DD has to wake up DH on school mornings

[Anonymous]

OP, doesn't his pattern of working so late impact you as a couple and as a family?

On nights when DD does not have activities, what does that look like?

Him being a night owl seems to have him on a different time table, no? So you always go to bed alone because he is working and on screens?

Um, that is sad. Sadder than the DD in the morning part.

[Anonymous]

She's 9. She can walk to the bus stop herself. She can also be by herself while he's sleeping. Calm down.

[Anonymous]

why is your communication so bad that you require an internet third party in this situation

[Anonymous]

Low t beta male

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If he is meeting his responsibilities -- of going to work, he's meeting his responsibilities. She's nine. He does not have any responsibility for the morning routine of a 9 year old.

Your style OP of being with her, is your style. That's all.

Our MS/HS kids left the house for school before either of us were awake. I'm pretty proud. They never got a tardy. They caught the bus and later drove themselves. Always up and out themselves. In our case DH was required to be at work till early eve every day, with a later morning start time. I suppose I could have gotten up with them ... but guess what, I wanted that extra time w/DH and to be more in sync with him.

I haven't read the whole thread Op, but likely, lighten-up on your DH.

Yeah….read the whole thread before commenting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. To answer some questions… he’s not obese, works out at least 5x a week (he’s a runner), doesn’t have sleep apnea or ADD (at least that I know of, nothing would make me think that). He doesn’t game. He doesn’t drink much and only on the weekends.

He’s always been a night owl, but I guess I thought in his mid 40s he’d be past that. I don’t really care if he stays up late so long as he isn’t forcing our daughter to be his personal alarm clock. She can be responsible for herself in the morning, but I don’t think it’s fair to her to have to be responsible for her dad. And it’s not like he has to be up super early. I’m up 2.5 hours before him.

So, he’s having an affair?

Or just ridiculously selfish and DGAF about his family?

You’re going to be divorced in the next few years.

[Anonymous]

My ex is like that too. I say not great not terrible. He is no father of the year but at least he is present in our kid’s life and pays support.

[Anonymous]

I'm stunned by some of these responses.

I'm the mom in the family and am wired as a night owl. When the kids were super little I managed to get up early with them, but it was very difficult for me and I was often exhausted.

Now that they're early elem, DH gets up with them in the morning, and I'm scrambling out of bed at 7:45 to take them to school. Two days a week when DH is in the office, the kids get themselves breakfast since DH leaves early those days.

I'm not having an affair. I'm fit. I'm not depressed. My internal clock is just wired differently.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:I’d be annoyed that I am the one fixing breakfast etc before my commute while DH sleeps in on a weekday for no good reason (watching tv in to the early AM hours is not a good reason- obviously). Given you leave earlier and he works from home, DH should be the one responsible for waking up and helping DD get ready for school.

Op here, yeah there's some of that resentment happening as well. I don't necessarily WANT to get up as early as I do. The main reason I get into the office so early is so I can leave early to shuttle her around to her activities after school (he does not help with this unless I have a conflict, which is rare because I make it work as much as possible).

If he wfh why isn’t he helping with activities? Is he at least cooking dinner? Is the time late at night the only time he has to himself because he’s busy all evening cooking and or footing chores?

OP here. He gets her off the bus 2 days, I do the other 3 days (those are the days I take DD to activities, sometimes it's more). No he doesn't cook dinner. He's usually working while we are out and about and he eats on his own and DD and I eat together between activities.

This is a way bigger problem than not walking her to the bus. How sad that he can't even eat with you all.

OP, you buried the lede.

My guess is DH is obese, has apnea, has untreated ADD and a screen addiction and low T. You likely have no sex life.

My reading of this post was that he doesn't eat with them because they're busy driving to and from multiple activities. So the kid has so many activities during the week that they need to eat dinner in between them.

[Anonymous]

IF this was a pattern with DH (avoiding interaction with kids, sleeping instead of being with family consistently, avoiding family things). Then YES, i would bring up a conversation discussing what I would like to see from a partner in regards to family time and ask what he feels is acceptible and go from there.

If it is not an issue and he is an involved loving parent and partner, i would let this go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm stunned by some of these responses.

I'm the mom in the family and am wired as a night owl. When the kids were super little I managed to get up early with them, but it was very difficult for me and I was often exhausted.

Now that they're early elem, DH gets up with them in the morning, and I'm scrambling out of bed at 7:45 to take them to school. Two days a week when DH is in the office, the kids get themselves breakfast since DH leaves early those days.

I'm not having an affair. I'm fit. I'm not depressed. My internal clock is just wired differently.

OP here. I'm sure that's what he would say too (and I don't think he's depressed or having an affair and he is fit). But my thing is as an adult, you have to do things you don't want to do sometimes. I don't WANT to get up at 5am so I can be in the office early to leave early to make our family life go 'round. Our life would be infinitely easier if I didn't work, but any time I've suggested that to DH, he's in shock and says I make too much money to quit ... ok, fine, but why is it fair to me to get up even earlier so you can get your sleep in the morning?

Plus, what are we teaching DD? She has to be up by a certain time for school (and it's not even that early) so why is it expected of her and not her parents? Sure, she's largely self sufficient, but I just don't think it's asking too much for him to get up 30 minutes earlier to spend a little bit of time together in the morning when he's not able to spend much time with her at night (his work and her activities). Also I don't like making her stress and watch the clock to make sure he's up in time. That's parenting your parents.

[Anonymous]

Pathetic excuse for a parent

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d be annoyed that I am the one fixing breakfast etc before my commute while DH sleeps in on a weekday for no good reason (watching tv in to the early AM hours is not a good reason- obviously). Given you leave earlier and he works from home, DH should be the one responsible for waking up and helping DD get ready for school.

Op here, yeah there's some of that resentment happening as well. I don't necessarily WANT to get up as early as I do. The main reason I get into the office so early is so I can leave early to shuttle her around to her activities after school (he does not help with this unless I have a conflict, which is rare because I make it work as much as possible).

Unless your DH is an extremely high earner and you can cut back on you hours/hire help to compensate you need to drop the rope and demand he pull his weight.

Either you get up early and go straight to work and he fully handles the morning shift or you continue to cover the morning routine and he starts going in earlier so that he can cover the afternoon activities .

Why are you being such a doormat and letting him take advantage of you, not to mention teaching your daughter that it’s okay for the men in her life to be lazy and take advantage of her.

+1

He needs to get up and participate in family life fully and if that means he functions on five hours of sleep then so be it.

I would never tolerate this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. To answer some questions… he’s not obese, works out at least 5x a week (he’s a runner), doesn’t have sleep apnea or ADD (at least that I know of, nothing would make me think that). He doesn’t game. He doesn’t drink much and only on the weekends.

He’s always been a night owl, but I guess I thought in his mid 40s he’d be past that. I don’t really care if he stays up late so long as he isn’t forcing our daughter to be his personal alarm clock. She can be responsible for herself in the morning, but I don’t think it’s fair to her to have to be responsible for her dad. And it’s not like he has to be up super early. I’m up 2.5 hours before him.

He is forcing your daughter to be his personal alarm clock and at nine, it's not right that she is 100% responsible for herself. She has two parents and one of them is abdicating because he's a "night owl."

Totally unfair and wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:I’d be annoyed that I am the one fixing breakfast etc before my commute while DH sleeps in on a weekday for no good reason (watching tv in to the early AM hours is not a good reason- obviously). Given you leave earlier and he works from home, DH should be the one responsible for waking up and helping DD get ready for school.

Op here, yeah there's some of that resentment happening as well. I don't necessarily WANT to get up as early as I do. The main reason I get into the office so early is so I can leave early to shuttle her around to her activities after school (he does not help with this unless I have a conflict, which is rare because I make it work as much as possible).

If he wfh why isn’t he helping with activities? Is he at least cooking dinner? Is the time late at night the only time he has to himself because he’s busy all evening cooking and or footing chores?

OP here. He gets her off the bus 2 days, I do the other 3 days (those are the days I take DD to activities, sometimes it's more). No he doesn't cook dinner. He's usually working while we are out and about and he eats on his own and DD and I eat together between activities.

This is a way bigger problem than not walking her to the bus. How sad that he can't even eat with you all.

Well, it's because we aren't home with him. DD and I eat during breaks between her activities. That's not really his fault.

For perspective OP, I have 3 kids and we're running around for activities 4 out of 5 nights of the work week and 1-2 of the weekend nights. There's 1 night where 1 kid doesn't eat with all of us (eating is part of the activity, plus she's older) and some weeks we'll split family dinner between two groups. But at least 5 nights a week we do the awkward super early or late dinner to eat together. You've seen the studies on how valuable that is, right?

OP here, we eat dinner together several nights a week, just not on her busy activity nights. Someone just asked if he cooked and I said no. That's the case whether we eat together or not.

Sorry for being dense and/or maybe you are being cryptic but does he at least help out while you are at an activity? You say he doesn’t cook- are you responsible for making food for you and your daughter when you get back from activities? He just cooks for himself?

Relatedly, how do you feel about that park if you are rushing around with your job/activities, etc? If you are fine with it then okay. If not- have you discussed this part at all? Not your original question but you did bring up resentment as a whole.

OP here. I either bring food for DD and I to eat or grab food for us. He gets takeout or fixes himself a sandwich. He does not cook meals for himself or for us. Most nights, we get home later than either DD or I would want to wait to eat dinner, but there are some nights that it would be nice for him to have food waiting for us (even takeout!)

So he does yardwork, financial/bill-paying type tasks, and ... that's it?

How is this ok? Why on earth isn't he cooking while you are running your DD around to activities? (It sounds like she is too busy for a 9yo IMO, but that's another story.)