Host family leaving for a vacation without the Au Pair

[Anonymous]

I am an Au Pair in Philadelphia. I have been with my host family for a month.
They're quite nice and warm people and want to make me feel comfortable etc, which is very nice of course.
They are planning a week down to Mexico for a vacation/family wedding and have asked me to stay at home to check on the men remodeling their kitchen (opening the door in the morning, closing it when they leave, checking during the day if everything's ok).
The thing is I'm already kind of homesick and not very happy about their kid (he's kicking me, trying to bite me, talking back a lot etc, he's 7).
Asking me to stay home makes me feel left out and quite sad. I wanted to feel included ...
Do you think it's ok for them to let me home alone like that ?
I'd rather work and don't need the extra time off, I feel like an old pair of socks you don't need.
Maybe it's because I'm from a broken home and expected to be treated like a member of the family.
I'd be happy to hear about what you think. Thank you !

[Anonymous]

Without more info, my reaction: don't you think it would be rather expensive for them to pay for another person on vacation (flight, additional hotel room, more food and activity expenses)? And are you sure it's appropriate for them to bring you to the family wedding? The host family is never obligated to take their AP on vacation; some do, some don't. I'm not sure it's fair for you to expect it.

Obviously though, you do need to discuss their kid's behavior -- separate issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Without more info, my reaction: don't you think it would be rather expensive for them to pay for another person on vacation (flight, additional hotel room, more food and activity expenses)? And are you sure it's appropriate for them to bring you to the family wedding? The host family is never obligated to take their AP on vacation; some do, some don't. I'm not sure it's fair for you to expect it.

Obviously though, you do need to discuss their kid's behavior -- separate issue.

I agree with this. As a HM for an AP a lot of my choice to bring our APs (we've had 3) is mostly financial. I would love to be able to bring them on all of our vacations but it usually adds $1,000 or more to the cost if the trip. It just can't happen. If we rent a house and drive to the location, which we do twice a year to the beach, or go to a family house for a holiday the she is always invited to come along.

Our current AP is extending for another year and we have started to budget her into our trip to Disney next year, but, again, bringing her will cost us close to $2,000.

Also, the child's behavior needs to be addressed.

I hope you enjoy your time with your family. Don't take the vacation personally.

[Anonymous]

We have had several au pairs and some have gone on vacation and others have not. Your note raises a few issues:

1. Deal with the behavior issues now. Ask your host mom for help, your LCC, another au pair for advice.

2. Deal with your home sickness. Find some other au pairs, start your classes, join a gym or a church.

3. It is not fair of them to ask you to supervise the work being done. I would make plans, visit another au pair you met at orientation, go see NYC. Let them know that you appreciate they can't take you so you made some plans and can't deal with the house.

[Anonymous]

It is not reasonable to assume that extra cost for a family wedding when you just arrived, do not know the family or are invited to the wedding.

How the child behaves is a different issue. That is not acceptable and the parents need to work with you to make it stop.

[Anonymous]

It is not fair for them to ask you to oversee workmen in the house. Also, kid's behavior needs to be addressed immediately. The trip should should have been addressed before you came.

[Anonymous]

Longtime HM here, who completely gets why a HF might not bring an AP on vacation (sometimes we do and sometimes we don't - depends on the vacation and on the AP). In this case, probably there is an issue of cost - it would cost a lot to fly an AP from Philly to Mexico and house her for the week, not to mention pay all of her meals while there. But as importantly, a new AP, especially a homesick one who hasn't bonded with the host child (as OP writes is her case), is likely going to take a lot of work, and that is likely the last thing this HF needs when they are at a family wedding in Mexico. Remember, they have known you a MONTH - that is just four weeks. It's wonderful that your HF is nice and warm and makes you feel comfortable, so please don't turn their not taking someone who four weeks ago was unknown to them on an expensive vacation for a week into being treated like an "old pair of socks." The drama is so uncalled for here, because it is completely within your HF's right not to bring you.

OTOH, while they can ask you to open/close the door after the repair people, it's not fair of them to ask you to do anything more than that - you don't know the standard of work they would require and you can't attest to anything other than the repair people being there or not, so you should talk to your HM about what she means by "checking during the day." Is it just that workers are there? That is fine. But you can't comment on the work itself, and you should make sure she understands this.

If they are paying you for the week, they absolutely CAN ask you to do 45 hours worth of child-related tasks during the week and can even specify which days you need to work for 10 hours and which one for 5 (there was a LONG discussion on aupairmom about this last year - this isn't uncommon apparently), so you should not do as a PP suggested and take off for NYC without some discussion with your HF about how you will fulfill the tasks they are asking of you. We personally do not ask our APs to do any tasks when we are away and don't bring them, but the thing is that a HF *can* ask this, and for you to just blow it off would be a problem.

If you're having trouble with the HC, you should talk to your LCC and to your HM (possibly together) and figure out a good strategy for that, but whining about not getting taken on vacation isn't going to get you very far with the LCC. You're lucky they are not requiring that you take this as a vacation week, after all!

So please focus on the good things - you're happy with this family, they are nice and welcoming and make you feel comfortable - and figure out a way to make the most of your week without them.

[Anonymous]

I think it's kind've low for them to bring you out from another country and than leave you alone for a week when you've barely been there.

Host families who do this are rotten, imo, and another reason why they choose AU Pairs is once again, for cheap labor.

Sorry - You should speak with you LCC for all your concerns and see what she recommends.

[Anonymous]

PP who suggested planning a short trip while they are gone. I am curious....how is it possible to devise 45 hours worth of child related tasks with no child around? We've managed together to come up with maybe 10 in the past but 45?

And to say she's lucky they aren't requiring her to take this as a vacation week after only being there a month? Not the way we would treat a new au pair.

I would still take this as an opportunity to have an open conversation with her host mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP who suggested planning a short trip while they are gone. I am curious....how is it possible to devise 45 hours worth of child related tasks with no child around? We've managed together to come up with maybe 10 in the past but 45?

And to say she's lucky they aren't requiring her to take this as a vacation week after only being there a month? Not the way we would treat a new au pair.

I would still take this as an opportunity to have an open conversation with her host mom.

I'm the PP whom I think you're referring to. We have never asked our APs to work at all when we are away but don't take them, but I know from reading aupairmom that LOTS of HFs do. Absolutely everything to do with the children - including cleaning their rooms, cleaning all toys, etc - is fair game. Again, not that we do it, but one COULD do it and it would still be within the spirit of the program. I don't know how one could get to 45 hours, but I remember one HF listing all the things she asked of her AP - I think it was posted here as well - and that sure added up to close to 10 hours a day.

And yes, it is ALSO within the spirit of the program that the HF picks one week of vacation and the AP picks the other. Again, WE don't do this - our APs pick both their weeks, and in fact they always get additional weeks off when we go away but don't take our AP (our APs usually go away themselves the week we do, because we give them lots of notice - so they end up with four or five weeks off, not the two required). But it would absolutely be within the HF's rights to say "this is your week off,"and indeed, the AP should be happy that they are not saying this. Not saying that this is the right way to treat an AP - we would never do it - but a HF could easily and be well within the requirements of the program.

[Anonymous]

PP again. Visit actually agree with you. Sounds like we treat our relationships with our au pairs similarly and it has been successful. More in keeping with the spirit rather than the letter of au pair guidelines or in a website.

Still seems like the best advice from everyone is to deal with the behavior issues, the homesickness and sort out what works for everyone while the family is gone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP who suggested planning a short trip while they are gone. I am curious....how is it possible to devise 45 hours worth of child related tasks with no child around? We've managed together to come up with maybe 10 in the past but 45?

And to say she's lucky they aren't requiring her to take this as a vacation week after only being there a month? Not the way we would treat a new au pair.

I would still take this as an opportunity to have an open conversation with her host mom.

I'm the PP whom I think you're referring to. We have never asked our APs to work at all when we are away but don't take them, but I know from reading aupairmom that LOTS of HFs do. Absolutely everything to do with the children - including cleaning their rooms, cleaning all toys, etc - is fair game. Again, not that we do it, but one COULD do it and it would still be within the spirit of the program. I don't know how one could get to 45 hours, but I remember one HF listing all the things she asked of her AP - I think it was posted here as well - and that sure added up to close to 10 hours a day.

And yes, it is ALSO within the spirit of the program that the HF picks one week of vacation and the AP picks the other. Again, WE don't do this - our APs pick both their weeks, and in fact they always get additional weeks off when we go away but don't take our AP (our APs usually go away themselves the week we do, because we give them lots of notice - so they end up with four or five weeks off, not the two required). But it would absolutely be within the HF's rights to say "this is your week off,"and indeed, the AP should be happy that they are not saying this. Not saying that this is the right way to treat an AP - we would never do it - but a HF could easily and be well within the requirements of the program.

+1 on this because it goes both ways. I had an AP take the 5th week here off. Our rule is she chooses one and we choose the other. She chose that week and we had to deal with it.

[Anonymous]

OP, you don't say what the agreement was prior to matching with the family. I would find it pretty unusual if the family didn't know about this wedding and trip prior to matching with you. Did they tell you they were going and would take you along, all expenses paid? If you knew about this trip and the fact that you would be staying home for it when you matched, you really have no right to gripe now. If you really want to see Mexico, you could always offer to use your vacation week, buy a plane ticket, book a hotel room where they are staying and go with them. But, of course, why would a 20-something woman want to spend her own time and money to hang out with her host family? Only if they were footing the bill and if she was being paid by them to boot. They don't need an AP at a family wedding, there will be all sorts of family around who will be overjoyed to spend time with your HC for free. So unless you want to pay your own way, stay home and enjoy the peace and quiet.javascript:void(0);

[Anonymous]

OP here - I'll try to reply everybody.

First, thank you for your input

- The family has a very good lifestlye, they do well and it wouldn't be a problem financially.
I know I can't expect to be invited to a wedding, I could have stayed at the hotel by myself or explore the city.
- I think I'll stay home by myself just because they need someone to open and shut the door.
- I'm here to explore as much as I can. It would have been a good opportunity to travel, and I could have paid for my trip if I had been offered to come along.
- I have talked to the father about his son's behavior. He told me I can't say "no" to his kid, that he'll learn by himsel what's good and what's bad ... He says he's testing me.
The mother is not very involved in her son's life. She prefers the gym, going out with her husband and letting the kid with me. I actually work on Saturdays during the day while the parents are home and doing whatever.
- I had no idea before going to the US that they would leave for a week for a wedding. I wouldn't have changed my mind though about chosing this family because I wanted to stick to my word.
- They are not leaving me any choice. And it won't be a vacation week.
They could have asked a neighbor to do the door opening.

I am not whining. They don't owe me anything for sure. It's just that I'm feeling left out, not included or part of the family, despite their saying I am.
I'm part of the family when it's handy for them I guess.
Maybe I'm feeling like this because of my own family and it would sound normal for any other AP who has had a happy family life back home. I'm sure it has to do with this.

Right now, I'm thinking about asking for a rematch.
The ill-bread kid + being left home alone + not liking Philadelphia = I can't picture myself staying here for a year

[Anonymous]

Another perspective is that sometimes families need time alone-without the au pair, just like the au pairs need time away for the families. I have taken au pair on vacation and she has planned vacations without me. If I follow your logic, should she invite me on her vacations? Of course not. It's not personal.