Discussing safe sex and birth control with a male AP...
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Anonymous
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We adore our male AP (I am the one who posted recently about wanting to extend with him). We also adore his girlfriend. It is clear that their relationship has gotten much more serious since he returned from a visit to his country a week ago, and they are now talking about staying together well past the au pair year. It is also likely, because he has asked for her to sleep over, that they are now sleeping together (if they weren't before the break).
If this were a female AP, I would be raising the topics of safe sex and birth control with her, but I am not sure what to say with a male AP. We have an excellent relationship, and I am very much a mother-figure to him, but I am not his mother. I don't want to make him feel funny by raising it, but on the other hand, I also don't want to leave this to chance, as they are both very young (he is 19 and she is 18), and, well, we all know that teenagers can use some help to make good choices. What would you do in my shoes? Talk to him straight out (as I would in the case of a female AP) about safe sex and using condoms or talk around the issue and hope he gets my drift? I really really really would hate to see his girlfriend's year cut short by pregnancy.... Thanks. |
Anonymous
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I would talk to him like you would a female AP - or have DH do it if it is too awkward. I might also make sure he knows where to buy condoms. I'd play it all like, "I am sure you know all this stuff, but as a mom I just need to be able to say it to you..."
You might also mention that if his girlfriend is interesting in BC she is welcome to come to talk to you about information as well. Their health insurance doesn't cover the pill, I don't think. |
Anonymous
| I wouldn't say anything. I don't think that's for me to have this discussion with AP. And personally I would be uncomfortable to have my teenagers aware of romantic sleepovers at my home at 18yrs, but that's not really the issue at hand here for OP... |
Anonymous
Op here. This isn't the issue at all. I have no problem with my 13 and 9 year olds being aware of romantic sleepovers in my home, if the people in question are in a loving and committed relationship. If they didn't get to sleep together in our house, where else would they be? I sure don't want them sneaking around or doing it in our car. They are (young) adults and they just know to act as adults. That means nothing that causes us to hear or see anything that causes discomfort. My kids are entirely unphased by it, and so are DH and me. That said, when AP brought his girlfriend breakfast in bed on Sunday, you had better believe we all had a good smile about it. DD got to see the model of a doting boyfriend, which in my mind is excellent, and I used the opportunity to tell DH to take notes!! I like the idea from the other pp to tell AP that I am happy to help his GF access birth control if she needs it. Thanks! |
Anonymous
| How soon can your kids have a "romantic" sleepover? |
Anonymous
How does this have anything to do with the topic of this thread? |
Anonymous
| I would not discus this with any au pair, female or male. These are adults and should know these things already. This is not your place. |
Anonymous
It is your place as their "host mom." It's also your place because you are somewhat responsible for the well being of someone else's 19 year old. (Now, a 26 year old AP would be a different story, in my book.) Anyway, what's the harm in saying something? |
Anonymous
Given that they have a different culture, they may not know what is available, or how to access anything. I don't see a difference in making sure an AP knows how to access birth control and knowing where the ER is. |
Anonymous
Read 14:37. |
Anonymous
...which talks about a host family's openness to an adult AP having a sleepover. The question of when children can have one has nothing to do with the topic of whether a HM should discuss birth control and safe sex with her AP. |
Anonymous
| I would make sure they know where/how to access birth control...planned parenthood, pharmacy etc. Make sure he knows to wrap it up in case she misses a pill. If they come from Latin/Catholic countries, this might be a topic they're not as well versed in. |
Anonymous
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I like you OP. You post interesting and insightful threads.
But yikes. It is not ok for such young a tween/teens to be exposed to young adults sleeping together. Your nine year old probably has no clue what is going on but a 13 year old would. And I am in the camp that it is not for you to have a sex talk with your AP. |
Anonymous
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I am 14:12. I am a very openminded host mom with a 14yr old daughter: I cannot predict how I will feel about her (or her two younger sisters) having sex in my home or anyone else's home at 18. Therefore I don't wouldn't want to set this example in my home before knowing how I would approach this with my own children.
Out of curiosity, is you 13yr old a boy or a girl. No judgement here, I am just intrigued to see if gender (and the fact that this is a BP) makes a different here? |
Anonymous
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Op here. I understand that many if not most HMs disagree with my decision regarding my au pair. This is not a general decision - we don't allow just any au pair to bring home just any boy or girlfriend - but in the case of THIS au pair and THIS girlfriend, this is the decision DH and I made without any qualms. These are two amazingly nice young people. They met in training school over the summer and have been inseparable since. We have had the girlfriend to dinner more times than I can count including on Thanksgiving. She is an absolute doll and a wonderful role model for my 13 year old daughter. Should my daughter meet as sweet, kind, and caring a guy as our AP when she is 18, she would be very lucky and absolutely - I would allow them to share her room assuming I had gotten to know the boyfriend as well as I now know AP's girlfriend and assuming they had been together to the same extent and in the same committed fashion as these two have. Not only do I not consider it a problem for DD to see them sharing a room, but I actually consider it a benefit for her to see a model of a doting, loving boyfriend who treats his girlfriend amazingly well. I hope she is smart enough to find herself someone as kind and sweet and responsible and affectionate as our AP is, both towards our family and to his girlfriend.
Thanks to those who weighed in. I have a good idea now of what I feel comfortable saying to him. |