How do I tell her I don’t want to buy dinner?

[Anonymous]

Stop being taken for a ride, OP.

Lower-income people still have manners.

Maybe his mother didn't say that - maybe he's putting his own spin on remarks she made.

Either way, you need to stop inviting him for a while, and when you do, explain you cannot order more food.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No one has mentioned DS here. Does DS want to keep the friend as a friend? If so, keep paying (go to cheaper restaurants if you think it costs too much). $10-20 here or there isn't going to be missed twenty years from now. The child's memory of you as a friend's gracious mom will be there forever.

Turn the other cheek.

+100

People there is no way that extra meals are only $10-$20. A meal is easily $15-20. The kid is ordering a meal for himself and several more. This is easily costing OP $50/60 or more.

That's fine. She doesn't have to do it if she doesn't want to. However, I would.

Really, for a weekly activity you are going to allocate $240 a month to buy this family fast casual food. Just no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, none of this about the money. By allowing this child to just get the to go meals is teaching him that because he is entitled to other people's generosity. He isn't and this is a horrible expectation of the world that will alienate him from many people. It seems like this mom really does care about this boy and I am hoping she will do the right thing and talk to other mom about this and how they will not be funding their family's dinner every time this group activity happens and see if they need information about food resources.

I am sure they have information about resources already.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, none of this about the money. By allowing this child to just get the to go meals is teaching him that because he is entitled to other people's generosity. He isn't and this is a horrible expectation of the world that will alienate him from many people. It seems like this mom really does care about this boy and I am hoping she will do the right thing and talk to other mom about this and how they will not be funding their family's dinner every time this group activity happens and see if they need information about food resources.

I am sure they have information about resources already.

Me too, but giving them the benefit of the doubt. The most important take away is that they are behaving way outside of the societal norms and people will see this and avoid them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No one has mentioned DS here. Does DS want to keep the friend as a friend? If so, keep paying (go to cheaper restaurants if you think it costs too much). $10-20 here or there isn't going to be missed twenty years from now. The child's memory of you as a friend's gracious mom will be there forever.

Turn the other cheek.

+100

People there is no way that extra meals are only $10-$20. A meal is easily $15-20. The kid is ordering a meal for himself and several more. This is easily costing OP $50/60 or more.

That's fine. She doesn't have to do it if she doesn't want to. However, I would.

Really, for a weekly activity you are going to allocate $240 a month to buy this family fast casual food. Just no.

I am taking from the OP that this is an occasional dinner out, not a weekly activity or that the kid comes after every activity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No one has mentioned DS here. Does DS want to keep the friend as a friend? If so, keep paying (go to cheaper restaurants if you think it costs too much). $10-20 here or there isn't going to be missed twenty years from now. The child's memory of you as a friend's gracious mom will be there forever.

Turn the other cheek.

+100

People there is no way that extra meals are only $10-$20. A meal is easily $15-20. The kid is ordering a meal for himself and several more. This is easily costing OP $50/60 or more.

That's fine. She doesn't have to do it if she doesn't want to. However, I would.

Cool, hit up a low income neighborhood and find a family to buy weekly fast food for. You'll be a hero.

[Anonymous]

I’ll add that middle school boys do not understand how much things cost and they can be very greedy. It drove me nuts when DS was in middle school. There was always 1-2 boys who would want to order a gazillion things. I knew there was no way his mother wanted him to eat 3 burgers, two fries, a large milkshake and get ice cream afterwards. He was not food insecure. I had to very specifically tell my son when other family’s were treating him to order only 1 meal. Heck, I had to teach my daughter this. Rail thin but could easily eat two adult sized servings at that age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No one has mentioned DS here. Does DS want to keep the friend as a friend? If so, keep paying (go to cheaper restaurants if you think it costs too much). $10-20 here or there isn't going to be missed twenty years from now. The child's memory of you as a friend's gracious mom will be there forever.

Turn the other cheek.

+100

People there is no way that extra meals are only $10-$20. A meal is easily $15-20. The kid is ordering a meal for himself and several more. This is easily costing OP $50/60 or more.

That's fine. She doesn't have to do it if she doesn't want to. However, I would.

Cool, hit up a low income neighborhood and find a family to buy weekly fast food for. You'll be a hero.

The whole point is that the kid is my dc's friend.

That said, I do help people out in my community.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stop being taken for a ride, OP.

Lower-income people still have manners.

Maybe his mother didn't say that - maybe he's putting his own spin on remarks she made.

Either way, you need to stop inviting him for a while, and when you do, explain you cannot order more food.

Me again. Don't broach the subject with her. You don't know what she actually asked her kid to do. Just stop hosting for a while.

[Anonymous]

When you take him to dinner tell him he can only order one meal. That's it. It is not your responsibility to feed his family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stop being taken for a ride, OP.

Lower-income people still have manners.

Maybe his mother didn't say that - maybe he's putting his own spin on remarks she made.

Either way, you need to stop inviting him for a while, and when you do, explain you cannot order more food.

Me again. Don't broach the subject with her. You don't know what she actually asked her kid to do. Just stop hosting for a while.

If this kid is lying that his mom told him to do this, his mom needs to know. This needs to be discussed with the parents.

[Anonymous]

You don't seem to understand, OP, that very few people in this country are starving. There are food banks for people who need it, and during the Great Recession, even middle-class families needed to use them temporarily, but now, with record low unemployment and low-incomes wages that have risen faster than other gradations of income... "low-income" usually means families can buy their own food, and it's likely to be as nutritious as your restaurant food.

Someone wants the "fun" of take-out and avoid the chore of cooking, perhaps. But it's not a polite request. I've lived in low-income areas, OP. No adult I know would ever ask this!

Don't be shy about saying no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you think this family is food insecure??? If so, I would do it. If not, I would just tell him no at the restaurant. There’s no way an adult would tell her kid to do this - unless she’s giving him money to get takeout and he’s pocketing it when you pay for the meal.

OP, the bolded text describes what could be happening. I think kids do this more than we know.

I am a SAHM with only one child. During the summer, I watched one of her friends every Wednesday (9-5). We would plan fun outings but I never saw a dime. I am about 85% sure her mom gave her cash she was supposed to give me. But oh well, this was a good friend to DD for many years so I got over it.

I would vote for talking to the mother, in a nice friendly way. Get a feel for her and then think about how to best handle. Easiest path is to just send the boy home with a pizza.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No one has mentioned DS here. Does DS want to keep the friend as a friend? If so, keep paying (go to cheaper restaurants if you think it costs too much). $10-20 here or there isn't going to be missed twenty years from now. The child's memory of you as a friend's gracious mom will be there forever.

Turn the other cheek.

+100

People there is no way that extra meals are only $10-$20. A meal is easily $15-20. The kid is ordering a meal for himself and several more. This is easily costing OP $50/60 or more.

That's fine. She doesn't have to do it if she doesn't want to. However, I would.

Cool, hit up a low income neighborhood and find a family to buy weekly fast food for. You'll be a hero.

The whole point is that the kid is my dc's friend.

That said, I do help people out in my community.

If you are the OP and not a sock puppet, why would you start a post asking how do I tell her I don't want to buy dinner if you are okay with buying them dinner????

[Anonymous]

What in the world? This is your son's good friend but you can't talk to this person's mom?
Hi can we take x out to dinner? We are happy to buy him dinner, but lately he has been asking us to buy extra. Unfortunately we are not going to do that. Just wanted to let you know!