NP - havent read past the first page
Ugh you sound exhausting. What's wrong with putting a plate on a sofa? Is the bottom of the plate dirty? I'm so confused. Werent you watching a movie while eating? I dont think it's that crazy that he set it down until the movie was done. You seem really OTT and it wont be the little things breaking your marriage, it will be you, your pettiness and pickiness. |
Sorry, OP, but you sound crazy. |
The problem is that you are mad about the plate because of much bigger issues. But instead of addressing the bigger issues, you express frustration about the plate. Your husband, reasonably enough, doesn't think the plate is a big deal. So he's annoyed that you're making a stink about the plate, and you're annoyed about the bigger issues. Neither of you is getting the resolution you need, which can only come if you talk about the big issues and he is willing to have a better division of labor (or to pay for someone to do more of the labor). The current situation is toxic, though. Counseling may help you both. |
I suffer from the same problem as OP. Conceptually I know it is wrong, but I am just tired of doing all the work and being underappreciated. The reality is that OP resents and probably doesn't like her spouse. I think the tip to act like it's your FRIEND that you LIKE is a good one. Sometimes I pretend like my husband is a coworker, so I speak to him more kindly. |
You: Hey, can you put the plate in the sink? Him: sure. See how easy that is? |
Do you have OCD, OP? |
This all could have been avoided had you just asked him if he was finished eating then you could have just picked the plate up yourself.
The tug of war power play is what's going on in your house. Alpha female vs. Alpha male. LET IT GO. |
Yes, this is so it and doesn't get talked about enough. Two people who always want to have the last word are going to have a lot of conflict. |
You are wound way too tight OP. You need to have sex with your DH. |
This is the way, OP. Your kids are also being impacted by your behavior and will likely avoid you as adults. If you want to be divorced, keep on this way. Kids will prefer dad's house. Deal with your OCD or need to have the last word or whatever is the driver. Unpack your own family of origin dynamics around control. If I were DH I might look to leave, this constant picking at another adult is a signifier of contempt. According to Gottman research it is one of the 4 horsemen of divorce. https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-contempt/ You may need meds. The way you woke up, still girded for battle is really outside the norm. If in peri or menopause your anxiety and thus need for control may have gotten worse. DH is not an appropriate target, see your doctor. Get into couples counseling with a Gottman therapist, it is evidence based. |
It's evident that you're feeling overwhelmed by the dynamics in your marriage, but it's essential to gain perspective on your challenges. While disagreements over household matters may seem significant in the moment, it's crucial to recognize the privilege and relative ease of your circumstances compared to women in other parts of the world facing severe marginalization and abuse. Spending time abroad or volunteering in places like Afghanistan could provide valuable perspective on the struggles faced by women in different cultural contexts. It's often through exposure to diverse experiences that we gain a deeper appreciation for our own blessings and a greater understanding of the broader world. Consider reframing your frustrations within this broader context. While your concerns are valid within your own experience, they may pale in comparison to the hardships endured by women in more oppressive environments. This shift in perspective might help you approach your marital conflicts with a greater sense of gratitude and empathy. |
To summarize, OP has nothing to complain about because some men in some cultures consider women to be their personal property. I call troll. |
Women, just clean up behind the men in your lives as you have done for centuries. How had can it be?! (We wouldn't know because are too manly to do women's work). |
What can be simplified, OP? What can be outsourced? What can the kids be involved in? |
I literally wrote it in the post, but you need to let stuff go. |