My parents are hoarders - how to handle with grandchildren

[Anonymous]

I will try to keep it short. My parents are hoarders, live in another city a few hours away. I haven't been to their home in over 2 years because I just can't take it anymore. My sibling tells me it has gotten much worse. My children have never been to their house, and I am VERY hurt that they refuse to clean it up so that we can visit, so I basically rarely go to my hometown and if I do I stay in a hotel or with my sibling. With Easter coming up I am getting a lot of pressure to visit, but I don't want to go and my DH won't allow my children to be in their house in the current state. I want my kids to have a great relationship with their grandparents, just in a safe environment.

Does anyone have experience with this? Or advice on how to try to get them to get help! TIA

[Anonymous]

You can't be upset at your parents because they won't clean it up. Hoarding is a form of mental illness and they can't help it.

Due to health issues combined with being a child of the depression, my mom could not keep her house cleaned up and/or clutter free. Many years before her death, I stopped staying at her house. But, I still visited. When I went home, I stayed with friends or in a hotel and I went to visit. Often, because I couldn't stand the clutter (I am diametrically opposite of this), I would take my mom out so we could spend time together. But, so not to offend, I would also go early and sit around and talk over coffee or a glass of wine and sometimes I would stay after our outings and watch a tv show or two with her.

I didn't have kids until after my mom's death, but I have a ton of nieces and nephews. My siblings all lived in the same town, so they didn't have to travel to visit. They wanted their kids to see my mom, so they would go frequently but only for short visits. And, during those visits, all of us had to watch the kids because the house was so not childproof. It all worked out for us and we are all glad for the efforts we made.

Maybe you can figure out some way to make it work in your family too. Now that my mom is gone and some of my nieces and nephews are grown, I can tell you that we all cherish the memories that were made during those visits. And, honestly, when we get together now, there is never a time that we don't get laughing over the state of my mom's house.

[Anonymous]

Aaaaaahhhhh! I'm so happy you asked this question, because I have the same problem with my in-laws! We were always expected to stay at the hoarding house every time we visited, until I got pregnant, then for some reason the whole family agreed we should stay with an aunt. It really made me angry that up until I was pregnant I had to stay in their disgusting house, but then once I became pregnant the family thought it was unsuitable for me...if I had known that I would have gotten pregnant years ago! I won't go into details of the condition of the home, but let me just tell you it's so gross I can hardly eat or drink when I'm there...you never know what you're going to be consuming.

So we're going there next week for DD's first visit and I'm dreading even bringing her in the door! Luckily we are spending the night with a different family member, but we still need to visit the hoarding house. I'm not the kind of mom that shelters my kid in a sterile bubble by any means, but there's not a single sanitary place in that house where we can put her down. I think what I'll do is bring a thick blanket with us to let her play on, then just throw it away after we leave--or we'll have to hold her the entire time.

Good luck! I hope people have some good advice here!

[Anonymous]

My MIL is a hoarder. My husband told her several years ago that until her house was cleaned and child-proofed that we would not bring our kids there. He also hasn't been back for about 3 1/2 years - he was so upset after the last visit, I stopped suggesting it. We've stuck to no visits to her, but always made sure to invite her to join us on holidays and we assist with any associated costs for travel. It is not perfect, but it works for us. Fortunately, she has not made ANY comments about wanting us to stay at her house since before or after kids - we used to stay with family, the next time we visit, we're in a hotel or camping... it's not like there is anywhere in the house that we could bunk down anyway.
On the personal side - don't take it as any sign of their regard for you or your kids. Hoarders can't help themselves - it takes lots of therapy to work through the worst of it. It says nothing about you, or how they feel about you. You'll need to just let that part go for your long-term peace of mind. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

My mother was a hoarder. I didn't find out the extent until after she died and I had to clean up her house and go through all her stuff. (that's another story - - lots of time and money) She never allowed me or my three sisters to go inside and a few years before she died she started living with me and my sister.

My kids never went to her house, even though we live about 15 minutes away in the same city. She always came to our house to visit and she and my kids developed a great relationship. They never really thought about why we never went there. She just always came to our house and that was the way it was. My advice would be just to have your parents come to your house to visit. It sort of surprises me that a hoarder would want you to come to their house, because I thought there was a lot of shame and secrecy related to this disease. On the other hand, if you do go to their house and your children are young they probably won't really notice that much. I just find a hoarders house very unpleasant and I'd rather have them come to mine, and I would think they would prefer that too. Good luck - - I know what a tough issue this is to deal with. It is a very hard to understand disease.

[Anonymous]

OP here: glad to know I am not the only one. My parents' house is not just cluttered, you can't even walk anywhere barely, they could be on that A&E show Hoarders, it's serious, so I don't even want to go there, period. It is not a childproof issue, it is just unsanitary and really unsafe. There is no where to sit, barely anywhere to stand. They recently bought a house at the beach so that the family could gather there during holidays, instead of just cleaning up there own house. But they can't afford it so they are renting it out. I grew up in this house, and it was really bad back then but because I am a clean freak I spent a lot of time trying to keep it clean. There really isn't anything to laugh about with the situation. I can just see my handicap father tripping over something again, getting hurt and them being scared to call 911 because they don't want strangers in the home.

Has anyone had an "intervention" with a hoarder? I want them to get some help, I don't think they like living this way. I hate to see them live out their years in squalor.

[Anonymous]

As PP stated, I'm glad I'm not the only one dealing with this issue. It started back when I was a kid and it was with both of my parents. Because of this, I haven't been back to the house for years and have no plans to ever go back. I've told my dad to will off all of their stuff to someone else because I refuse to deal with their mess. Because of them, I am a clean freak and a minimalist. I can't stand to have someone in my house unless it's spotless.

Unfortunately I have no suggestions to help you out, but it's obvious you're not the only one! Good luck!

[Anonymous]

don't take it as any sign of their regard for you or your kids. Hoarders can't help themselves - it takes lots of therapy to work through the worst of it. It says nothing about you, or how they feel about you. You'll need to just let that part go for your long-term peace of mind

I totally agree with this. I also think you should try and let go of any guilt that makes you feel like to you do need to go to your parents' house. I have hoarders all throughout my family and it took me a long time to get over the hurt. I don't know that I'm completely over it because I think, deep down, if the really loved me they wouldn't do this thing that hurts me so much. That's on an emotional level. On a rational level, I know it has nothing to do with my lovablility. It's a mental illness and if it were a physical disability, I wouldn't have the same problem.

As hard as it is, I don't think your kids should visit your parents home if your DH is not in agreement. Hoarder homes aren't any better than a garbage dump and I would never let my kids play at the dump. I know your parents may be hurt by that statement but my experience in this situation is that unequivocal honesty is best. Let's face it, it's not like how many of our houses get after a hectic week. We may be untidy at times but we're not living in filth. Your kids can still have a great relationship with your parents and you've gotten a lot of good advice from PPs. Open your home to them, get a room in a hotel with a pool in their town and invite them to swim with the kids, just don't feel like you have to do anything at their house. Good luck. I know how difficult this is. Just be glad it's not cats. Now that is a nasty, nasty situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As PP stated, I'm glad I'm not the only one dealing with this issue. It started back when I was a kid and it was with both of my parents. Because of this, I haven't been back to the house for years and have no plans to ever go back. I've told my dad to will off all of their stuff to someone else because I refuse to deal with their mess. Because of them, I am a clean freak and a minimalist. I can't stand to have someone in my house unless it's spotless.

Unfortunately I have no suggestions to help you out, but it's obvious you're not the only one! Good luck!

I also became a minimalist. Can't stand clutter and tons of furniture and niknaks. I really hate all that crap.