MIL Story - Can you beat it?

[Anonymous]

DH and I had DD on Monday. My mom is in town and MIL and FIL are supposed to come next Thursday. Additionally DH scheduled a day surgery while his parents were to be here. On the morning after DD was born my MIL called to ask about the middle name so DD could be included in some family history book about to go to press. I told her that the middle name is that of my mom. Mind you, DD has my husband's last name and I wanted to include a part of my family in her name. MIL called a few hours after our conversation and reamed DH, accused him of disrespecting her, stating that we should not send birth announcements to her friends because she is embarrassed etc. It went on and on while I was sitting 2 feet away in a hospital bed. MIL has a long history of making a scene at big events that are not about her but this one stunned DH. He tried to apologize for not letting her know in advance and that if the baby had been a boy (which we knew she was not) we planned to name the baby after his father. In anger DH told her not to come. So now they are not coming and despite my efforts to send an explanatory, we should have told you in advance and never intended to offend or disrespect email, she stated that they are "taking a time out" and will come in a few months when it is convenient for everyone. I know I should have called her but I was entirely too hormonal to have that conversation.

DH is the one of his siblings who refuses to stand down to her behavior and emailed her and told her not to plan any trips unless she apologizes for her actions on the most important day of his life. So now we have a surgery scheduled, no help at all and I feel so bad that this little baby is already entangled in family drama.

[Anonymous]

I totally feel for you. Your MIL was *way* out of line and I don't think you and your husband had any obligation to tell her the baby's name in advance, nor did you have any obligation to call her. It's his mother and you are recovering from childbirth, for goodness sake! Please let yourself off the hook. You did nothing wrong.

And good for your husband for standing up to her. Can you afford to hire help during his surgery or schedule other family members to come in their stead?

If it's any comfort, while my newborn son was in intensive care, my own mother called to complain that he was not a girl. Then she called my (single) sister and told her she better get pregnant and give her a grand-daughter! So, you are not the only one to experience unbelievably selfish behavior on the best day of your life. Try not to let it get to you. My mother eventually apologized, so maybe your MIL will too.

Hang in there & congratulations on your new baby!!

[Anonymous]

I am very sorry to hear this happened. Family can be hard to deal with.

Kudos to your Husband for standing his ground.

Don't worry -- you will figure it out. Do you have a friend in the area who could help drive your husband to his surgery? I'm assuming this is the sort of help you need.

Congratulations on your little girl! Don't feel obligated to get involved -- it sounds like your husband is doing a good job handling the situation.

[Anonymous]

you should thank your luck stars that your husband has a back bone and that your MIL is not local.

[Anonymous]

Your MIL was way out of line like the other posters say. You and your husband should stand your ground.

My MIL loves to ruin occasions too. She had my dh almost in tears with the guilt trip the night before our wedding with her BS (he did not spend enough time with them that week since it was an overseas wedding) and also the night my first dd was born, she laid another giant guilt trip on him about visiting arangements. Complete nonsense crap on both occasions. I only wish he could give it back to her like your dh did - unfortunately she gets away with it all.

[Anonymous]

Yes, it's awesome that your husband is standing his ground. And kudos to you too for being understanding despite the fact that this is completely insulting to you and your mom.

I think it'll be a good thing for all involved when they come at a later time, at least emotions won't be running high and you can enjoy seeing each other. Now it would hardly be any help if they came and she was fuming the whole time. And better this happened over the phone than in the hospital room - yikes.

Don't worry, the baby will be just fine I feel for your husband, while it sucks for everybody, it must be emotionally really painful for him

[Anonymous]

you asked if i could beat it? absolutely... but too long to type. let's just say that 10 years ago when we went to get married, MIL boycotted, decided it wasn't the right time for us to marry, called other family members and told htem not to come, called the priest and said she was recinding her permission for us to marry.. mind you were 25 and financially not dependent anymore. flashforward 9 years... we've had little to no contact with her. DH sends her a card with a picture when DS is born... never hear from her..... oh although 4 months after the birth we do get a happy st. patrick's day card and DS's name is on the envelope....

Let me tel you how lucky you are to have a husband who will step up. my dh didn't before we were married and it caused a lot of issues that should have been dealt with earlier. does it pain me sometimes that she is now part of our lives? sure... BUT it would also be a lot of pain and strife to have her in our lives.....

best of luck to you andyour family....

[Anonymous]

I echo the sentiments of other posters. Your DH sounds like a stand-up guy and you should be proud. Good for him, though it can't be easy for him.
Your MIL is indeed acting like a selfish bey-otch, no doubt. I had the same thought as you when I gaven my DS my father's name as his middle name: baby has in-laws's last name, and I wanted to bring a little of my side into it, ya know? So I feel for you. She owes you an apology, and I think you are obviously a very sweet and selfless person for trying to reach out through an e-mail to assuage MIL when, HELLO, you just had a baby! She should be kissing your ass at this point; and I do not blame you for not wanting to call her. You've just had a baby!. Hopefully, one day she will realize what an immature and selfish thing she has done, to put her own issues ahead of seeing her new granddaughter and helping her own son deal with a surgery. Total crap. You sound like nice people and I feel for you.
I hope someone can help you out during DH's surgery. Know that you both sound like very reasonable people; I wish you all the best...enjoy your new daughter!!!

[Anonymous]

Congratulations on your daughter! His mother is RIDICULOUS and I'm glad for you that he stood up to her. It's not fair that this is the way things have to be but I hope you can make the best of it. Good luck to you...

[Anonymous]

Why on earth do you feel like you need to apologize to your MIL? It is your baby and your DH's baby - why the heck do you have to explain the name to her in advance of naming her?? And why do you owe her any explanation for using the name of your mother for a middle name...it totally is not her business but even if it were, like you said, DD is getting DH's last name. Geez, I feel like giving this woman a call myself.

[Anonymous]

I would tell her she totally does need a time out. And when she feels like acting like an adult, that you will allow her to meet her grandchild but not before then.

But like others said, your DH sounds like a great guy for standing up to her. Not all men would do that.

[Anonymous]

Is your DH a doctor? Just clarifying on the "day surgery" thing...

You had your dd 4 DAYS ago and she's pulling this?? She'd rather not see her granddaughter to prove some juvenile point?

Bravo to your dh! I can't stand my MIL either - I'm going to pass this on to my dh!
When it comes down to it - you're the mom now. You're the boss! She really needs to see that in order to have any relationship with her granddaughter she needs to be nice to you. I wish everyone could ask my MIL what being mean to the mom does for you! haha.

Congrats on your beautiful daughter! This is your special time with your husband - enjoy it!

[Anonymous]

babies bring out the best and worst in people! my mil....oh boy - i can't even begin to tell you the stories, but basically came in and swooped baby away from me and acted like it was her baby. listen, focus on yourself now and on baby. husband's job is to keep stress away from you now. you need to focus on recovering from labor and on meeting needs of baby. mil is obviously sensitive about something. maybe this is an ongoing thing that she feels left out or not the favorite in some way and now her worst fears are coming true that you named baby after your mom. who knows?! anyway, i'd encourage husband to make peace with mom but keep healthy boundaries. maybe after she calms down she'll reconsider. although if she is truly a drama rama, then maybe let her come in a few more weeks when you are more settled, as you don't need drama right now. remember: number one priorities: take care of baby, take care of you. let hubbie take care of the rest. if operation isn't an emergency, reschedule. kind of a bad time to have an operation anyway, especially with a new baby. if it is necessary now, either hire some help if need be or ask someone else to come help. good luck! take a deep breath...it will be okay. let don't anyone "rent" space in your head for free! i love that quote! make peace with her if possible....it just makes things easier. that doesn't mean you can't have healthy boundaries.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks for the support. DD is great and we are enjoying every minute. I was really upset on day 1 and 2 but have decided to let it go. My mom, thankfully is able to change her plans and get DH to and from his surgery. I always knew she was a little off but I always encourage DH to let the issues with his mom go. I never dreamed she'd take it to this level. As one PP noted, thank god she isn't local.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:you should thank your luck stars that your husband has a back bone and that your MIL is not local.

My sentiments exactly!

I also think it's good that your husband stood up for his "new family" and put you and baby first - from the start.

We have these sorts of problems too and ended up in couples therapy. The therapist basically had to coach my husband (an only child) on how to "train" his mother to act appropriately. It's been a bumpy path, but now she gets it. If she oversteps, she gets the cold shoulder from us and knows she won't see her grandchildren.

Sounds like you won't need to go through all this! Sorry for your drama, congrats on a healthy baby, and good luck to you!