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I am reading the bullying posts...
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Anonymous
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and they are so heartbreaking. So many children have been bullied. There are about a million epidemics in our country every minute, some valid, some not so much, but technology has brought the old bullying up to a level that is killing our children. As parents, these are things to think about:
- We should treat bullying and social issues like sex ed. (early and often info that is age appropriate). This means talking about what bullying is, what it looks like, and what strategies are for the bully, bullied, and most importantly, the ONLOOKERS. - Adults should model NON BULLYING behaviors. We should not gossip, trash, or talk about others in front of our kids. - Understand that bullying is NOT A PART OF ADOLESCENCE. It is not NORMAL. It is not SOMETHING EVERYONE SHOULD GO THROUGH. - The victim NEVER HAD IT COMING. NEVER. - Never tell a child to "ignore the bully". This communicates to the child that they should not advocate for themselves or you will not either. HORRIBLE RESPONSE. NEVER DO THIS. Better to do MORE than nothing. - Make sure ALL children have activities that take them out of their school and widen social circles (church, Y groups, other sports, etc) That way the school friends are NOT the only friends. - Do not think that shutting down FB, texting, Myspace, etc. will stop the problem. It is a GOOD stop gap measure, but it is not a permanent solution. - PRESS PRESS PRESS school for accountability. Through counselors, admin, teachers, EVERYONE. Take it to the top, take it where it needs to go. Yes, you think it will make the bullying worse, and it may (temporarily) but the alternative is WORSE. SOMEONE must advocate for your child. It MUST BE YOU. - Listening to you bullied child is the fastest way to help them. Just shut up and listen. - NOT ALL BULLIES ARE MISERABLE CHILDREN. Girl bullying is more group to individual and a more "pack" mentality, and these girls are not bad girls. Texting has created rumors that are spread and worsened quickly and many bullies did not intend to be a part of it and want out. - BULLYING CAN LEAD TO SEVERE DEPRESSION, SUBSTANCE ABUSE, WITHDRAWAL, POOR GRADES, SUICIDE, LOSS OF INTEREST IN HOBBIES, OVER-EATING, AND SELF-MUTILATION. DO NOT DISCOUNT THE SERIOUSNESS OF SUSTAINED BULLYING ON A CHILD'S PSYCHE. Who am I? I am a school counselor, worked with bullying for years. Anyone want to add or change this? Feel free. Early action and education are the solutions to almost every teen issue, bullying included. Treat it seriously, it is. |
Anonymous
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Can you please direct us to the bullying posts?
I heard the very disturbing series on this on WTOP news this week. Had a talk with my first grader about bullying last night. Curious what others have experienced or been doing to prepare their kids... |
Anonymous
What are they? Where can we find resources on this? I was bullied as a kid and told to ignore it. Fortunately it wasn't as bad as what happens today, but it was NOT fun. I have no clue how to handle it though, if it comes up with my child. |
Anonymous
This is a major problem, imo. And is only getting worse. Watch TV (i.e., bad girls club or whatever that show is called) and just sit and observe daily life. People act horribly and talk horribly. Of course kids model this behavior. This is not THE only thing that leads to bullying behavior. But, in my mind, it normalizes that type of behavior. |
Anonymous
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Jodee Blanco has good books,
"No Room for Bullies" by Bolton and Graeve. girlshealth.gov http://www.pbs.org/parents/itsmylife/resources/bullies.html http://www.safeyouth.org/scripts/topics/bullying.asp http://www.cde.ca.gov/ls/ss/se/bullyfaq.asp These are sites I have used, simply online searches yield them. If your school does not use a bullying program, start to talk to them. I used this program in my school. http://www.boystownpress.org/Scripts/prodList.asp?idCategory=BULLY/SCHL&par=PARENTS |
Anonymous
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OP, thank you for your post! I often believe that kids who bully had bullying parents themselves. They have a very sick, very distorted alpha dog mentality. I've seen it with passive aggressive parents who refuse to parent. I've taken things into my own hands before, sternly correcting the bully child who is clearly old enough to know better. Funny, said parents seem to snap out of it when you are correcting their kid! HA! Such parents seem reluctant (or totally unwilling) to change. I think until a few school systems (and families of bullies) get sued, there is little incentive for the schools to step up. They may cite "cutbacks" as an excuse to not take on more responsibility. How do we not get discouraged (and also not resort to suing)? |
Anonymous
| I've actually seen the opposite, PP - a lot of bullies have parents who were themselves bullied or at least not the alpha dogs in their circles. They seem almost proud that their children are aggressive. |
Anonymous
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Counselor here.
Accountability within a school is KEY. There must be a CLEAR program that everyone is on board with, swift and clear consequences, and follow-up. Transparency is important. The parents of the bully often have NO IDEA what is happening, and it is not a good idea to confront them. The school is the bridge through which you must work. B/c in the end, the change MUST happen there. I cannot express how important it is that a school commits to a PROACTIVE program administered by the counselor and upheld by the staff. Studies have shown the the ONLOOKERS AND BYSTANDERS are the most important piece of this puzzle (their inactive allows the bullying), so ALL PARENTS CAN TEACH THEIR CHILDREN TO STAND UP FOR EVERY CHILD, IN EVERY SITUATION AND NOT BACK DOWN. If a group does it, the bullying stops. How do we not get discouraged? 1) CALL YOUR SCHOOL AND ASK WHAT THEY DO. 2) ARM YOURSELF WITH INFORMATION ABOUT BULLYING 3) TALK TO YOUR CHILD OFTEN AND BE LISTENING PARENT 4) NEVER BLAME THE BULLIED CHILD 5) KNOW THE SIGNS OF BULLYING 6) NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER WAIT TO ADDRESS THE ISSUE. NEVER ALLOW THE SCHOOL TO YANK YOU AROUND. NEVER NEVER NEVER NOT BELIEVE YOUR KID. |
Anonymous
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Diane Rehm had a great show on this the other day. All three guests had great ideas about preventing bullying and the importance of talking to your child BEFORE any bullying happens.
You can listen to it here: http://wamu.org/programs/dr/10/01/11.php#29290 |
Anonymous
Counselor here. I apologize, I do not understand your point. Can you clarify for me? |
Anonymous
| How do you stop your own child from being a bully? My preschooler is more agressive than I'd like, although I constantly work with him on sharing, taking turns, feeling empathy for others, etc. I don't know enough to know if his is regular preschooler behavior or a precursor of something worse. ? |
Anonymous
OP here again, I also want to point out that I agree with you. I don't think I said anything to refute that. Bullies come from a whole host of homes, many happy, many many unhappy. Some parents DO take on the "people effed with me, no one will eff with my kid!!!" I agree! It is more likely that bullies beget bullies, but not always! |
Anonymous
Counselor here: "More aggressive than I like" is hard. Boys normal bhvr can look pretty darn aggressive and can scare us a little, so ask yourself a couple of questions: 1) does he intimidate others? or is he following the "rules of play" with the other kids? 2) does he frequently hurt others? physically, emotionally, etc. 3) how much control does he have over himself? 1 being NONE, 10 being total. 4) do his friends and teachers complain to you? ALWAYS listen to your instincts, though, Mom. Some things in for your home: 1) Do not take on a "boys will be boys" attitude. that is the start to a whole host of problems down the road 2) create a chart of family rules "we do not hit others in our family. We do not call each other names in our family. We do not tease in our family." Have your son think of consequences you all agree upon. 3) under no circumstances allow your child to hit you or others. Either remove yourself or him. End playdates. Leave the park. Sorry for the excessive numbering I do! |
Anonymous
No, I appreciate the feedback and information. He will hit others when they take a toy (he just turned 3 in a class of 3-4 year olds). And likes play fighting (which he's never seen at home, I promise; we're a 100% nonviolent household). He's not as emotionally mature as many kids in his class. He doesn't have any tolerance for frustration. I'm working on the sharing/taking turns thing as well as trying to help teach him coping mechanisms for when he can't get what he wants (asking teacher/me for help when he's frustrated, etc., then modeling for him how to achieve the end result). He "is" very empathetic to other children in distress and he is often the first to comfort them. But if it's he and another kid going at it over a toy, I see no empathy there. He's goal driven, he wants that toy. |