Long term unemployed husband

[Anonymous]

He is a sahd.

We don't call sahm's unemployed.

[Anonymous]

A friend of mine's husband lost his job and ultimately stopped working about 5 years ago, when their child was a toddler. He didn't look that hard for work after about 1 year and while she was annoyed, he is a good SAHP, and she earns a good living so decided to just let it go. She makes the money, he runs the house (pretty easy when you have one very responsible, sweet 8 year old child). But now my friend is fighting a bad diagnosis, and freaked out about what will happen if she is disabled or passes away. She has life insurance but not enough to keep everything going for years on end.

This is why both DH and I work--fear of how hard i might be to get back in the workplace if one of us needed too...

[Anonymous]

R

[Anonymous]

I AM ALSO IN YOUR SHOES AND IT SURE DAMN HURTS.YOU WAKE UP EVERY MORNING AND WONDER IF TODAY IS THE DAY HE GETS A JOB AND YOU SLEEP KNOWING NOTHING CAME FORTH .SO FRUSTRATING.NOT EASY BEING A BREADWINNER.FOR SURE I CANT LEAVE BUT I KEEP ASKING ,FOR HOW LONG AM I GONNA HOLD UP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You sound a little self-centered. It seems he'd work if a good opportunity came along.

um no. A man who refuses to get a job to help his family is the definition of self centered. Are you still having sex OP? what a lame DH you have.

[Anonymous]

This thread is old. Very old.

To anyone married to a bum, threaten to leave. They'll have to get a job then, in order to pay you child support and to support themselves.

I don't understand the concept of able-bodied grown men who are dead broke choosing not to work. That is not an option! There are too many jobs out here in 2017. Good jobs. Even if they aren't good, you gotta start somewhere, work your way up to where you want to be.

I've taken all kinds of jobs I didn't want, because I'm a single mom and had no choice. I'm a better person for it. And now i have a really good job making good $$$. So I will NEVER understand these sorry ass excuses of a man complaining they can't find a decent job. These bums need to get over themselves. Losers!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This thread is old. Very old.

To anyone married to a bum, threaten to leave. They'll have to get a job then, in order to pay you child support and to support themselves.

I don't understand the concept of able-bodied grown men who are dead broke choosing not to work. That is not an option! There are too many jobs out here in 2017. Good jobs. Even if they aren't good, you gotta start somewhere, work your way up to where you want to be.

I've taken all kinds of jobs I didn't want, because I'm a single mom and had no choice. I'm a better person for it. And now i have a really good job making good $$$. So I will NEVER understand these sorry ass excuses of a man complaining they can't find a decent job. These bums need to get over themselves. Losers!

If you work and you they haven't worked in a long time, you will be paying them child support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread is old. Very old.

To anyone married to a bum, threaten to leave. They'll have to get a job then, in order to pay you child support and to support themselves.

I don't understand the concept of able-bodied grown men who are dead broke choosing not to work. That is not an option! There are too many jobs out here in 2017. Good jobs. Even if they aren't good, you gotta start somewhere, work your way up to where you want to be.

I've taken all kinds of jobs I didn't want, because I'm a single mom and had no choice. I'm a better person for it. And now i have a really good job making good $$$. So I will NEVER understand these sorry ass excuses of a man complaining they can't find a decent job. These bums need to get over themselves. Losers!

If you work and you they haven't worked in a long time, you will be paying them child support.

No you won't be paying them child support, if they don't have primary custody. And if they aren't working, guess who will most likely NOT get primary custody. The deadbeat bum father.

Plus, if he doesn't have a job and is broke, he won't be able to afford a lawyer, much less a good one to try and fight for custody. If he isn't motivated enough to get a job, I highly doubt he will try to get a lawyer.

[Anonymous]

I can't imagine a judge in America, making a good hard working mother who is the sole provider in her household with two able bodied adults, pay child support to a bum deadbeat dad. And god bless him if he gets a female judge.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can't imagine a judge in America, making a good hard working mother who is the sole provider in her household with two able bodied adults, pay child support to a bum deadbeat dad. And god bless him if he gets a female judge.

Happens all the time sweetchecks.

Increasingly, it is moms who pay their exes child support and alimony, and their vitriol about the matter is often far more acute than when payer and payee fall along traditional gender lines.

Vanessa was stunned to learn that after he ex left her for a much younger neighbor, she had to pay him nearly $70,000 in alimony and child support. “During all the years of marriage, I always tried to support his tech business, encouraged him to invest my income in getting it off the ground, even paid his student loan debt. I eventually realized he had a really crappy work ethic, and was taking advantage. The kids were in full-time, very expensive day care, and he didn’t do his share around the house. How is it fair that I supported him all those years and I still have to support him! Doesn’t he have any sense of being a man, and taking care of his family?”

https://www.wealthysinglemommy.com/mom-pay-child-support-alimony/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't imagine a judge in America, making a good hard working mother who is the sole provider in her household with two able bodied adults, pay child support to a bum deadbeat dad. And god bless him if he gets a female judge.

Happens all the time sweetchecks.

Increasingly, it is moms who pay their exes child support and alimony, and their vitriol about the matter is often far more acute than when payer and payee fall along traditional gender lines.

Vanessa was stunned to learn that after he ex left her for a much younger neighbor, she had to pay him nearly $70,000 in alimony and child support. “During all the years of marriage, I always tried to support his tech business, encouraged him to invest my income in getting it off the ground, even paid his student loan debt. I eventually realized he had a really crappy work ethic, and was taking advantage. The kids were in full-time, very expensive day care, and he didn’t do his share around the house. How is it fair that I supported him all those years and I still have to support him! Doesn’t he have any sense of being a man, and taking care of his family?”

https://www.wealthysinglemommy.com/mom-pay-child-support-alimony/

And the lesson is- ladies be smart about this. Don't tolerate lazy losers, and if they choose to be unemployed, quit your job before filing for divorce. You're the breadwinner? Do what male breadwinners have done for eons. Don't be generous, hide the assets, don't try to empower their business. Think about YOU. Be smart, women. The power dynamics are shifting

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't imagine a judge in America, making a good hard working mother who is the sole provider in her household with two able bodied adults, pay child support to a bum deadbeat dad. And god bless him if he gets a female judge.

Happens all the time sweetchecks.

Increasingly, it is moms who pay their exes child support and alimony, and their vitriol about the matter is often far more acute than when payer and payee fall along traditional gender lines.

Vanessa was stunned to learn that after he ex left her for a much younger neighbor, she had to pay him nearly $70,000 in alimony and child support. “During all the years of marriage, I always tried to support his tech business, encouraged him to invest my income in getting it off the ground, even paid his student loan debt. I eventually realized he had a really crappy work ethic, and was taking advantage. The kids were in full-time, very expensive day care, and he didn’t do his share around the house. How is it fair that I supported him all those years and I still have to support him! Doesn’t he have any sense of being a man, and taking care of his family?”

https://www.wealthysinglemommy.com/mom-pay-child-support-alimony/

And the lesson is- ladies be smart about this. Don't tolerate lazy losers, and if they choose to be unemployed, quit your job before filing for divorce. You're the breadwinner? Do what male breadwinners have done for eons. Don't be generous, hide the assets, don't try to empower their business. Think about YOU. Be smart, women. The power dynamics are shifting

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread is old. Very old.

To anyone married to a bum, threaten to leave. They'll have to get a job then, in order to pay you child support and to support themselves.

I don't understand the concept of able-bodied grown men who are dead broke choosing not to work. That is not an option! There are too many jobs out here in 2017. Good jobs. Even if they aren't good, you gotta start somewhere, work your way up to where you want to be.

I've taken all kinds of jobs I didn't want, because I'm a single mom and had no choice. I'm a better person for it. And now i have a really good job making good $$$. So I will NEVER understand these sorry ass excuses of a man complaining they can't find a decent job. These bums need to get over themselves. Losers!

If you work and you they haven't worked in a long time, you will be paying them child support.

No you won't be paying them child support, if they don't have primary custody. And if they aren't working, guess who will most likely NOT get primary custody. The deadbeat bum father.

Plus, if he doesn't have a job and is broke, he won't be able to afford a lawyer, much less a good one to try and fight for custody. If he isn't motivated enough to get a job, I highly doubt he will try to get a lawyer.

Actually, no. In OP's case, the primary caregiver would likely get primary and the working mother would pay support.

I know three women in biglaw who don't have primary physical custody and pay a lot of child support for this reason.

Honestly, this is why male or female, I am not okay with a SAHP situation absent some sort of post-nup that explains what happens if you divorce that protects my custody rights.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread is old. Very old.

To anyone married to a bum, threaten to leave. They'll have to get a job then, in order to pay you child support and to support themselves.

I don't understand the concept of able-bodied grown men who are dead broke choosing not to work. That is not an option! There are too many jobs out here in 2017. Good jobs. Even if they aren't good, you gotta start somewhere, work your way up to where you want to be.

I've taken all kinds of jobs I didn't want, because I'm a single mom and had no choice. I'm a better person for it. And now i have a really good job making good $$$. So I will NEVER understand these sorry ass excuses of a man complaining they can't find a decent job. These bums need to get over themselves. Losers!

If you work and you they haven't worked in a long time, you will be paying them child support.

No you won't be paying them child support, if they don't have primary custody. And if they aren't working, guess who will most likely NOT get primary custody. The deadbeat bum father.

Plus, if he doesn't have a job and is broke, he won't be able to afford a lawyer, much less a good one to try and fight for custody. If he isn't motivated enough to get a job, I highly doubt he will try to get a lawyer.

Actually, no. In OP's case, the primary caregiver would likely get primary and the working mother would pay support.

I know three women in biglaw who don't have primary physical custody and pay a lot of child support for this reason.

Honestly, this is why male or female, I am not okay with a SAHP situation absent some sort of post-nup that explains what happens if you divorce that protects my custody rights.

There is no way to draw up a contract to 'protect custody rights' in a divorce. Courts will override any contract with best interest of child. Usually that's shared custody-50/50. if your friends left the state would they might then lose that. Either way the wealthier spouse helps support the lower earning one, that's how child support had always worked. Barring abuse, shared custody is best for the child. Frankly if this thread were a bunch of men talking about trying to avoid paying child support to sahm's they would be flamed, and rightly so. If you start a family with a partner, you have to pool resources to support that family unit for 18 years, even if you can't live together. As a woman (who works) I think it's a shame it's okay to trash sahds and/or sahms. Work in the home is still work. We need to move past these outdated assumptions that only WOH is valued and which gender is allowed to do it.

[Anonymous]

I would leave. He won't be able to survive off child support, not in this area unless the wife is making major money. That will force him to get a job. I have no problem with SAHD or SAHM but it's something that both partners need to agree to.