managing negative emotions about grieving relatives

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:OP, your dislike, disdain, and pure hatred against your sister means you should own it and not go.

You are blaming her for the death of that child, and gossiping about it behind her back. You’re fuelling the fire that it’s her fault, and it’s not. Tragic things happen. Extreme sports are dangerous, but it’s not less tragic when a death happens. I know of kids that have died horseback riding, been paralyzed from gymnastics, or had heart attacks on the football field. My own twin brother died of SIDS. Was my mother to blame for putting him to sleep that night?

Now, the racism thing is a little harder. You’re lashing out because your child is hurt, wondering if they’re talking about her behind her back, but don’t realize her response is because you talk sh$t about your family behind THEIR backs?

I’m not sure Of the slur or the context, but in the case of a one off from a teen with horrified parents, I’d say some education is what’s needed. No, it’s not up to anyone to educate people on how to not be racist (or any other kind of -ist), but education can go a long way to eliminating the impact that you talk about. It shouldn’t be so confusing, but to a teenager who hears certain slurs in songs or on social
Media, they may not really get how harmful words in the real world and out of context can be. I’m sorry his apology didn’t suit, but it also may be he’s a teenage boy who
Isn’t supposed to have feelings to start with, feeling guilty and confused and not knowing HOW to apologize to your daughter. No amount of coaching by his parents is going to hit home in the way a peer’s side of things is going to. I don’t know any teenage boy who is going to say anything meaningful with an audience of 4 angry parents watching over him.

Skip the funeral. You’re too invested in the negative to make a meaningful impact. You only want to go to save YOUR face, and that’s a shifty position for someone trying to pretend they’re all Puppies and rainbows.

She is also blaming her sister for her child’s use of the slur. I can’t tell you how many teens of progressive DC area parents I have heard of saying these things. Sister communicated what the kid did was unacceptable made the kid apologize. Is OP expecting a written out 3 page apology letter from a surly teen? Clearly sister is not a responsible parent. OP is a bitter and resentful person. I also think she should skip the entire event.

I think OP is a normal grieving person with an imperfect family and who is imperfect herself, and trying to navigate racism towards her biracial child , which is really difficult. I think you are a total jerk.

There hasn't been any part of anything OP has said that makes it sound like they are grieving. Or maybe I just can't see it though their superiority complex and constant putting down of sister.

You are either lying or have no idea what grief looks like.

Ah yes. Talking about the trainwreck sister. The racist nephew. The sister who never taught her kid to apologize. The "I told you so" surrounding the death. Worrying how OP is going to keep their mouth shut about the above and just support sister. Yes, lots of grieving there b

So you don't know what grief looks like. Why are you posting here? Literally doing anything else would be a better use of your time.

So weird. None of the grief I've gone through in life has ever looked like this

Grief often presents as anger. It's literally the second stage of grief.

You're right, grief often presents as anger. It would be very normal for a grieving OP to present as angry at the unnamed activity that took her nephew/niece's life, angry at god, angry at intact families, angry at herself for not attending the funeral, angry at his mother for allowing him to do the activity - if she were actually engaged in a grieving process for this child. But there is no sense of grief in her post. Just, how do I keep my mouth shut when I know better how this child should have been parented and I find it ridiculous that his parents allowed this? This is not a stage of grief. This is the opposite of grief work. It's like saying that the reason OP didn't go to the funeral was that she was in the "denial" stage of grief. No, sorry. There's no indicia of grief here.

On the one hand, as a grieving mom myself, I'm tempted to tell OP to stay away. On the other hand, my brother and his family and my family were not close when my child died. There had been a lot of incidents. But they all came to the funeral and it led to a turning of the page and a new relationship. Can you not use this death as way to forge a new relationship?

One thing I can tell you OP, your sister well never be the same person she was after this death. That person is gone. Whatever you are holding against, it doesn't matter. That old person died too when her child died.

I absolutely see grief in her post. I also recognize that, obviously, she is not posting with the intent of sharing her grief, she is asking about a specific issue. This is a common bullying tactic on DCUM - a person posts about a specific aspect of a serious situation and then posters jump all over her because she didn't share the entire contents of her psyche with regards to that situation, and call a person going through a horrible situation, a terrible person. Just for fun I guess? Because I can't imagine you actually think OP's posts here represent the entirety of her feelings on this situation.

+1. The posters jumping all over her and calling her vile and whatnot are the actual terrible people. Who bullies someone who’s lost someone close and is trying to process complex feelings about the situation?

Because calling losing a child >>>>>>>>>>>>> a child being called a name. OP is making this all about her and not at all about her sister and her tragic loss. A normal person would forget all about the past and be there for her sister in her time of need. But not OP. She needs to be the star of this show.

But you, you are an awesome person. Awesome people talk like this about a person processing the death of a child.

Well OPs sister is the "dumbass" during her time of grief. So I guess you think OP is awesome for how she talks about her sister who actually is grieving.

Well OP isn't actually saying that to her sister, she is saying that is what she is thinking and wants to NOT say that to her sister. You clearly think unkind things about people, AND you pile onto them while they are grieving. Based on your example, OP should walk up to her sister and tell her she is a racist, bad parent.

OP isn't grieving. But the last thing I'd be thinking if my nephew is that my brother is some childish word like "dumbass".

Whatever, people are allowed to have complicated feelings about family when they’re grieving. It’s not like she went up to her sister and said that. You OTOH are a huge dumba$$ for insulting an anonymous person who’s hurting and looking for ways to deal with this situation with compassion.

Read the OP. She barely sees her family. This is all about her. Couldn’t even be bothered to go to the funeral.

[Anonymous]

My little cousin died in my home country when I was 10. She was only 3 years old. They do the funeral pretty much immediately there (within 24 hours) so we couldn't be there. It's awful to experience a loss like that from long distance when you can't grieve in community. It was really confusing and I remember my mom was really upset. I don't think she knew what to do or say.

It's a really horrible thing to happen and of course OP has complicated feelings.

[Anonymous]

No matter what, when a child dies, there's a lot of "othering" of the parents. Here, it's how dare the mother allow the child to participate in extreme sports. There's always a way of making the parents "other" to conclude mentally that it couldn't happen to you.

The othering is the denial stage of grief.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, your dislike, disdain, and pure hatred against your sister means you should own it and not go.

You are blaming her for the death of that child, and gossiping about it behind her back. You’re fuelling the fire that it’s her fault, and it’s not. Tragic things happen. Extreme sports are dangerous, but it’s not less tragic when a death happens. I know of kids that have died horseback riding, been paralyzed from gymnastics, or had heart attacks on the football field. My own twin brother died of SIDS. Was my mother to blame for putting him to sleep that night?

Now, the racism thing is a little harder. You’re lashing out because your child is hurt, wondering if they’re talking about her behind her back, but don’t realize her response is because you talk sh$t about your family behind THEIR backs?

I’m not sure Of the slur or the context, but in the case of a one off from a teen with horrified parents, I’d say some education is what’s needed. No, it’s not up to anyone to educate people on how to not be racist (or any other kind of -ist), but education can go a long way to eliminating the impact that you talk about. It shouldn’t be so confusing, but to a teenager who hears certain slurs in songs or on social
Media, they may not really get how harmful words in the real world and out of context can be. I’m sorry his apology didn’t suit, but it also may be he’s a teenage boy who
Isn’t supposed to have feelings to start with, feeling guilty and confused and not knowing HOW to apologize to your daughter. No amount of coaching by his parents is going to hit home in the way a peer’s side of things is going to. I don’t know any teenage boy who is going to say anything meaningful with an audience of 4 angry parents watching over him.

Skip the funeral. You’re too invested in the negative to make a meaningful impact. You only want to go to save YOUR face, and that’s a shifty position for someone trying to pretend they’re all Puppies and rainbows.

She is also blaming her sister for her child’s use of the slur. I can’t tell you how many teens of progressive DC area parents I have heard of saying these things. Sister communicated what the kid did was unacceptable made the kid apologize. Is OP expecting a written out 3 page apology letter from a surly teen? Clearly sister is not a responsible parent. OP is a bitter and resentful person. I also think she should skip the entire event.

I think OP is a normal grieving person with an imperfect family and who is imperfect herself, and trying to navigate racism towards her biracial child , which is really difficult. I think you are a total jerk.

There hasn't been any part of anything OP has said that makes it sound like they are grieving. Or maybe I just can't see it though their superiority complex and constant putting down of sister.

You are either lying or have no idea what grief looks like.

Ah yes. Talking about the trainwreck sister. The racist nephew. The sister who never taught her kid to apologize. The "I told you so" surrounding the death. Worrying how OP is going to keep their mouth shut about the above and just support sister. Yes, lots of grieving there b

So you don't know what grief looks like. Why are you posting here? Literally doing anything else would be a better use of your time.

So weird. None of the grief I've gone through in life has ever looked like this

Grief often presents as anger. It's literally the second stage of grief.

You're right, grief often presents as anger. It would be very normal for a grieving OP to present as angry at the unnamed activity that took her nephew/niece's life, angry at god, angry at intact families, angry at herself for not attending the funeral, angry at his mother for allowing him to do the activity - if she were actually engaged in a grieving process for this child. But there is no sense of grief in her post. Just, how do I keep my mouth shut when I know better how this child should have been parented and I find it ridiculous that his parents allowed this? This is not a stage of grief. This is the opposite of grief work. It's like saying that the reason OP didn't go to the funeral was that she was in the "denial" stage of grief. No, sorry. There's no indicia of grief here.

On the one hand, as a grieving mom myself, I'm tempted to tell OP to stay away. On the other hand, my brother and his family and my family were not close when my child died. There had been a lot of incidents. But they all came to the funeral and it led to a turning of the page and a new relationship. Can you not use this death as way to forge a new relationship?

One thing I can tell you OP, your sister well never be the same person she was after this death. That person is gone. Whatever you are holding against, it doesn't matter. That old person died too when her child died.

I absolutely see grief in her post. I also recognize that, obviously, she is not posting with the intent of sharing her grief, she is asking about a specific issue. This is a common bullying tactic on DCUM - a person posts about a specific aspect of a serious situation and then posters jump all over her because she didn't share the entire contents of her psyche with regards to that situation, and call a person going through a horrible situation, a terrible person. Just for fun I guess? Because I can't imagine you actually think OP's posts here represent the entirety of her feelings on this situation.

+1. The posters jumping all over her and calling her vile and whatnot are the actual terrible people. Who bullies someone who’s lost someone close and is trying to process complex feelings about the situation?

Because calling losing a child >>>>>>>>>>>>> a child being called a name. OP is making this all about her and not at all about her sister and her tragic loss. A normal person would forget all about the past and be there for her sister in her time of need. But not OP. She needs to be the star of this show.

But you, you are an awesome person. Awesome people talk like this about a person processing the death of a child.

Well OPs sister is the "dumbass" during her time of grief. So I guess you think OP is awesome for how she talks about her sister who actually is grieving.

Well OP isn't actually saying that to her sister, she is saying that is what she is thinking and wants to NOT say that to her sister. You clearly think unkind things about people, AND you pile onto them while they are grieving. Based on your example, OP should walk up to her sister and tell her she is a racist, bad parent.

OP isn't grieving. But the last thing I'd be thinking if my nephew is that my brother is some childish word like "dumbass".

Whatever, people are allowed to have complicated feelings about family when they’re grieving. It’s not like she went up to her sister and said that. You OTOH are a huge dumba$$ for insulting an anonymous person who’s hurting and looking for ways to deal with this situation with compassion.

Read the OP. She barely sees her family. This is all about her. Couldn’t even be bothered to go to the funeral.

Why don’t you reread the OP? She has a legitimate reason for not attending the funeral. She couldn’t physically be there in time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No matter what, when a child dies, there's a lot of "othering" of the parents. Here, it's how dare the mother allow the child to participate in extreme sports. There's always a way of making the parents "other" to conclude mentally that it couldn't happen to you.

The othering is the denial stage of grief.

This X1000. It’s likely that the sport isn’t even that extreme.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No matter what, when a child dies, there's a lot of "othering" of the parents. Here, it's how dare the mother allow the child to participate in extreme sports. There's always a way of making the parents "other" to conclude mentally that it couldn't happen to you.

The othering is the denial stage of grief.

This X1000. It’s likely that the sport isn’t even that extreme.

Does it matter though? What is apparent is that a child has died in an accident. Not from abuse or neglect. OP and her family are understandably upset, and finding someone to blame is a pretty common reaction, but they need to stop blaming the mother, who has already suffered the worst consequence imaginable (and already knows her family blames her).

[Anonymous]

OP, your sister is going through the absolute worst thing a human being can endure. I usually lurk but felt compelled to respond to this post after witnessing what my own brother's premature and preventable death did to my parents, who will never be the same. My brother should be turning 37 today, May 1, but he lost his life tragically and through no fault of my parents. I won't go into details because this isn't about us, but my parents were good parents, not perfect, but who is? But children can and do make their own decisions, in your case both the child who tragically passed as well as the one who uttered the racist word. Your sister and her parenting did not cause either occurrence.

The pain your sister is feeling is unbearable and will never leave her. Have some compassion and think about how you would feel in her situation. The racist slur was the horrible mistake of her child, and the apology was not your sister's responsibility to control. Kids make mistakes, sometimes horrible ones. Do you even know that child is racist? Maybe they truly didn't understand the implication of the word they chose. As a classroom teacher, I've seen this often, and usually these children are just repeating words they've heard and are good people who made bad choices and can learn from them.

My brother was a good person who made some bad choices and paid the ultimate price. My parents were good parents who did the best they could, but parents do not control their children's choices or lives. Many people knew of my brother's struggles, but when he died, which was our greatest fear realized, if anyone who attended his funeral said he should have known what would happen, I would have rapidly shown them the door and never spoken to them again.

Your nephew's life was lost, your sister lost a child, your sister's other children lost the chance to grow old with their sibling and everything that could entail. It's not the time or the place to cast judgment on how a person chose to live their own life or how a person parented. People die every day of conditions they themselves played a role in if not directly caused- obesity, reckless driving, drinking, drugs, any extreme sports- but who are we to judge them? And how can we judge their parents for the choices made by their children? Do you live your life perfectly? Parent your children perfectly? And are your children perfect? Hopefully you will never have to experience the unimaginable grief your sister lives with every day, but please try to be there for her for the absolute worst time of her life and shut down the judgment from yourself and others.