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Parenting -- Special Concerns
Reply to "Any opinions about adoption with biological children?"
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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]We are the parents of two children, a 14-y.o. boy who is our child by birth and an 8 y.o. girl whom we adopted at 15 months. I'd like to thank the many posters who have been generous in their insights on this issue, especially the adoptees who posted and the parent who posted on 10/13 00:21. I can't add much to what you've already said so thoughtfully, but would just echo the following points: 1) Adopt for the same reasons you'd have another child by birth -- in other words adopt if you'd like to add to your family, not to help another child. People tell us all the time how lucky our daughter is, but we know we're the lucky ones. She is a beautiful, joyous spirit and I can't imagine how much poorer our lives would be if she had never come into our home. This isn't to say she doesn't bust my chops every day . . . but so does my teen-ager -- that's just a fact of parenting. I did worry before we brought her home whether I'd love her as much as I do my son. I don't worry about that anymore. She's mine and I'm hers; it's as simple as that. As for the relationship between our kids, it's a joy for us to know that they'll have each other's love and support all their lives. Does this mean they never argue or annoy each other? Of course not -- who knows better which buttons to push than your sibs. (Can you tell I'm writing this hours before we leave to spend T-Day with my sister and her family?) [b]2) Treat each of your children as a gift and as a unique individual. In some way, this is easier with a child whom you've adopted. My husband and I look at our son, who shares many of our personality traits and interests, and sometimes find it hard to separate our experience from his. But, our daughter's strengths and challenges are her own, so we can revel in the former without feeling like we're patting ourselves on the back (e.g., She's a great artist, and since neither of us is, we feel a little freer to brag about her talent. :) More seriously, we learn from her to see and appreciate and create beauty.) At the same time, we can be more objective in helping her deal with her challenges because they're not ones we share. Whereas with our son, we get a little more anxious because our egos get more involved. [/b] 3) Remember that all kids (and adults) have their challenges and that there's no recipe for a happy life or family. Create your own family style -- the only ingredients you need are love, patience, faith, humor and gratitude. You'll figure out how to deal with questions about adoption, from all your kids, from friends and from strangers. There are lots of resources in this area for families who have adopted, and your own common sense and love and knowledge of your children will be your greatest asset in sorting out these issues. (PP 10/13 00:21 -- we also work through how much our daughter's Chinese heritage is part of our daily lives, and I appreciate your insights on this. Mostly we look for opportunities to learn about China, but don't force this on her. Sometimes she's really interested and sometimes not.) OP, good luck with your decision. [/quote] Wow, 7:05, thanks for putting into words something I've experienced as an adoptive mother but could never quite explain. Even from the very beginning, when I would participate in new-moms groups, and the other moms would be wracked with guilt over their baby not sleeping or not latching or having reflux, I found that I simply wasn't taking things as personally as they were, and I knew it wasn't because I loved my child any less. But you're right - I see that I can be more objective because my ego isn't involved. When people say how beautiful DD is, I've always said "I can agree with you because I had nothing to do with it!" And I find it fascinating to look at her and see her little mind working - in a way that is so different from mine. And when there's a problem - medical or developmental - I don't blame myself. We just move ahead and do what needs to be done. Anyway, thanks for the revelation...[/quote]
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