AU pair food

[Anonymous]

I'd like our aupair to cook for herself. I'm happy to buy her food but it seems like she wants me to cook for her too. If I make dinner for the kids she eats it too and there's not enough for 3. Or I'll make myself lunch and come back and she's eating some of it. Am I expected to cook for her? If so, can I ask her to do some of the cooking for the family too. If I'm not required, how can I politely lay this out?

[Anonymous]

Wow. Simply unbelievable.
And you think you're a "host"?

[Anonymous]

That's my question. Am I supposed to cook her meals every day? i thought I could buy her groceries and she could cook for herself. No?

[Anonymous]

Yes when there's a family meal you're supposed to make enough for your au pair.

[Anonymous]

Ok this a little ridiculous. I'll make a quick meal for my kids early and make myself something like a salad and tell the au pair to do the same. Au pairs should not expect every meal to be made for them. I think auboairs generally getvthe much better end of the stick

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ok this a little ridiculous. I'll make a quick meal for my kids early and make myself something like a salad and tell the au pair to do the same. Au pairs should not expect every meal to be made for them. I think auboairs generally getvthe much better end of the stick

of course they shouldn't expect 21 meals a week but if a family is cooking dinner for the kids the AP is reasonably expecting the HM to make enough for AP too. Like what the hell, OP. Toss another turkey burger under the broiler.

[Anonymous]

Uh..yea, when i cook dinner i cook for everyone under the roof. Why would you even WANT 2 separate dinners going at the same time and two separate messes? Doesn't sound very efficient and would be a hassle with you both using the stove at the same time cooking 2 meals.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If I make dinner for the kids she eats it too and there's not enough for 3. Or I'll make myself lunch and come back and she's eating some of it. Am I expected to cook for her? If so, can I ask her to do some of the cooking for the family too. If I'm not required, how can I politely lay this out?

You are required to provide room and board. Does that mean you have to actively cook her 21 meals a week? No. However, asking her to prepare dinner for herself each night sounds higly inefficient.

a) You could ask HER to make dinner for the kids and herself - on the clock.
b) You could make dinner for the kids and simply make enough to feed her as well (or all four of you).
c) If you make salad for yourself just chop up an extra two tomatoes or an extra carrot or whatever and make enough for her to share.
d) Prepare lunch/dinner together.

How welcome would you feel if you were living somewhere and they'd constantly prepare meals that didn't include you? Would you expect your teenagers to prepare all meals for themselves while you make your own? If it was your daughter living with a family half way across the globe, how would you feel if her host family ate without her or didn't cook enough for her to share at meal times? If she was your sister's daughter, staying with you to babysit, what would your sister say if you didn't include her in family meals? How would you want to be treated?

You are more than two college students sharing an apartment. You are less than family. However, there is a huge grey area between "preparing all meals for her and asking her to cook for herself."

[Anonymous]

If you are cooking for the kids do you and DH eat by yourselves later? If she doesnt feel like she can eat with the 2 of you it stands to reason she wants to eat with the kids.
I think you need to communicate whether she wants to eat with the kids or you on any given night. You should not expect her to make her own meal.

[Anonymous]

I suspect the challenge here is that you feel AP is expecting you to cook for her like an additional child without contributing to the process. For us, AP is on her own for breakfast and lunch. We have family dinners almost every night and she can cook for everyone (off the clock) and we'll do the dishes, or she can enjoy the meal and help out with the dishes. Staying in her room until the meal is ready and then retiring to the tv room the minute she's done is not an option.
If your kids already eat an early meal, it might be good to just have her cook a few nights, and when you ask her open the conversation to include that you will help with xyz when she cooks but she is responsible for xyz when you do. If she wants a family that has family meals, she may look for rematch, which is okay, too.

[Anonymous]

I think you are a terrible host to cook something and not offer it to your AP.

[Anonymous]

I think people are being especially harsh with you OP. You sound like a first time host mom whose biggest offense here is a gross lack of communication. Yes, you are a 'host' mom, but you are not a terrible person for not wanting to do extra cooking.

OP, if you want things a certain way with your AP, you need to sit down and let your AP know.

For breakfast and lunch, if you expect that everyone is on their own, then you need to let AP know so you can eat your own salad in peace. That's completely acceptable. When I work from home, I come downstairs to prep myself my lunch and AP might come up to do the same on her own schedule. Every once in a while if I make something more fancy and AP is in the kitchen, I will ask her if I should boil more pasta for her, or something simple like that.

For dinner, it's a bit more tricky, especially if there are already 2 separate meals going on. Sit down and discuss how she would prefer her dinner experience to be (you can also impose it, but that doesn't necessarily go well in AP/Host relationships when it's not discussed before you match).

We have done this in different ways in the past but in a nutshell, you could 1) ask her to prep kids dinner and eat with them, 2) offer that she participates in dinner with you (which means that she helps in dinner prep too, or alternates who makes dinner with you and DH), or 3) she makes her own. From her behavior to date, sounds like 3 won't be her preferred option. I can't blame her. Many APs are looking for a family experience and eating alone every night can be pretty boring (although some prefer it).

[Anonymous]

We also spell out in our handbook that breakfast and lunch are on her own. When we hosted our first au pair, we cooked and ate dinner together since that's what families do. However, she made us feel like we were a restaurant and her personal cooks. She never helped with food prep. She would wait in her room with door closed. We had to walk over to her room and let her know that dinner was on the table before she would come out of her room and join us at the dinner table. She sat at dinner and ate with us but was on her phone a lot which was rude. She always finished first and got up from the table while we were still eating. After she was finished with her meal, she would take her plates and put them in the sink. She did not even bother to put them in the dishwasher. Then, she would go back to her room for the rest of the night. No thank you's. This went on for weeks and made us feel terrible and resentful. Since she was a so-so au pair, giving her a home cooked meal every night and receiving no gratitude in return got under our skin. Like many situations, if the au pair is a rock star, we happily let things slide because of how great she is - but not when she is only so-so. We eventually went into rematch, but for other reasons.

After this au pair experience, we were very clear about meals in the handbook. We decided that we would talk the week before about "what's for dinner" next week so we can plan the grocery list as well as who does cooking on which day. All the adults in the household, host parents and au pair, alternate cooking if we want to have dinner together. We have nights when it is fend for yourself, too. We also spelled out in the handbook that if we have dinner together, everyone must either help with prep or clean up. This arrangement had cut down on the feeling that we are the au pair's personal cooks since as a family, we all now share in all aspects of the meal from prep, cook, to clean up and benefit from each other's cooking, when we have meals together.

As a family, each person should contribute and share in both the labor and reward. We also specifically mention during matching that we were looking for a 3rd adult in the family. This means we would all chip in on chores around the house that benefits everyone like cooking dinner, taking out the garbage, load/unloading the dishwasher etc. Our kids are only 2 but if they were older, they would be expected to chip in, too, to the best of their ability so we expect the same from the au pair. Being "part of the family" goes both ways - sharing in family chores and receiving family benefits.

[Anonymous]

Yikes, some of you are so harsh!

Our first Au Pair was when my husband was traveling a lot for work and we had an infant and a toddler. Au Pair could not cook. Like, literally could not boil water and had never used a microwave. We of course had to show her how to do these things to prepare simple meals for my toddler and warm up milk and baby food for the baby. She expected that we would provide her with fully cooked meals without helping us prep them at all.

If my husband was out of town I would come home after working all day and feed my toddler and baby, bathe, and put them down to bed. At that point I would be so exhausted that a dinner of beer and a bowl of cereal would be my go-to if not for the Au Pair. We started out the year with her basically going to her room and coming back out at 7:30 asking what I had made her for dinner. That was really getting on my nerves so when my husband traveled I would get some of those Trader Joe's meals that are easy to put in a pan and heat up or similar and I'd ask her to make it 2 nights per week. When my husband was home it was a moot point because usually he would cook us all dinner while I put kids to bed. She didn't like to do it and started going out to eat a lot when my husband was away. Oh well!

[Anonymous]

We also spell out in our handbook that breakfast and lunch are on her own. When we hosted our first au pair, we cooked and ate dinner together since that's what families do. However, she made us feel like we were a restaurant and her personal cooks. She never helped with food prep. She would wait in her room with door closed. We had to walk over to her room and let her know that dinner was on the table before she would come out of her room and join us at the dinner table. She sat at dinner and ate with us but was on her phone a lot which was rude. She always finished first and got up from the table while we were still eating. After she was finished with her meal, she would take her plates and put them in the sink. She did not even bother to put them in the dishwasher. Then, she would go back to her room for the rest of the night. No thank you's. This went on for weeks and made us feel terrible and resentful. Since she was a so-so au pair, giving her a home cooked meal every night and receiving no gratitude in return got under our skin. Like many situations, if the au pair is a rock star, we happily let things slide because of how great she is - but not when she is only so-so. We eventually went into rematch, but for other reasons.

Wow. so much wrong here. We do not allow anyone in our family to be on their phone during dinner. Including AP. We do not allow anyone to leave the table while others are still eating. Including AP.

After this au pair experience, we were very clear about meals in the handbook. We decided that we would talk the week before about "what's for dinner" next week so we can plan the grocery list as well as who does cooking on which day. All the adults in the household, host parents and au pair, alternate cooking if we want to have dinner together. We have nights when it is fend for yourself, too. We also spelled out in the handbook that if we have dinner together, everyone must either help with prep or clean up. This arrangement had cut down on the feeling that we are the au pair's personal cooks since as a family, we all now share in all aspects of the meal from prep, cook, to clean up and benefit from each other's cooking, when we have meals together.

As a family, each person should contribute and share in both the labor and reward. We also specifically mention during matching that we were looking for a 3rd adult in the family. This means we would all chip in on chores around the house that benefits everyone like cooking dinner, taking out the garbage, load/unloading the dishwasher etc. Our kids are only 2 but if they were older, they would be expected to chip in, too, to the best of their ability so we expect the same from the au pair. Being "part of the family" goes both ways - sharing in family chores and receiving family benefits.

Totally agree with this. We prefer to do all the cooking in the evening (frankly, we want to control the nutrition and menu of our family dinners). Lunch AP is on her own - we take requests when making the shopping list and AP can purchase items at our cost (within reason) for her lunch from the supermarket (we are not subsidizing fast food or restaurants). We specify a start time in the morning for AP, and that does not mean a start time for her to commence breakfasting. So either she needs to be done with breakfast by that start time or she needs to wait to eat her breakfast till after morning duties are complete.

AP is responsible for making kid lunches, and cleaning out kid lunchboxes (and putting relevant pieces in dishwasher). AP should contribute to clearing table, loading dishwasher, cleaning up kitchen after meals, just like anyone else. Other than that, we don't expect much from AP in terms of food prep/clean up. We tend instead to ask our APs to do more laundry (kid laundry, household laundry) and errands as her contribution to family chores. We have a cleaning lady come once a week; if we didn't, we would also ask AP to do her portion of cleaning.