Why are parents so unempowered?

[Anonymous]

I think OP sounds like she has control issues. And some immaturity. My advice is for her to get some help so she can be "empowered" enough to realize the difference between discipline and withholding. It's often useful to see the world through the eyes of others; this includes our children, who are human beings we shape in wasy we know and ways we can't possibly imagine. It is true that part of our responsibility is setting boundaries, but if we don't teach our kids compassion we have taught them nothing. They learn by observing us, mostly, which is something easy to forget.

[Anonymous]

Can someone please tell me why were are arguing about differing parenting styles again?
We all have our own priorities. Why are we getting into a "mine is better than yours" discussion? I know why I choose the parenting style that I have and I really don't give a flying fuck why someone else choose's theirs. Unless someone else's bad choices fall under the category of "prosecutable", it is none of my damn business.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can someone please tell me why were are arguing about differing parenting styles again?
We all have our own priorities. Why are we getting into a "mine is better than yours" discussion? I know why I choose the parenting style that I have and I really don't give a flying fuck why someone else choose's theirs. Unless someone else's bad choices fall under the category of "prosecutable", it is none of my damn business.

Then don't read the thread.

[Anonymous]

dgahagan wrote:Children need boundaries, schedules, at least that's how we were brought up. I have wonderful parents, but I feared them...I didn't do drugs, have sex, hang out with people they wouldn't approve of because of that fear. It sure kept us in line!

I posted earlier about the differences between authoritarian and authoritative parenting. Just wanted to add that research suggests children need routines but not necessarily schedules. And I would rather my child not do drugs, have sex, etc. because he knows how to make good choices rather than because he fears his parents' disapproval.

[Anonymous]

I had total respect for my parents because I knew there were consequences for my actions. And I didn't want to disappoint them! Children today are given everything they want and demand. OBVIOUSLY this topic has hit home with too many here because everyone is so defensive. I wasn't beaten or abused but sure knew who was boss.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had total respect for my parents because I knew there were consequences for my actions. And I didn't want to disappoint them! Children today are given everything they want and demand. OBVIOUSLY this topic has hit home with too many here because everyone is so defensive. I wasn't beaten or abused but sure knew who was boss.

You sound rather defensive too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - while I agree with much of what you are saying and do appreciate the occassional wake-up call, I also contend there are many poeple who live in different situations and have very different children. Please keep in mind that not everyone's lives are simple...okay, no one has a simple life but they are all in varying degrees. There are also many philosophies which abound and no one method is proven effective for every child or for every situation.

To the second poster.....while I have not posted questions similar to the ones you seem to abhor, I certainly have no problem with others doing so. Some of us might trust our instincts, many of us have family or friends to ask simple questions, or perhaps have been around young children to varying degrees in our lives.....again others do not have that experience or opportunity. I am glad they have this forum to post their questions.

I agree- you keep asking us about schedules, etc. It is nice to talk to others about these things when you are a new mommy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You know - OP - I wish I had the control you seem to have over your children - I am going crazy here, not feeling like I know how to enforce things. Whatever your secret is - good for you. But, for the rest of us this is really, really hard. how can you come down hard on this little person that you love so much - that you would die for? It is an awful feeling to be so angry and so powerless over these little beings and yet so, so in love. I wish we all knew the secret to firm control, without losing our tempers and without losing our minds. Kudos to you (and I am not being sarcastic) for figuring it out - or just being lucky!

I completely understand the point the Op is making. I wouldn't withhold love notes but saying no and expecting manners is not an eggshell thing. Kids do need to respect their parents. It's amazing how some parents allow their kids to talk to them. If you dont discipline your child will resent that as well. THey want boundaries and they will still no you love them. Anyone can have Op's household and not be a tyrant. The Op has been treated unfairly. If you are consitent on boundaries when their preschoolers it will be molded into them when their older. If anyone thinks that they would rather have an unruly household than a child that is behaved than they don't understand what the child really needs. They desire love, nurturing and yes, discipline.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
PP here - I know - she does sound pretty extreme - guess I am just frustrated today with a screaming 2 yo who wants a sandwich, doesn't want a sandwich, wamts this cartoon, then that cartoon, wants to hold the cup, spills the juice, screams if I try to take it away, wants another book (#20) while getting ready to nap, wants this pillow - no that pillow.......on, and on and on. My intentions are good - I wish I could make him happy - but HOW? It is just soooooooo frustrating. I don't think being firm and saying NO at this age works...or maybe it does and I am not doing it right?
Anyone out there watch Supernanny? She always seems to be able to do it! Why can't I??????

Your making a mistake if you don't think No at this age works. Say no, follow through and be consistent. Don't make empty threats. And age 3 will be easier if your stronger now. Be strong parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree, to some extent, with what the OP is saying. i think her tone was not meant to be so severe and I think she may have been joking when she referenced her husband. And by not providing little love notes, that doesn't necessarily mean she is not giving love in other ways. I don't intend to give my child love notes, is that the only way to give love? Just as some moms/kids equate a pack of m&ms or new shoes as mommy loves me, the love notes may be more of a treat then the only method of giving love. I hope this is making sense. Anyway, I could be wrong, but I don't think the OP is as cruel as some think.

I am wishy washy when it comes to my daughters tears and cries. I was the parent that always felt that the baby was too young to know how to manipulate, go to sleep on her own, do without the paci, etc. Even with her "having her way with us", she has been a pretty decent baby and I still haven't seen any manipulation. She is getting a little more clingy, but I think that is normal.

With that said, once she turns one (in a few weeks), we will be tougher. Why? I feel that she has reached the time where she can begin being more independent when it comes to sleep. I think she is understanding what No means and i will use it to protect her. It is time that her life takes on more structure. None of this means that we won't love her or provide fun, which is what being a child is all about.
I personally feel that chldren need routine, limits, and an understanding on who is the boss in the house. I work in a social services environment and it is sad to see how many households there are where the parents are afraid of their children. I have seen in it in all income levels and the one thing ALL parents tell us is that they wish they disciplined their child more. In fact, I made a comment on how the parents need to take control and be the boss of the house and their 7 year old son told me that he is the boss (and he was dead serious).

I still feel that a baby needs to be coddled, but once they are walking and can understand tone of voice etc. it is time to provide guidance and be firm, if needed. Always tell them how much you love them, but make it clear that they are not to throw food off the table, or pull the dog's tail, etc.

With discipline, comes guidance and love.

This is one of the best quotes ever on this site. I think you understand what it is all about. And I guarantee that all the people that disagree completely with what the Op was saying probably have the most unruly households. You will have an easier time because you understand that discipline is important as any other ingredient and to not discipline is actually a terrible way to raise children. THey need it.

[Anonymous]

dgahagan wrote:My son is in bed every night by 7:30-because he's yawning and tired! I'd love to spend more time with him, but he's on a schedule. And we love it that he's on a schedule because my dh and I can have our lives too! We know when we can watch a movie, have sex, talk...whatever we need to do. I can't imagine living in chaos. Children need boundaries, schedules, at least that's how we were brought up. I have wonderful parents, but I feared them...I didn't do drugs, have sex, hang out with people they wouldn't approve of because of that fear. It sure kept us in line! I love my son more than anything, but he's not running the show and will learn to say please and thank you. We're not our son's friends, we're his parents.

excellent post. Your absolutely right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had total respect for my parents because I knew there were consequences for my actions. And I didn't want to disappoint them! Children today are given everything they want and demand. OBVIOUSLY this topic has hit home with too many here because everyone is so defensive. I wasn't beaten or abused but sure knew who was boss.

You sound rather defensive too.

Not defensive at all. Children want their parents to be boss. I totally agree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Am I missing something here? I read all these posts by moms who can’t get their toddler out of their bed, or the paci out of their toddler’s mouths, or food into the toddler etc. And then there’s parents with babies who hit them, are rude to them, throw tantrums and bite/scratch each other. I don’t consider myself a perfect parent (god forbid!) but this is just an anathema to me. My kids have always gone to bed at 6.30 (cuddles, sickness and night feeds not withstanding) because why would you get a child into a pattern that you then have to break? Why would you do something different and then try and ‘train’ them otherwise? We have zero tolerance for hitting, spitting etc and have a time-out/no treat consequence-combo that seems to do the trick. If any one of my babies are mean to me then they get no bedtime stories with daddy and no mommy-notes (I generally write them little snippets about stuff I love about them each night for bedtime) until they apologize properly. When did the littlest inmates take over the asylum? Why are parents so unempowered that they are held ransom by their kids? I find myself reading so many of these posts (which are helpful for the most part because we’re all feeling our way here) and wondering why people let their kids dictate their own lives. I don’t comment on most of the strands because others say things much more eloquently than myself but I find myself wanting to urge parents to take control. If you don’t like getting up a zillion times a night to put the paci back in then don’t do it. Chuck the darn thing in the bin. If you worry that the toddler in your bed is wrecking your marriage then get the toddler out of the bed and into a cot. If you think your child is disrespectful then ask yourself: is there a consequence or does the child just think s/he can get away with it? (Same goes for husbands I might add). We all seem to lament that children (writ large) are more selfish and demanding but is it surprising when they are given the impression that a few tears gets instant gratification – even if it’s not in their best interests?

There we go. I feel better now.

I know OP wrote this a while back and the thread has been going on- but OP- you come from the hard knocks school obviously- and that may work for some things- but not others.. overall, being barked at what to do and no tolerance sends a growing baby/toddler a signal that adults are rulers- yes- so you succeeded! they will eventually succumb that what you ask and stop fightiing.. but they may do that with everything- just thinking their feelings are not valid- that opens ups a HUGE problem for the future- and I guess I personally opt to let them have opinions and I try to help them understand why- rather than have that zero tolerance and they blindly accept an adult's "order" are what they should follow- can even be hitting or (please no) abuse, rape etc... To each their own- but I'd rather give my children a voice but not let them be bratty- so far so good!

[Anonymous]

The previous poster completely misses the point completely. It is not the school of hard knocks to expect respect from your children. You can give them a voice at appropriate times but there are non negotiable things such as sleeping in their own room, etc. YOu can expect your kids to do what you ask and never have to raise your voice. Just let them know your serious with a tone. THe Op is exactly right that parents are almost afraid to take a leadership role and understant PP that your kids want a leader in the household. If you think they want to walk all over mom and dad they don't. You make the OP to sound like a monster and she is definately not. She gets it. Children should have an opinion but there are rules that need to be followed and not everything should be an argument with your 2 year old. If you don't understand this PP your in for a longer road ahead.

[Anonymous]

I'm the mother-I make the decisions. There might be room for discussion or negotiations-and opinions-but I know best My son happily walks to his crib when I announce it's bedtime. I'm sure that will change since he's only 18 months-but I don't care if he's 10-we make the decisions, his parents. As for temper tantrums-we ignore him, step over him-and don't give in.

I love on him all the time-I would never withhold love from my child but I will withhold everything else! The one thing my son can always count on is our love for him.

I ignored the head banging and it stopped. It's not hurting me, and he'll learn eventually that it HURTS to bang your head against the stove! I ignore whining-which gets under my skin.

Our next door neighbors commented how hard they tried to be their children's friend and parents at the same time-one has sex with his girlfriend in the next room, another loves high school because of the social life, another is at a special school and has been held back 3 times (he's totally normal-hates school). My guess is that they walk all over their parents, and feel they can do whatever they please. The parents didn't give their children structure or guidance. It's always a party over there-the fun house. Not a good idea to have little to no discipline or structure.