i want to become a SAHM, but we can't afford it

[Anonymous]

I think if your husband found a new job in DC or VA and your family moved to NoVa near your job, that your stress level would go way down. You’d have more time with your family and a shorter commute. So I would focus on that. Does your agency do an alternate work schedule? Either 4x10’s or a day off every other week - that would be more doable with a shorter commute as well. I completely understand basically not being able to give up the Fed job and benefits because my husband is in the same boat. We need the insurance his job provides and with the uncertainty and instability in the private sector, that is a trade off we’ve made ... a longer commute and lesser pay than the private sector, in exchange for much better insurance and more stability in general and with insurance plans in particular. Also get the challenges that come with a clearance job as my husband simply can’t telework - it’s not allowed at any TS clearance agency.

[Anonymous]

Are you sure you can't afford it? We live in the MD suburbs and my husband makes less and I SAH. Things are not luxurious, but it's manageable.

[Anonymous]

I know it is hard and a grind now OP, but I don't understand why people are encouraging you to try to SAH when your husband is chronically ill. I'm sure he wishes to get more time at home too. It's just the hand you have been dealt, and while it isn't perfect, there are ways you can make some changes that will make your life better without putting more pressure on your DH or yourself. One of you being close to home is what seems the most plausible. So is a limited number of years of you going to part-time. A nanny or nanny-share at your close to your home will help too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get a kick out of some posters believing all one has to do is declare to your boss you are going to go part time, telecommute, find a better job that pays double what you make yet still go part time or telecommute. You people have DCitis and don't know how the real world is. My husband's admin tried the above. She was fired. Last I heard she was working for another company and working longer hours for less pay. And those 10 plus years of vacation time, sick days, whatever ? They no longer count in her new job. She's starting over from scratch.

When the decision to become a SAHM is made, sacrifices kick in and it's not easy. OP's in a particularly painful position. The reality is she cannot quit working because her husband's health doesn't allow it. We all didn't marry Mr. Money Bags.

Her wants no longer matter. Life is mean sometimes.

Exactly this. These decisions are not easy and have professional consequences. Moreover, being the sole breadwinner (as her husband would be, if she SAH) is stressful, and stress is terrible for someone with MS. It can lead to accelerated disease progression.

PP with the DH with MS here, and +1M to this. I would never do this.

I am a single parent with MS. I am therefore responsible for both the paycheck and the insurance. I work a job similar to OP’s husband. I don’t feel stressed to the point where it is exacerbating my illness. I made sure I had ample savings (which OP and her husband can build up before she quits her job). I have disability insurance. I have a plan for if my health deteriorates. And i don’t have the fallback of the other parent returning to the workforce, even in an admin capacity to get insurance. It’s not as dire as everyone is making it out to be, but you do have to make sacrifices.

But I agree with PP who said OP doesn’t really want to quit her job. She wants to whine because working and parenting is hard. If she SAH, she would probably whine that SAH is hard too (because it is—not trying to start that debate here). Yes, OP, being an adult is hard. Suck it up.

PP here. Everyone's experience is different. My DH would not do well as the sole breadwinner and I know for sure that if we went that route, he would experience high stress and that it would have a negative effect on his health. His MS has progressed a lot in two decades and I don't want to accelerate that progression, if I can help it.

As a single parent, you don't have the option to SAH, so of course you make it work.

My DH doesn't qualify for disability insurance beyond what his work provides. I'm surprised you have that.

I don't read any of OP's posts as whining. Nor do I see her painting a "dire" (your word) picture. She would like to improve her quality of life and looking for help in thinking about how to do that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get a kick out of some posters believing all one has to do is declare to your boss you are going to go part time, telecommute, find a better job that pays double what you make yet still go part time or telecommute. You people have DCitis and don't know how the real world is. My husband's admin tried the above. She was fired. Last I heard she was working for another company and working longer hours for less pay. And those 10 plus years of vacation time, sick days, whatever ? They no longer count in her new job. She's starting over from scratch.

When the decision to become a SAHM is made, sacrifices kick in and it's not easy. OP's in a particularly painful position. The reality is she cannot quit working because her husband's health doesn't allow it. We all didn't marry Mr. Money Bags.

Her wants no longer matter. Life is mean sometimes.

Exactly this. These decisions are not easy and have professional consequences. Moreover, being the sole breadwinner (as her husband would be, if she SAH) is stressful, and stress is terrible for someone with MS. It can lead to accelerated disease progression.

PP with the DH with MS here, and +1M to this. I would never do this.

I am a single parent with MS. I am therefore responsible for both the paycheck and the insurance. I work a job similar to OP’s husband. I don’t feel stressed to the point where it is exacerbating my illness. I made sure I had ample savings (which OP and her husband can build up before she quits her job). I have disability insurance. I have a plan for if my health deteriorates. And i don’t have the fallback of the other parent returning to the workforce, even in an admin capacity to get insurance. It’s not as dire as everyone is making it out to be, but you do have to make sacrifices.

But I agree with PP who said OP doesn’t really want to quit her job. She wants to whine because working and parenting is hard. If she SAH, she would probably whine that SAH is hard too (because it is—not trying to start that debate here). Yes, OP, being an adult is hard. Suck it up.

I'm glad that you haven't gotten to the point where stress is exacerbating your illness. Unfortunately, my husband has gotten to that point.

I'm not trying to whine; I made it clear upfront that I just needed to vent, as I think most people have to at some point.

Your husband should seek therapy with someone who has experience with chronic illness. His neurologist should have recommendations.

PP with the DH with MS here.

You are tone-deaf. I imagine that OP's DH is getting the help that he needs. Mine is in therapy with someone who has experience with chronic illness. He also sees a neurologist specialized in MS, a psychiatrist, and a GP/internist. He is on MS meds, antidepressants, blood pressure medication, urinary incontinence medication, and I forget what else. It all helps but none of it is a magic bullet.

You should seek therapy to become empathetic.

[Anonymous]

OP I work for local government and get a lot of leave. I use all of my leave to spend time with my kids. We don't take two week vacations, but I take one day off every other week and keep my kids home from daycare. I also do all sick days and doctor's appointments with them. And I'll leave work early once in a while to get them early. If you've worked for the feds for 10 years, I would think that you have a lot of leave.

[Anonymous]

I don’t have any advice to add but (((hugs))) to you, OP! I used to work in the IC and can relate to the tedium. Hopefully it’s a phase and you’ll find something to get excited about soon. Best of luck to you!

[Anonymous]

Just wanted to say, I can relate. We now have a 2 yr old and a 4 year old and since pregnancy with my first, I dreamed of staying home. DH loves his job and leaving it would mean leaving secure gov position, letting go of great health care and future pension, as well as very reasonable hours. However, his income isn't enough -we'd get by but we are already in just a small 2 BR with no yard so financially speaking, it would really limit us for the future. My dream would be to leave the area entirely and buy a house for half the price and stay at home with the kids. Its true what others say that your child will stay up later but I never really found a balance- working all day and eeking out just a few hours with them in the evening is tough and exhausting. I have a VERY short commute and still hate being away from them all day and only getting time with them in the evenings. Even on days when I stay home with them and they are sick, crabby, and needy, I find it infinitely more enjoyable than being at work and rushing through the evening with them. I wish you luck in finding a good balance. I am still trying to figure out how to do it!

[Anonymous]

Your kid is one, bedtime will gradually get later and later, and you've stuck it out already, at this point there's no sense to SAHM. Grass is always greener OP, because SAHM isn't a real choice for you, it's all the more appealing. Don't fall into that trap, instead focus on improving your current job or transfer laterally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't know your budget, but 160K should be enough to SAhM even if for few years.

yeah
don't get this

I stayed home on $105K a year in a SF home in a nice area. two kids - one in a local co-op nursery school

It gets more expensive as they age - with new clothes, activities, braces, you name it.

Where exactly was this area?

I'd like to know, too. I am originally from the Bay Area. We could do $160K, but not $105. Rent control?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I work for local government and get a lot of leave. I use all of my leave to spend time with my kids. We don't take two week vacations, but I take one day off every other week and keep my kids home from daycare. I also do all sick days and doctor's appointments with them. And I'll leave work early once in a while to get them early. If you've worked for the feds for 10 years, I would think that you have a lot of leave.

I've only been with the feds for 5 years; I analyzed essentially the same material in undergrad and grad school, which is why I said I've been doing essentially the same thing for 10 years. I was on maternity leave last year, so I zeroed out my leave. I have a good deal of sick leave, but barely any vacation time.