Considering leaving au pair program after 2 mos for local childcare

[Anonymous]

Our au pair has been with us 2 months. She is following on the heels of a wonderful nanny we had for 4 years full-time before our kids were all in school 9 - 3. Just as we made this transition at home, one of the managers at my work left and I got immediate responsibility for managing and hiring a bunch of people. At the same time as this unexpected stress, I realized that our au pair (22) was leaving hurriedly every morning and evening after shifts to smoke. Many times, the kids cereal bowls are left on the table when she goes out. I had thought she was practicing her driving for the first month but after I smelled the smoke repeatedly, I realized what was going on. One night I suspected she left she house to smoke while the kids were asleep to smoke while we were out. She gets along reasonably well with the kids, but I'm weighing this against how disappointing I'm finding her as a household helper and partner. What I am disappointed by is: 1) she smokes and lied about it on her application 2) it appears enough of an addiction for her to not want to finish her duties and 3) she seems to lack energy related to being a part of the family outside of her duties. Rather than rematching, I am considering seeking local childcare for about 20 hours, which is the actual time I need real help after school. I am thinking that the "perks" of a live-in au pair are missing and I need more of an adult to share true responsibility for the kids and household. I also am in a very different situation than I thought I'd be in when deciding to hire an au pair. Please advise - should I give rematching a shot? Should I cut bait and just go with local people I can interview, trial and have for more years to come? Thanks.

[Anonymous]

I am sorry OP, sounds like you are going through stressful times.

Do you think this AP is worth sticking with? Have you expressed your concerns and had a reset conversation? Or do you feel this is simply not going to work?

If not, you are going to need to rematch anyway, regardless of switching APs or going to a childcare center. So if I were you, I would look at both options. There might be an excellent AP in rematch (or awaiting extension) for completely legit reasons and she won't be a 'low energy lier not interested in your family' like the one you have now. If it doesn't work out, the daycare center is not going anywhere and is always an option, but when you get a great AP, the program is really wonderful.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you should rematch and either get a new au pair or leave the program. I would also rematch if our au pair smoked. Whether you stick to the program is up to you. It is hard to find good consistent care for after-school unless you pay a lot more than an au pair costs. Au pairs are more flexible than after-school nannies that might have second jobs.

[Anonymous]

Thank you - this is helpful. She is good with the kids and has bonded with them from what I can tell. She does care about them and does activities with them during her hours. I don't think she is a bad person and is generally a friendly person so before the smoking thing I was willing to look the other way on some duties. But the added smoking thing threw me for a loop. I like the idea of a reset as an option and will keep an open mind.

[Anonymous]

She didn't kill someone, she just happens to be a smoker and hid it because she knew no family would accept her into the programme. She was probably advised to lie ... It's not smart and I agree with that but she's young ... and stupid.
It's not too late to have a conversation with her if you want to keep her and let her know when she can smoke or not.
Leaving the bowls on the table is not a big deal but she has to clean up before doing anything else, that's the basics of the job. I'd give her a second chance.

[Anonymous]

Have you talked to her about the cereal bowls and smoking? These things can also happen with an after school sitter.

[Anonymous]

I too went from a long term professional nanny to an AuPair. It was like flying first class and then having to take a Greyhound bus. I lasted 2 years and had what most would cosider "great " AuPairs, but they did not even come close to what one get when you hire a professional nanny.

We've recently moved on from the AP program and I found a wonderful person to help us 20hrs a week. This person does all of our grocery shopping, basic meal prep, all laundry, and makes sure the kids start their homework, checks for completion and makes all school lunches for the next day before leaving.

For this I pay $420/week, which is, when all said and done, the same price as the AuPair program. I get so much more and get to skip the drama and hassle. FWIW, I don't need morning care. Getting help around the household is tremendous. AuPairs, as great as my 2 were, were a ton of work for me.

[Anonymous]

Smoking and lying about is sufficient cause for a rematch. It becomes a trust issue, and in this case, she can't even finish her work.

Honestly? Try a rematch first. See if you find someone better. You could get a crappy nanny candidate too and it's likely you had bad luck for your first match.

Also, contact your LCC. They need to know about this issue and that you want to consider rematch over it. Then have a meeting with your AP and see if she's even willing to quit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I too went from a long term professional nanny to an AuPair. It was like flying first class and then having to take a Greyhound bus. I lasted 2 years and had what most would cosider "great " AuPairs, but they did not even come close to what one get when you hire a professional nanny.

We've recently moved on from the AP program and I found a wonderful person to help us 20hrs a week. This person does all of our grocery shopping, basic meal prep, all laundry, and makes sure the kids start their homework, checks for completion and makes all school lunches for the next day before leaving.

For this I pay $420/week, which is, when all said and done, the same price as the AuPair program. I get so much more and get to skip the drama and hassle. FWIW, I don't need morning care. Getting help around the household is tremendous. AuPairs, as great as my 2 were, were a ton of work for me.

What about during school vacations and summers?

[Anonymous]

And kid sick days and 1/2 days and teacher training days and holidays when kids are off but you are not?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I too went from a long term professional nanny to an AuPair. It was like flying first class and then having to take a Greyhound bus. I lasted 2 years and had what most would cosider "great " AuPairs, but they did not even come close to what one get when you hire a professional nanny

You get what you pay for folks. An au pair is basically a teenager, who you pay $4 for. Your expectations of an au pair is the same as your 14 year old neighbor who babysits on an odd evening: call 911 if something terrible happens. If you want more, get a nanny, and of course expect to pay more. I'm sick of hearing about rediculous parent expectations of au pairs. They are basically teenagers, don't know anything about kids and just want to experience America. Sorry the agency lied to you and gave you some bullshit to get your money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I too went from a long term professional nanny to an AuPair. It was like flying first class and then having to take a Greyhound bus. I lasted 2 years and had what most would cosider "great " AuPairs, but they did not even come close to what one get when you hire a professional nanny

You get what you pay for folks. An au pair is basically a teenager, who you pay $4 for. Your expectations of an au pair is the same as your 14 year old neighbor who babysits on an odd evening: call 911 if something terrible happens. If you want more, get a nanny, and of course expect to pay more. I'm sick of hearing about rediculous parent expectations of au pairs. They are basically teenagers, don't know anything about kids and just want to experience America. Sorry the agency lied to you and gave you some bullshit to get your money.

I'm a HM who is on AP5 (in as many years) and I can tell you that ALL of my APs (even the one of the 5 whose personality matched my family the least) were far better child care givers than your words describe. They were all mature, amazing young women who took the job part of being an AP seriously. I'm grateful to the APs and to the program for what they have added to my family's life.

Spare me please the "nannies are better/Aps are just clueless teenagers" BS please.

There are great/good APs and terrible ones. Just like there are great/good nannies and terrible ones. The end.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And kid sick days and 1/2 days and teacher training days and holidays when kids are off but you are not?

We vacation Christmas, tgiving, and spring break. I have a great HS kid i can call in a pinch. She watched out kids for 5 weeks this summer. Even with an AuPair, our kids were still at camps in the summer 25hrs a week.

I do what the majority of the working population does. It's not that hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And kid sick days and 1/2 days and teacher training days and holidays when kids are off but you are not?

We vacation Christmas, tgiving, and spring break. I have a great HS kid i can call in a pinch. She watched out kids for 5 weeks this summer. Even with an AuPair, our kids were still at camps in the summer 25hrs a week.

I do what the majority of the working population does. It's not that hard.

It's great you found a set of solutions that work for you. It would be nice if you toned down the glibness though. It IS that hard for some with respect to snow and sick days or other school breaks. Some of us are not able to time our vacations this way or don't have the job flexibility or nearby family etc when you get the call that your kid is sick and needs to be picked up. I think most of us who are in the program can't typically rely on the solutions that you and "most of the population" apparently can. It wasn't very kind of you to take that tone in response to an honest question or two.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And kid sick days and 1/2 days and teacher training days and holidays when kids are off but you are not?

We vacation Christmas, tgiving, and spring break. I have a great HS kid i can call in a pinch. She watched out kids for 5 weeks this summer. Even with an AuPair, our kids were still at camps in the summer 25hrs a week.

I do what the majority of the working population does. It's not that hard.

It's great you found a set of solutions that work for you. It would be nice if you toned down the glibness though. It IS that hard for some with respect to snow and sick days or other school breaks. Some of us are not able to time our vacations this way or don't have the job flexibility or nearby family etc when you get the call that your kid is sick and needs to be picked up. I think most of us who are in the program can't typically rely on the solutions that you and "most of the population" apparently can. It wasn't very kind of you to take that tone in response to an honest question or two.

You're reading too much into my response. No need to be defensive. My situation impacts you zero. I'm simply statung my facts. Overall life for me is easier without an AuPair and there are options other than AuPairs and Ive found those options better. When my kids were little i needed a professiinal nanny because logistics were hard amd consiatent professional childcare was crutial during the first 7 years of theit lives. Now they are older and coming from what I was accustomed to anf once I saw my alternatives, I decided the program was not worth it.

Sounds like the OP is in a similar situation. You are not, no need to be upset over that. We all find the solution that works for us.