Should I fire my nanny or am I unreasonable?
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Anonymous
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First time MB here. My son is 6 months old and his nanny has been with us for 2 months. She is a professional nanny - someone who has a lot of experience and has three kids of her own. Very smart and trustworthy. She hasn’t done any one thing wrong, but there are a few things that make me wonder if she is a good fit for us.
My main issue with her is that I don’t think she speaks to or plays with my son enough. We have a nanny cam and she knows about it. During playtime, she is interacting with him about 25% of the time, laying beside him and just watching him 50% of the time, and on her phone 25% of the time. Our contract said no phone usage outside of naps. When I hint that I would like her to do certain things, like read to him or make a sensory bin or whatever, she doesn’t say no but she acts like an experienced mom who thinks that spending time reading to babies, showing them colors, etc. is a waste. Kind of a wry smile and inward eye roll. By way of background, there was an issue where I told the nanny agency my top dollar rate - the rate I would pay for a stellar candidate. The agency then went and told all of the candidates that I was offering that rate, and told me that this particular nanny wouldn’t like it if I tried to give her a lower rate, even though my rate was higher than what she had made before for multiple kids. So I have ended up paying her a top-of-the-market rate, and feel like I could have gotten a better nanny for that rate if I had slowed down and not given in to pressure from the agency to hire her before another family did. My question is, am I being unreasonable to expect her to interact with the baby, say, 75% of the 3 or so hours that he is awake and they are not out walking or at play dates that the nanny has set up? Identify colors, sing songs, narrate, etc.? Or will I be hard pressed to find any nanny who will stay off of her phone and focus on developmental activities for 1-2 hours at a time? I know the answer here is to just talk to her about my concerns. But she has kind of a big ego and always says how happy her prior families have been with her. I am afraid that if I say anything to her, she would resent me and would take it out on my son in some way. What do you guys think of this - if you think my concerns are valid, should I speak to her, or just make up an excuse about why we don’t need a nanny anymore, let her go, and give her a good reference? Will she maybe get better with time, as my son gets older and more interactive? I like her personally but I also want to get the best nanny that I can for my son. Thanks in advance. |
Anonymous
| If you think she will resent you or take it out on your son, then you have your answer. It's time to get a new nanny. |
Anonymous
| Fellow MB here. I think your expectations are a little much. If you were home with your baby, you probably wouldn't be doing active developmental activities with him 75 percent of the time. It's ok for babies to chill and not be actively entertained all the time. But, I also wouldn't be happy if I were you that the nanny is just blatantly ignoring your expectations and giving you attitude about them and I'd be concerned about having a nanny who gets defensive and wouldn't accept feedback. like even though I think you might want to revise your expectations on this particular issue, there are sure to be things that will come up that you need to discuss with her. It sounds like maybe she's not a great fit for that reason. |
Anonymous
| OP here... I guess I don’t think she would take it out on my son, and I do think that she would shape up if I asked her to. This job is perfect for her for a few reasons, and I know she doesn’t want to lose it. But I worry that she will silently seethe at me - the way lots of folks do when they are criticized by their bosses. I’m not sure if it’s worth it to keep someone like that around, but I also know that most of us would want a warning before we were just fired out of the blue. Just wanted to clarify a bit. Maybe a nanny could chime in re: how she felt and reacted if a MB criticized her - does it ruin the relationship? Thanks again for any input. |
Anonymous
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First of all, you have to address this and be specific. Do the criticism sandwich (bread: good thing, meat: criticism, bread: another good thing). It may work out.
Secondly, you sound like a great mom. Not a lot of people have the patience to read and narrate to a six month old for hours at a time. From this and the tone of your post, the way you talk about your baby, I think you should consider making it work to SAH for a couple of years. I think you would be really happy doing it and really good at it. |
Anonymous
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OP here - PP, thanks, not sure if you were being sarcastic or not, but I would love to stay home if I could. Unfortunately I have the type of job that I can’t easily leave and return to later (think professor).
I’m definitely not engaged with my son 75% of the time on the weekends - I’m trying to narrate while I am cooking, trying to squeeze the book in before we go to the store. But when I am at my own job I am working 75% of the time. So I am wondering if it is fair to expect that from my nanny too. If other MBs could tell me what type of things they see on their nanny cams maybe that would be helpful - are you seeing lots of reading to babies, songs, etc., or are you seeing more passive babysitting for a lot of the time? My ultimate fear is that I fire this nanny and then hire another one and she is the same. I know it is really easy to slip into passive babysitting mode. |
Anonymous
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Play dates that she has arranged? Why would a 6 month old baby be having playdates? What do the babies do? Sit and stare at each other, swap toys the drool on?
Yes you are probably pushing it with what you think she should be doing. Maybe your “top dollar” rate is giving you anxiety and making you obsess over getting every dime out of someone when what really matters is that she snuggles your baby throughout the day, uses a loving tone with him and makes him feel safe and happy since his mommy leaves him everyday for a job where she can be replaced. Teaching can come later. But yes reading books, naming things out loud, blowing bubbles and even baby sign language is good but not 75 percent of his waking hours. You wouldn’t even be doing that yourself. Why are you leaving your baby that is not even a year old anyway? The first 3 years of a child’s life is so important and the brain is developing. Shouldn’t all the influence and nurturing be coming from the parents instead during this time? |
Anonymous
I get that. I wasn't sarcastic at all. Everything seems to come across that way on these forums. I just think that you seem like a good mom, and I wanted to put my $.02 in. I was in residency when my oldest was born, and lost king back I wish I had taken a couple of years off. Now that I am in a more senior position, I know they would have taken me back, but it seemed so impossible then. Anyway, good luck. And giving negative feedback sucks. I hope things turn out well. |
Anonymous
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Hi OP, I get where you are coming from. I would talk to your nanny and if things don't get better in 2-3 weeks, let her go.
My nanny interacts with my child all day long and is never on her phone unless my child is sleeping or if she needs to send out a quick text. She sings to her, points things out to her, is getting her used to sitting on the toilet, reads to her, takes her out on walks... I'm not saying your current nanny is bad, but she's not a good fit for you and your family. 2-3 weeks and if things don't improve...definitely find someone else! If you're paying top dollar then you won't have any issues finding someone qualified =]. good luck!!! |
Anonymous
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OP, you are the boss. Don't focus on the emotions and the interpretation of gestures, focus on the job and the expectations. Especially if you are paying top dollar and if you know that she is being compensated well above her prior positions.
You set the job. Sit down w/ her and say something like: Jane, I want to talk as I feel like we need to revisit our early conversations about this position and our expectations. Here is how we envision this job... (It would be good if you have a written job description to provide - that helps address misperceptions or lack of clarity.) As we discussed, we want you engaging with Jack whenever he is not napping and we expect you to not use your phone while you are working (except for emergencies, communicating w/ us or very brief personal business if need be.) We also want you reading to and engaging in the kinds of active play we've talked about. (Etc... be specific about what you want.) I am concerned that what we see on the cameras doesn't match what we have requested, and that when I talk to you about this I sense resistance. Are you uncomfortable with the job as outlined? Do you disagree with our approach? Then take it from there. It's about the job. You get to specify what the job is and what you're willing to pay. she gets to decide if it's a position she wants and expectations she can and is willing to meet. Get the emotion out of the discussion and it will go better. FYI, I think perhaps you're a little over the top w/ your expectations about the extent and type of engagement you want, but that doesn't really matter - it's your child, your money, and your right to specify what kind of care you want provided. That's pretty much the point of having a nanny! So maybe there's some room for softening on your part, but there isn't room (IMO) for attitude or refusal from the nanny. |
Anonymous
Oh FFS! Stop being so critical! Lots of people have careers that they can't, or don't want to, walk away from. That is an inspiration to their children. That pays for college, houseing, food, activities, etc. OP, please ignore anyone critical of your choices; you can't please everyone. And because of people like you who have a career that they love, I can also have a career that I love. I absolutely hate it when people bash other people's parenting choices, minus neglect of course. OP, she should absolutely be reading and engaging with your child. Some quiet play? Of course, but it sounds like it may be mostly quiet play, with isn't ideal for development. And any nanny who thinks reading to a baby is unnecessary should not be a nanny, period. I would talk to her. I have always responded well when my bosses brought something to my attention and expect open and honest lines of communication. This is a team effort to raise YOUR child the very best way possible. Nanny won't do things exactly like you, but she should take your guidance and be the very best nanny she can be to your child. So I would start by speaking with her. If that doesn't go well then you have your answer. |
Anonymous
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I think the phone usage (since it was covered explicitly in your expectations) is valid. It could be that your nanny will be more interactive and great when your son is a little older, so I'm not sure if I'd fire her. (I also wonder how most of us would fare if we were on camera all the time. What would our bosses think?)
What concerns me is that she seems to not respect your wishes if she doesn't take them seriously enought to try. That kind of problem won't go away. Since she hasn't done anything wrong per se, give it another month and see how you feel. |
Anonymous
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Nanny here: I do much better with the kids in my care when I am not being 'watched'. I am a horrible singer but I sing to the kids all the time especially when they are very young and I read to them often. But if I am aware of a camera recording my every action, I may be less animated or silly with the kids. I wouldn't say 75% of the time because there are other things to do and I have more often than not had multiples so that would not have been feasible, but I try to engage them as much as I can even while doing other things like folding their clothes and tidying up.
Your expectations of 75% interaction may be a bit unreasonable, however as another poster said, it is your child and your requirements that are important here and you should find a nanny who will meet those requirements. Does she narrate her actions to the baby while doing things, like changing diaper or making a bottle or just everyday activity? I do think that you should be specific about your expectations and that should have been done prior to her start date. As for the nanny being on her phone - if you have made it clear that this is not acceptable and she disregards that, then you definitely should have a conversation about this. State that phone usage should be limited to when the baby is napping. Good luck. |
Anonymous
| When in doubt... find a new nanny. I’d be annoyed too. Especially with the phone usage. I see these nannies at playground... the children sit in the stroller or in a swing while they FaceTime or text/ talk to friends on the phone. It’s terrible. They are hired to watch the children not their cell phones. |
Anonymous
| Excellent nannies are very hard to find, and they usually have high rates. |