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Relationship Discussion (non-explicit)
Reply to "We keep arguing about work and home responsibilities because we're both overwhelmed."
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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote]There are plenty of dads of young children at his salary level that get their work done in a way that allows them to be a contributing partner at home.[/quote] Oh I wasn't saying it can't be done. I'm saying OP's DH is presenting this as a fait accompli; his hours are inflexible, his workouts are a priority, therefore she's gotta handle it all. OK. Well, but it seems he's also expecting her to do everything for these kids. There's a name for that: it's a SAHM. As long as he wants OP to have a job, and he wants nothing to change for him, that means they outsource. And on $270K combined salary in this area, that's either tricky or impossible while also paying for daycare. So. He wants his job to be the only contribution (and frankly to have this 1955 arrangement)? Time to bring in more money dude. Now of course the easier, more equitable, healthier, and better-choice-as-a-father choice, is him actually participating in the family he created and working with his wife to help life move forward. But that's "impossible" because he's so "thorough", can't "multi-task", etc. It's BS. And yes I sound annoyed. As another PP pointed out, DH is running quite the con, and OP sounds like she's genuinely struggling. I think that sucks. [/quote] I posted before that I now stay home but used to be in a similar situation. I actually also worked in finance and kept cutting down. At the end, I was doing more accounting and budgeting for flexibility, which is far different than more glamorous finance jobs in nyc. In OP’s situation, I think her DH should try to get a higher paying job. 170 is pretty low. I made more than that fresh out of grad school 20 years ago. If he isn’t helping much around the house, he should at least earn more to get you more paid help. [b]In my house, I told Dh to go hard in his career and he did. He doesn’t worry about pick up or drop off or getting a kid to dance or soccer. I don’t get mad at him for never going grocery shopping or buying a birthday gift.[/b] I stopped working when he earned 800k. He now earns $2-3m.[/quote] I mean, this is disgusting and a terrible thing to model to both sons and daughters. But you do you.[/quote] To add, you do you but please don’t recommend it to others who may not understand the implications.[/quote] NP. I think that PP sounds absolutely insufferable but to be fair, at least her family prioritized having ONE parent act like the kids matter to them. Everyone else is suggesting that OP and her husband BOTH outsource parenting as much as possible. [/quote] I think you are calling me insufferable. DH helps out most days with driving. OP’s kids are still younger. My kids are older and we have 2-3 kid activities per day. He helps with at least one kid everyday. He may pick up a kid on his way home from work or come home and take my daughter to dance. What he does not have to do is leave work by 4 or 430 and be in traffic being stressed on whether he is going to make it on time to pick up our kid from school at 4:30. I used to have to pick up two kids from two different places and it was very stressful for me. We often have conflicts and we carpool. We have 3 kids and even with one who stayed home, we have conflicts. Before people say we are over scheduled, you don’t always get to pick your practice time or if there is a match or game. If your kid is on an academic team, there are practices, they may stay after school or need to go to a partner’s home. My kids are all also very social and we are the hang out house. I often host play dates and hang outs and drive kids and friends.[/quote] If you are the same person, please know that I called you insufferable not because of how you have structured your family life, but rather for the absolutely ridiculous salary numbers you were throwing around. Most of us normal folk think people who say sh!t like 170K is “pretty low” and that they couldn’t figure out how to ease back until one parent was making almost 1M are complete a-holes. Insufferable. Hope that clears up any confusion.[/quote]
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