Parenting for my niece

[Anonymous]

My 18 months old niece is speech delay with no words, and my brother's family want to do wait and see approach even though pediatrican suggest free early intervention at 18 months old checkup. I have recommended free library storytime, free toddler playgroup, and free kid friendly event good for social and language in their areas, and they can't take her there because of her sleep/poop schedule. She sleeps till noon (nightowl active at midnight) every day and they can't leave house till after her daily poop. She poops daily, and she cries if they change her poopy diaper in the car or in public bathroom.. I ask him frankly that what would they do when it is time for her to go to public preschool at 3.He has no answers. I think they spoil their daughter too much and none of them I mention above is really in her best interests.

Both I and grandparents express some concerns on how they raise their kid, and grandparents want me to say something. I have older kids, so sometimes my brother calls me for advice. I tell him this and that, and I don't know how much he takes it. I hope the best for my niece. Grandparents want me to talk to them again. I don't mind doing that, but they probably won't like to hear what I say. We are seeing them on coming halloween night because they want her to join my kids on trick or treating in my area. I tell them my kids will be out trick or treating from 6pm to 8pm outdoor and it is quite late, dark, cold and sometimes scary. I think she should have gone to the daytime trick or treating or pumpkin patch. Well, she misses them all. Is it better for me to talk to them on halloween night in person or find another timing to talk to on the phone? I may not see them in person till thanksgiving dinner next time at grandparent house.

[Anonymous]

What can you possibly plan on saying? You already gave your opinion. They disagree. It's hard to watch, but it's not your role if he's not asking.

You're already given some good suggestions. But you can't force the issue. And certainly don't bring it up on Halloween or Thanksgiving or other event with big plans.

[Anonymous]

This is distressing to read but it sounds like your hands are really tied, especially because this is your brother and SIL which is a trickier relationship than BIL and sister. Please do not take this the wrong way, but you write in a way that suggests that English might not be your native language and it makes me wonder if there are also cultural barriers involved. In my extended family which includes people who are not native to the US and from a non-western culture, things like developmental delays are considered taboo subjects and would not be discussed within a nuclear family, let alone with in-laws.

I would mention the early intervention/speech thing one more time and then drop it.

The diaper stuff and sleeping in is not ok for an 18 month old and many babies and toddlers cry when their diapers are changed. The fact that they won’t leave the house for fear the child will cry suggests that there is a lot more going on here, either with the child or with their parenting. I can’t tell from what you’ve shared if they’re overwhelmed by normal behavior or if the speech delay and diaper/crying is actually understating a far bigger global developmental issue that everyone is underplaying. As the SIL and aunt, you can’t do much except for be a supportive aunt to this child. Her parents sound really out of their depth and this kid will need you- don’t alienate yourself from them.

Trick or treating: you can let this go. My child has lots of friends with siblings this age and a lot of them tag along in wagons or are carried.

[Anonymous]

Op you are overbearing and all of this is none of your business.

Lots of kids aren't talking at 18 months and I had a kid with significant speech delays. Speech therapy was 100% useless for my kid.

You and your parents need to stop criticizing them. Just because you had kids first doesn't mean you are a good source for information. The absolute worst people in the world are ignorant but have strong opinions.

My kids were premature and had various delays and I cut people like you out of my life. The ignorant comments and criticisms I had to hear. Ugh.

Worry about your own family.

[Anonymous]

Agree with PP, leave them alone. At 18 months it’s reasonable to give a wait-and-see approach. And trick-or-treating at 6 pm is also not unreasonable. Let them be their own parents. Don’t give advice unless requested or it’s something truly dangerous, like a car seat installed improperly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Agree with PP, leave them alone. At 18 months it’s reasonable to give a wait-and-see approach. And trick-or-treating at 6 pm is also not unreasonable. Let them be their own parents. Don’t give advice unless requested or it’s something truly dangerous, like a car seat installed improperly.

+1 Especially that trick or treat idea—OP you sound really harsh and controlling. Your sibling might not think your advice is good or pertains to their situation. Let it go.

[Anonymous]

Op here. You are right that they may also see me as a bad parent making poor parenting choices. My house is messy, and my kids are picky eaters. My kids were both in early intervention program before 18 months old with the first sign of no talking, and both of them are still in IEP with speech intervention in ES. That's why I tell them to do early intervention or even toddler playgroup from my experiences. I have spent more than probably $70k already on therapies, evaluation and such. They happen to be SN kids with a ton of support. One is gifted with global delay in gifted program. One is uncertain with global delay, esp. speech. Both grandparents, brother & SIL know all these.

I am familiar with the system, so I don't want them to regret not to do early intervention down the road. It is tricky to just talk to my brother, and he happens to be the only one asking me suggestion. SIL is quiet, and I don't really get her. There is 1-2 years waiting list for getting developmental evaluation. My kids did a lot of kid activities at my niece's age, and they also went to daycare. My niece mostly stays home with SIL and they go out at late afternoon/evening when there are not much thing she could do at those hours. Well, I wish them the best. Grandparents has talked to them before, but there's no changes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. You are right that they may also see me as a bad parent making poor parenting choices. My house is messy, and my kids are picky eaters. My kids were both in early intervention program before 18 months old with the first sign of no talking, and both of them are still in IEP with speech intervention in ES. That's why I tell them to do early intervention or even toddler playgroup from my experiences. I have spent more than probably $70k already on therapies, evaluation and such. They happen to be SN kids with a ton of support. One is gifted with global delay in gifted program. One is uncertain with global delay, esp. speech. Both grandparents, brother & SIL know all these.

I am familiar with the system, so I don't want them to regret not to do early intervention down the road. It is tricky to just talk to my brother, and he happens to be the only one asking me suggestion. SIL is quiet, and I don't really get her. There is 1-2 years waiting list for getting developmental evaluation. My kids did a lot of kid activities at my niece's age, and they also went to daycare. My niece mostly stays home with SIL and they go out at late afternoon/evening when there are not much thing she could do at those hours. Well, I wish them the best. Grandparents has talked to them before, but there's no changes.

Nothing you describe about your brother and SIL’s parenting is wrong. They make different choices than you made, and that’s fine.

You should stop diagnosing their kid with your kids’ issues. Your SIL is probably quiet because she doesn’t want to argue with you… quit pushing.

[Anonymous]

Agree that this is just about different choices. There is no right or wrong way. And early intervention isn’t the panacea that you believe it to be. Plus who cares if they stay home until she poops? I but that in the slave to the nap category, neither of which I did but neither of which is a bad or a superior choice. It’s just one that each family gets to make for themselves.

Bottom line is I’d butt out. You have nothing to offer but unwarranted judgment.

[Anonymous]

OP you may have good feedback but when you add petty things in like the Halloween example you lose credibility. MYOB

[Anonymous]

Troll and if a real person you ought to ask yourself why are you so nasty?

[Anonymous]

Agree with previous posters: there's no role for you here.

And don't become the go-between for your parents. If they have something to say, they can say it and deal with the consequences. Don't let them force you into something that's: 1. Not their business, and 2. Will destroy your relationship with your brother and SIL.

[Anonymous]

If you truly want to help them, start saying things like “I know this is hard you’re doing great” and being as supportive as you can. They have a challenging kid. Tell them you realize you may have overstepped and you are sorry. Tell them you will start keeping opinions to yourself unless they ask, because what you want most is to have them in your life.

Ironically, if you do this consistently, they are more likely to trust you and ask for your opinion on things.

[Anonymous]

OMG leave them alone. This early intervention for speech is such an American concept.

[Anonymous]

OP, you sound not just concerned, but critical.

They maybe overwhelmed, there is a valid need for them to process.

They may be doing stuff, just not reporting to you.

I might say once to SIL and brother: “Lyla’s smile is amazing. I love her so much. Please do not hesitate to reach out to me for any resources. My kids had speech delay and the xxx program really helped. I am glad we started as early as possible. Let me know if I can be of any help. Sorry if I overstepped just now. I will no longer bring this up unless you ask me.”

Your parents should respect your brother an his wife’s parenting choices.