but for now, while you are more involved, I would be inclusive.

I agree. Kindness never hurts OP

[Anonymous]

I thought this was going to be about 3 year olds and even at that I would encourage you to just invite the one. By 6th grade?! What the hell are you being sensitive about? Just invite the one kid!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I thought this was going to be about 3 year olds and even at that I would encourage you to just invite the one. By 6th grade?! What the hell are you being sensitive about? Just invite the one kid!

When my son was 6-7 years old, he had a friend who was a twin. We met them as a set and originally hung out with boy twins together. My son liked the nicer twin better. The bad twin would end up upsetting one or both my children and was very rough. Soon we stopped inviting both twins. I wanted to invite the nice twin my kid liked more but I couldn’t find a way to invite just one twin so we didn’t have them over and stopped inviting them to parties. We eventually moved when my son was 9.

[Anonymous]

Pp again. I had another baby so it was easier to say the twins couldn’t come over because of the new baby.

[Anonymous]

Maybe ask the parents?

"Hi, Larlo would love to invite Harlo over one on one sometime, but do you think that would cause tension or issues with his twin? We are all happy to invite both if that's better!"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I thought this was going to be about 3 year olds and even at that I would encourage you to just invite the one. By 6th grade?! What the hell are you being sensitive about? Just invite the one kid!

When my son was 6-7 years old, he had a friend who was a twin. We met them as a set and originally hung out with boy twins together. My son liked the nicer twin better. The bad twin would end up upsetting one or both my children and was very rough. Soon we stopped inviting both twins. I wanted to invite the nice twin my kid liked more but I couldn’t find a way to invite just one twin so we didn’t have them over and stopped inviting them to parties. We eventually moved when my son was 9.

I'd have just said "Bertrand would like to invite Giles over." If the mother said "What about Henry?" I'd be honest. "Bertrand and Henry don't get along based on their last interaction, so I think it's best they take a break from each other. Can we look forward to seeing Giles on Thursday? Happy to pick up and keep him through dinner."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have twin 12 yo boys.

No, you do not need to invite both. It is nice to include both boys, and 90% of the time, my boys do the same things with the same people. But they are individuals and you can invite one, but not the other. It is up to the parents to handle the situation and to teach their children that they are not a unit, but are siblings. They get to do most things together, but sometimes they don't get to do the same things.

We've had a couple situations like this (infrequent), and it's our job as parents to do something to make up for one twin missing out on an experience. In this situation, we would do something with the twin at home that he likes to do that his brother doesn't. We could order dinner (or go out) to the restaurant that his brother hates and always vetoes. We then might watch a movie that the twin staying home wants to watch for family movie night, but the other twin vetoes. Stuff like that.

+1 also have twin boys this age. Agree completely. I also sometimes have the other twin have a friend over or something simultaneously at our house.