At the end of our rope trying to potty train almost 3 yr old girl

[Anonymous]

I am the nanny for a little girl, who will be turning 3 the first week of April. I have been working with her since she was five months old, and I've always watched her two (10 hour) days per week (she spends two days with grandma and MB stays home on Fridays). MB and DB told me right after her 2nd birthday party they wanted to get serious about potty training. They bought a little potty and a little seat for the big potty, and potty training books, sticker charts, training underwear, etc. DD seemed enthusiastic about using the potty at first. Between May and July we saw some improvement, but she was still having frequent pee accidents, never went poop on the potty, and resisting using the potty in general (it was often difficult to convince her to just sit on the potty). In August her family took a week long trip to the beach, and when she returned it was clear that any progress made over the previous months had been completely lost.

She was having accidents all the time (pee and poop). We were setting an alarm for every 30 minutes, she would sit on the potty and read a few books. If she didn't go we'd set the alarm for 15 minutes and try again then. She would often hold her pee in while sitting on the potty, and the second she got up she would pee all over the floor (or in her clothes, if they were on).

We tried bribing her with sweets (a yogurt raisin reward for every successful pee in the potty; as suggested by grandma), and toys (every time she filled up the sticker chart she got to pick out a new toy), and letting her be "in charge" (she picked out her own undies and stickers at the store), and making sitting on the potty "fun" (we kept some of her favorite books to read on the potty, etc). Her parents tried to tell her she could be a big girl and get a big girl bed, and other big girl perks if she started going pee pee in the potty. We also tried letting her go completely bare bottomed. Nothing helped.

We tried easing into it gradually, then we tried taking away diapers completely (except when sleeping). We tried giving her a three week break, but it did not help. As soon as the break started and she was put in a diaper, she started talking about how she wanted to always wear diapers and "be a baby again." I tried to dissuade her from that line of thought by telling her that babies don't get to do fun big girl things like eat peanut butter sandwiches and go down the slide at the park. She said that was fine, she was happy about the idea of using a baby swing again and drinking milk and eating baby food all day O.o

She was taken to her pediatrician more than once, who insisted things were fine and we should just continue to work on it.

Then, about six weeks ago, I did some internet research on her issues and realized that she was demonstrating classic poop withholding and constipation. It wasn't obvious because she did still poop regularly, but it would be a lot of tiny tiny poops, a few per day and then a massive poop once every few days. I do remember one occasion from just before her 2nd birthday (before potty training began) when she had a very large painful poop, which may have caused her to fear going poop, and hold it in, which further exacerbates the issues of constipation, causes more pain, more fear, more delay, etc etc. According to multiple sources on the internet who discussed this issue, the best ways to treat the issue are by feeding lots of fiber (whole grains, veggies, fruit, nuts, etc), and omega 3s (fish oil, flax seeds, etc) and using laxatives. I will mention that she already was used to eating flax seed bread regularly, and always has eaten tons of fruits as well, so it wasn't as if she was eating a diet poor in those things before.

I discussed this with MB, who seemed to take it very seriously, and immediately bought ground flax seeds to add into her applesauce, etc. She called the doctor to ask if she should bring her daughter in, or if laxatives were necessary, and the doctor just said "don't bother with laxatives, if you're concerned about withholding then take a break from potty training." (We had already taken a three week break but the doctor said we should take another longer break until DD showed more interest in using the potty.)

So, we've been taking a break for the last month. DD has shown very little interest in using the potty. I haven't been pushing it at all, but I've asked her a couple of times if she wanted to try to sit on the potty and every time I get an immediate no! She seems delighted to be in diapers again. Oh, and she also spends time during the week (both with me and grandmas) with her older (3-4 year old) cousins who use the potty, so she has that positive influence as well. And for the record she's an only child with an incredibly stable home life, so there haven't been any big life changes or anything for her in the past two years. We've tried to remain consistent in our approach also; we've made sure that grandma, MB and I have been on the same page; yes in the past ten months we've changed the approach a few times, but we've tried each method for several weeks before realizing it isn't working and trying something new. But in all of that we've kept the focus the same and kept things consistent day to day.

Anyway, I just feel like we've tried everything and I don't know what to do. She will be 3 very soon and we will need to try to potty train again. When we do start to potty train again, is there anything anyone can recommend that we try? I feel horrible that I told MB and DB when I was hired that I had experience with potty training (which is true!), and they've listened to all of my advice throughout this process, and no progress has been made! I've successfully potty trained about a dozen kids over the years, but every time the kids were potty trained within about two months; I've never had this much trouble before now

[Anonymous]

She clearly isn't ready to use the potty for whatever reason. You've tried so many things and many of those things you tried I personally had great success with. But some kids for whatever reason just need some time. This has turned into a power struggle and I would completely stop asking and back off for at least a few months. I finally just potty trained my current 3 year old charge after a year of exactly what you described. When we completely backed off she was finally willing to end the struggle and go. She doesn't have to be reminded to use the potty and there's no struggling with it anymore. Hang in there, I know it's frustrating but I've found that potty training will be easy when the child is ready.

[Anonymous]

Yes, of course, she is ready. It sounds to me like you all need ONE unified approach. I would go back to no diapers in the house at all. Naked butt when she is home. And make her involved in all clean up of accidents. This is not a punishment and should never be presented as one. This is just what we all have to do when we have accidents. Make her take off her own clothes, put them in the washing machine, take a shower and get redressed herself. The point of this is to make her realize that a quick run to the toilet will get her back to her activity/play faster.

I read a very eye-opening post on this forum yesterday on this topic. The poster wrote that we are basically waiting until our children come up with their own reason for potty training - which is nuts. Of course, peeing and pooping in a diaper is easier. Why would any kid choose to do what is more difficult? We have to make the option of peeing/pooping in your pants a more time-consuming option and remove the option of diapers 100% (even for sleeping).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, of course, she is ready. It sounds to me like you all need ONE unified approach. I would go back to no diapers in the house at all. Naked butt when she is home. And make her involved in all clean up of accidents. This is not a punishment and should never be presented as one. This is just what we all have to do when we have accidents. Make her take off her own clothes, put them in the washing machine, take a shower and get redressed herself. The point of this is to make her realize that a quick run to the toilet will get her back to her activity/play faster.

I read a very eye-opening post on this forum yesterday on this topic. The poster wrote that we are basically waiting until our children come up with their own reason for potty training - which is nuts. Of course, peeing and pooping in a diaper is easier. Why would any kid choose to do what is more difficult? We have to make the option of peeing/pooping in your pants a more time-consuming option and remove the option of diapers 100% (even for sleeping).

+1 BUT you all have to agree on this approach and you all have to stick with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, of course, she is ready. It sounds to me like you all need ONE unified approach. I would go back to no diapers in the house at all. Naked butt when she is home. And make her involved in all clean up of accidents. This is not a punishment and should never be presented as one. This is just what we all have to do when we have accidents. Make her take off her own clothes, put them in the washing machine, take a shower and get redressed herself. The point of this is to make her realize that a quick run to the toilet will get her back to her activity/play faster.

I read a very eye-opening post on this forum yesterday on this topic. The poster wrote that we are basically waiting until our children come up with their own reason for potty training - which is nuts. Of course, peeing and pooping in a diaper is easier. Why would any kid choose to do what is more difficult? We have to make the option of peeing/pooping in your pants a more time-consuming option and remove the option of diapers 100% (even for sleeping).

Pretty much this approach. She is ready. She is physically capable, she has the mental ability to understand what is happening, her pediatrician has ruled out any medical causes that would require delaying. I would start at the time she is 3. 3 years old all diapers and Pullups are done and toss them out. Take her underwear shopping. No need to go overboard on books, stickers , rewards. Go about as matter fact we all go on the potty. High fives and verbal praise when she goes on the potty. I truly suggest you toss out all diapers or give them away so you guys can not give in when she asks for them Use a waterproof mattress and underpants for naps and night.

I would not do 15 minute intervals. I would check in with at certain times after a meal and before bed, but she also needs to learn to listen to her body and not rely on you to tell her to go. If she says she doesn't have to go listen to her and if she has an accident follow the clean up approach.

You may try one of those potty inserts and a stepping stool if she can't reach the toilet some kids do not like the potty chairs.

[Anonymous]

Take a break for several weeks. Then start again with one approach. I found reward charts particularly motivating for the 3 year old age range.

[Anonymous]

She will get it! I agree to toss all diapers ect. maybe also try not to focus so much on it. With my charge turning 3 was a BIG deal! And so we told her that 3 year olds don't use diapers and that's a rule! She stopped asking and stopped having accidents!

[Anonymous]

You have gotten a lot of good suggestions, OP. I would add to NEVER ask, "do you have to go?" always ask "Can you go?"

[Anonymous]

don't ask if she wants to go. Say "it's time to go,"

[Anonymous]

After lunch and before nap tell her it is potty time.
All other times ask her if she needs to pee/poop , if she feels it coming and to check with her body.
Potty training is't about avoiding accidents it is about teaching a child to listen to their body signals and eliminate in a toilet instead of a diaper.
If your approach is accident focused you will pro long the process.

[Anonymous]

I would stop asking if she wants to use the potty. Completely, completely stop talking, thinking, etc about it for a few more months. And in the meantime, make sure that her issues with constipation have gone away (her BMs are regular, not as you were describing (days of tiny then one explosive, etc).

If her BMs don't change in a few weeks, and you don't find that she is freely using her diaper for BMs (you feel like she's holding it even though she's in diapers), then she might still be constipated. it's possible for a child to be chronically constipated, although they will poop a little bit. So you'd have to get her parents to have her get an xray done to see if she has an impaction. If she does, you treat however the doctor says (miralax or some other thing like that is often used).

If on the other hand she goes back to not withholding when she's in diapers, then you have a child who isn't socially/emotionally ready to potty train. She's physically ready in that she can hold and let go but she's not emotionally ready to do all that it takes. So if that's true then you either say "tough luck, get ready" and take away diapers completely or you say "lets wait until she's ready, which could be in a few months, like May or June after she's 3 yrs old.

Also, I'd agree you do NOT want to take her to the potty every 15 to 30 minutes - no child likes to be stalked to use the toilet. And it's not about not having accidents, it's about understanding and listening to her body (the accidents are because nobody is perfect). So the rule (when she's in underpants again) is that she goes first thing in the morning, before she eats snacks or any meals, before you go outside or for a walk, when you come back from your outing of any kind, before nap/bed. Those are non-negotiable: you say "we are going to the park in a few minutes. You have time to finish that puzzle, then it will be time to go potty, get your shoes and coat on, and we'll go have fun at the park" (nowhere did I ask if she had to go, wanted to go, needed to go)

then, if you see her doing the potty dance and she's obviously holding it, then you can say "I see you need to go potty. How about you go quick and then we come right back to this puzzle, book, etc."

I always have a child go to the potty before their snacks and meals because they don't usually want to leave the table to go potty even if they have to go SO badly, and then they'll have an accident. So head this off at the pass by having them go before the meal (they have to wash their hands before they eat, anyway, might as well try the potty before washing hands).

But for now, absolutely STOP asking if she wants to go potty, needs to go, would like to sit, etc. I KNOW it's hard not to ask, but every time you ask you go backwards rather than forwards. If you're supposed to be on a break, then a break is 100% that - no potty talk. And that's hard, I know.

Remember, it's a process - nobody ever went to kindergarten in diapers and she'll be potty trained this summer, most likely.