Step parents and school mom / dad groups

[Anonymous]

The moms in my sons class have a WhatsApp group and often get together for drinks (or there’s an open invite for it, usually only a few go any given time)

The dads also have a WhatsApp group

One student in the class has a step parent on each side and the step parents come to school events, do drop offs and picks up, take kid to bday parties etc - so both the step mom and step dad are known and well liked by other parents in the class.

It feels weird they’re not in the WhatsApp group but also feels like it’d be the ex spouses place to add them to it. What’s normal here?

[Anonymous]

I would include both bio and step. They can figure out for themselves whether they both want to go to the same event.

[Anonymous]

They are smart to keep boundaries.

[Anonymous]

I’m sure the stepparents are aware there is a Watsapp group- and the bio parents obviously are as well. I would leave it up to the bio parents to invite them in.

But really, this sounds terrible and cliquey anyhow. If you are going to have this type of thing, it should be put in general school publication for anyone interested to be able to join and how to join, you shouldn’t need a special invitation. The step parents are smart to not be involved in that

[Anonymous]

I typically text only the bio parents of divorced parents. Never thought about that before.

[Anonymous]

As someone who is currently in the middle of a mom/stepmom fight, this can be tricky to negotiate. (The stepmom is my neighbor and has the kids 50% of the time. The mom does not want me to be friends with her because she hates her. ) I think if a step parent is involved in the kids' lives, then they should be invited, especially if they have 50/50 custody and they are connected to the school.

We have a few divorced parents in our neighborhood friend group, and my policy when I host something is to invite both the mom and the dad because I don't know who will have the kids and it's up to them who is coming/who is bringing the kids. (Obviously the parent who doesn't have the kids is also welcome to come, but I'm not keeping up with their custody schedules). Let them decide to come or not if their ex/ex's new spouse will be there. That's not your problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m sure the stepparents are aware there is a Watsapp group- and the bio parents obviously are as well. I would leave it up to the bio parents to invite them in.

But really, this sounds terrible and cliquey anyhow. If you are going to have this type of thing, it should be put in general school publication for anyone interested to be able to join and how to join, you shouldn’t need a special invitation. The step parents are smart to not be involved in that

But if there's a mom group and a dad group, how/why would bio dad invite stepmom into the mom's group?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m sure the stepparents are aware there is a Watsapp group- and the bio parents obviously are as well. I would leave it up to the bio parents to invite them in.

But really, this sounds terrible and cliquey anyhow. If you are going to have this type of thing, it should be put in general school publication for anyone interested to be able to join and how to join, you shouldn’t need a special invitation. The step parents are smart to not be involved in that

It's pretty much the opposite of cliquey - instead of just various moms getting together regularly leaving other moms out - everyone is invited to all "girls night" type things

Same for the dads - the dads will message each other for dinner on occasion

There's also an all parents chat where most of the convo is and invites that include kids are - eg we're going to this park to play soccer this afternoon if anyone wants to join, we're going to this community tree lighting if anyone else is planning on it and meeting up. i'd actually really recommend it for preventing people accidentally being left out of various groups.

[Anonymous]

Don’t invite a non-parent to a parent listserv, not anymore than you would invite a nanny.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sure the stepparents are aware there is a Watsapp group- and the bio parents obviously are as well. I would leave it up to the bio parents to invite them in.

But really, this sounds terrible and cliquey anyhow. If you are going to have this type of thing, it should be put in general school publication for anyone interested to be able to join and how to join, you shouldn’t need a special invitation. The step parents are smart to not be involved in that

But if there's a mom group and a dad group, how/why would bio dad invite stepmom into the mom's group?

there are actually gender segregated email/whatsap groups??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As someone who is currently in the middle of a mom/stepmom fight, this can be tricky to negotiate. (The stepmom is my neighbor and has the kids 50% of the time. The mom does not want me to be friends with her because she hates her. ) I think if a step parent is involved in the kids' lives, then they should be invited, especially if they have 50/50 custody and they are connected to the school.

We have a few divorced parents in our neighborhood friend group, and my policy when I host something is to invite both the mom and the dad because I don't know who will have the kids and it's up to them who is coming/who is bringing the kids. (Obviously the parent who doesn't have the kids is also welcome to come, but I'm not keeping up with their custody schedules). Let them decide to come or not if their ex/ex's new spouse will be there. That's not your problem.

Hmmm....actually that is helpful. From what I can see there is no fight / negative situation. They all 4 sit together at school concerts and things so I imagine they have the relationships to include each other if anyone wanted to join in. And the spouses' could add them to the main parent group and haven't so it seems the step-parents are choosing to leave it to the parents

[Anonymous]

As a stepmom who does all of the things you have listed above- I do them only on my husband's time and only when I know mom is not going to be there. I stay far, far away from any school related things that mom is involved in and would never join a what's app group she is in. As far as stepfamily life goes, there isn't really a "normal", it's all very much dependent on the situation. I try very hard not to trigger her insecurities further (which I seem to do simply by existing). FWIW (and because this is DCUM and I expect some level of snark), no I wasn't an AP and I didn't meet my spouse until several years after their divorce had been finalized.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sure the stepparents are aware there is a Watsapp group- and the bio parents obviously are as well. I would leave it up to the bio parents to invite them in.

But really, this sounds terrible and cliquey anyhow. If you are going to have this type of thing, it should be put in general school publication for anyone interested to be able to join and how to join, you shouldn’t need a special invitation. The step parents are smart to not be involved in that

But if there's a mom group and a dad group, how/why would bio dad invite stepmom into the mom's group?

there are actually gender segregated email/whatsap groups??

yes - becauses moms plan girls nights out and the dads do the same. its not strange for a group of moms (or dads) to get drinks. What's actually different from a lot of schools is that there is an informal all parents network so it doesn't default just to the moms for all the social events and random Qs like "what are they supposed to wear for the concert" and "does anyone know what time they're supposed to be picked up from the field trip". From what i've seen at most places, the informal groups that form are largely just moms

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a stepmom who does all of the things you have listed above- I do them only on my husband's time and only when I know mom is not going to be there. I stay far, far away from any school related things that mom is involved in and would never join a what's app group she is in. As far as stepfamily life goes, there isn't really a "normal", it's all very much dependent on the situation. I try very hard not to trigger her insecurities further (which I seem to do simply by existing). FWIW (and because this is DCUM and I expect some level of snark), no I wasn't an AP and I didn't meet my spouse until several years after their divorce had been finalized.

Same. Unfortunately for my stepkid, mom never shows up for anything. I wish she would. I attend if my husband and step ask me to, but I'm very particular about emphasizing that I'm not mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don’t invite a non-parent to a parent listserv, not anymore than you would invite a nanny.

This is super offensive. The step parent is not a nanny. Grow up.