Honestly, how do you manage dual income marriage with kids?

[Anonymous]

I'm sure I'll get flamed, but $400k HHI is not that much for the DMV. I live in one of the more modest neighborhoods in Bethesda, and the average HHI in this zip code is $325k. The cheapest new houses around here start at about $2.8mm. The cheapest crappy old houses that needs lots of work start around $1.3mm. On $325k or even $400k, that's tough. And when both parents have to work long hours to make that much, it quickly becomes very stressful.

Farming stuff out is a practical yet deeply dissatisfying solution.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Both DH and I are in highly intellectual jobs that come with a lot of intellectual stimulations, prestige, fun and stress, but don't pay that much. Think of academics, economist at international organizations, etc. We make about 400k in total, evenly distributed. So we are comfortable, but neither of us can afford to quit - we can't afford the same lifestyle with single salary, the sunk cost of PhDs, and all the fun and meaning come with our jobs.

The problem is, we work long hours and travel a lot for work. With two kids, despite a lot of help around the house, we still find ourselves increasingly arguing about who should take the kids, do the chores, etc. We complain about not spending enough time together, but we just can't make it because one of us is either traveling or recovering from the travel...

I'm afraid we are growing apart... I'm the woman and feel like that I already sacrifice a lot of my own time to support him. He just wants me to be the funny sexy available girlfriend whenever he has time. I often just want to take a nap, recover, catch up with work, because I just took the lion share of everything while he was away...

How do you manage dual income marriage? If either of us give up our job, are we destined to separate at some point? It is just so stressful...

WTF talks like this? You’re claiming your married PhD economist husband working at a multilateral bank or Fed job, and who has a couple kids, thinks like this?!?

Bizarre.

Trollishly bizarre Op. r u even married?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sure I'll get flamed, but $400k HHI is not that much for the DMV. I live in one of the more modest neighborhoods in Bethesda, and the average HHI in this zip code is $325k. The cheapest new houses around here start at about $2.8mm. The cheapest crappy old houses that needs lots of work start around $1.3mm. On $325k or even $400k, that's tough. And when both parents have to work long hours to make that much, it quickly becomes very stressful.

Farming stuff out is a practical yet deeply dissatisfying solution.

Newsflash, you don't need a 1.3 million dollar house and if you have one, then stop screaming poverty. You can buy a $600K house in Silver Spring, Wheaton or Upcountry just fine. You choose an expensive lifestyle so stop complaining.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Those of us who manage this have spouses that aren’t jerks. Your husband just sounds like a jerk. Not sure what you can about it — he is unlikely to change.

This. DH and I are a team, and a damn good one at that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Two working parents is very, very doable if you don’t choose to take these high travel/unpredictable hours types jobs. Sounds like you care too much about prestige.

DH’s travel is the killer. We have 2 kids with an age gap. The older one sometimes has sports late in the evenings when the younger one should be sleeping. They both push back on having a nanny put them to bed or take them to all their activities. It’s also hard to manage getting them both out the door in the mornings and myself to work. I wish we could get off the hamster wheel, but DH wants a bigger life than we can afford on just his income. I’m tired and have no time for myself.

[Anonymous]

NP here. OP, I think one of the issues that the PPs have not picked up on is that your drive may have decreased, either generally or just regarding your husband. Either way, there seems to be a discrepancy there between the two of you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sure I'll get flamed, but $400k HHI is not that much for the DMV. I live in one of the more modest neighborhoods in Bethesda, and the average HHI in this zip code is $325k. The cheapest new houses around here start at about $2.8mm. The cheapest crappy old houses that needs lots of work start around $1.3mm. On $325k or even $400k, that's tough. And when both parents have to work long hours to make that much, it quickly becomes very stressful.

Farming stuff out is a practical yet deeply dissatisfying solution.

Newsflash, you don't need a 1.3 million dollar house and if you have one, then stop screaming poverty. You can buy a $600K house in Silver Spring, Wheaton or Upcountry just fine. You choose an expensive lifestyle so stop complaining.

Yes, OP can do this. But you can imagine why someone earning 400k feels not wealthy if they have to live in a 600k in Wheaton to be able to pay the bills.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Both DH and I are in highly intellectual jobs that come with a lot of intellectual stimulations, prestige, fun and stress, but don't pay that much. Think of academics, economist at international organizations, etc. We make about 400k in total, evenly distributed. So we are comfortable, but neither of us can afford to quit - we can't afford the same lifestyle with single salary, the sunk cost of PhDs, and all the fun and meaning come with our jobs.

The problem is, we work long hours and travel a lot for work. With two kids, despite a lot of help around the house, we still find ourselves increasingly arguing about who should take the kids, do the chores, etc. We complain about not spending enough time together, but we just can't make it because one of us is either traveling or recovering from the travel...

I'm afraid we are growing apart... I'm the woman and feel like that I already sacrifice a lot of my own time to support him. He just wants me to be the funny sexy available girlfriend whenever he has time. I often just want to take a nap, recover, catch up with work, because I just took the lion share of everything while he was away...

How do you manage dual income marriage? If either of us give up our job, are we destined to separate at some point? It is just so stressful...

WTF talks like this? You’re claiming your married PhD economist husband working at a multilateral bank or Fed job, and who has a couple kids, thinks like this?!?

Bizarre.

Trollishly bizarre Op. r u even married?

This is OP. Yes my brilliant husband who’s always serious in front of colleagues playing authority just wants sex with me whenever he has time. That’s not too often ( maybe once a week), but it’s always inconvenient for me because I’m so stressed and tired! I can’t keep up with his sexual desires in this life! It only adds to my stress level…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sure I'll get flamed, but $400k HHI is not that much for the DMV. I live in one of the more modest neighborhoods in Bethesda, and the average HHI in this zip code is $325k. The cheapest new houses around here start at about $2.8mm. The cheapest crappy old houses that needs lots of work start around $1.3mm. On $325k or even $400k, that's tough. And when both parents have to work long hours to make that much, it quickly becomes very stressful.

Farming stuff out is a practical yet deeply dissatisfying solution.

Not everyone gets to live in Bethesda.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sure I'll get flamed, but $400k HHI is not that much for the DMV. I live in one of the more modest neighborhoods in Bethesda, and the average HHI in this zip code is $325k. The cheapest new houses around here start at about $2.8mm. The cheapest crappy old houses that needs lots of work start around $1.3mm. On $325k or even $400k, that's tough. And when both parents have to work long hours to make that much, it quickly becomes very stressful.

Farming stuff out is a practical yet deeply dissatisfying solution.

I agree $400k is not much for this area. We make $600k, have 2 kids and feel decidedly middle class.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Both DH and I are in highly intellectual jobs that come with a lot of intellectual stimulations, prestige, fun and stress, but don't pay that much. Think of academics, economist at international organizations, etc. We make about 400k in total, evenly distributed. So we are comfortable, but neither of us can afford to quit - we can't afford the same lifestyle with single salary, the sunk cost of PhDs, and all the fun and meaning come with our jobs.

The problem is, we work long hours and travel a lot for work. With two kids, despite a lot of help around the house, we still find ourselves increasingly arguing about who should take the kids, do the chores, etc. We complain about not spending enough time together, but we just can't make it because one of us is either traveling or recovering from the travel...

I'm afraid we are growing apart... I'm the woman and feel like that I already sacrifice a lot of my own time to support him. He just wants me to be the funny sexy available girlfriend whenever he has time. I often just want to take a nap, recover, catch up with work, because I just took the lion share of everything while he was away...

How do you manage dual income marriage? If either of us give up our job, are we destined to separate at some point? It is just so stressful...

WTF talks like this? You’re claiming your married PhD economist husband working at a multilateral bank or Fed job, and who has a couple kids, thinks like this?!?

Bizarre.

Trollishly bizarre Op. r u even married?

Not the first PP, but this is not bizarre at all. I have the same problem with my husband. He’s trying not to be such a chauvinist but it takes effort.

The end of the Barbie movie is also about this uniquely American cultural expectation.

Are you feeling called out, PP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Both DH and I are in highly intellectual jobs that come with a lot of intellectual stimulations, prestige, fun and stress, but don't pay that much. Think of academics, economist at international organizations, etc. We make about 400k in total, evenly distributed. So we are comfortable, but neither of us can afford to quit - we can't afford the same lifestyle with single salary, the sunk cost of PhDs, and all the fun and meaning come with our jobs.

The problem is, we work long hours and travel a lot for work. With two kids, despite a lot of help around the house, we still find ourselves increasingly arguing about who should take the kids, do the chores, etc. We complain about not spending enough time together, but we just can't make it because one of us is either traveling or recovering from the travel...

I'm afraid we are growing apart... I'm the woman and feel like that I already sacrifice a lot of my own time to support him. He just wants me to be the funny sexy available girlfriend whenever he has time. I often just want to take a nap, recover, catch up with work, because I just took the lion share of everything while he was away...

How do you manage dual income marriage? If either of us give up our job, are we destined to separate at some point? It is just so stressful...

WTF talks like this? You’re claiming your married PhD economist husband working at a multilateral bank or Fed job, and who has a couple kids, thinks like this?!?

Bizarre.

Trollishly bizarre Op. r u even married?

This is OP. Yes my brilliant husband who’s always serious in front of colleagues playing authority just wants sex with me whenever he has time. That’s not too often ( maybe once a week), but it’s always inconvenient for me because I’m so stressed and tired! I can’t keep up with his sexual desires in this life! It only adds to my stress level…

This sounds very normal. You are describing my spouse too, except he expects a bit more. I think this is just marriage when your spouse likes you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Both DH and I are in highly intellectual jobs that come with a lot of intellectual stimulations, prestige, fun and stress, but don't pay that much. Think of academics, economist at international organizations, etc. We make about 400k in total, evenly distributed. So we are comfortable, but neither of us can afford to quit - we can't afford the same lifestyle with single salary, the sunk cost of PhDs, and all the fun and meaning come with our jobs.

The problem is, we work long hours and travel a lot for work. With two kids, despite a lot of help around the house, we still find ourselves increasingly arguing about who should take the kids, do the chores, etc. We complain about not spending enough time together, but we just can't make it because one of us is either traveling or recovering from the travel...

I'm afraid we are growing apart... I'm the woman and feel like that I already sacrifice a lot of my own time to support him. He just wants me to be the funny sexy available girlfriend whenever he has time. I often just want to take a nap, recover, catch up with work, because I just took the lion share of everything while he was away...

How do you manage dual income marriage? If either of us give up our job, are we destined to separate at some point? It is just so stressful...

WTF talks like this? You’re claiming your married PhD economist husband working at a multilateral bank or Fed job, and who has a couple kids, thinks like this?!?

Bizarre.

Trollishly bizarre Op. r u even married?

This is OP. Yes my brilliant husband who’s always serious in front of colleagues playing authority just wants sex with me whenever he has time. That’s not too often ( maybe once a week), but it’s always inconvenient for me because I’m so stressed and tired! I can’t keep up with his sexual desires in this life! It only adds to my stress level…

If you think your husband wanting sex once a week means he wants you to be his “sexy available girlfriend” you have totally lost the plot.

And if you don’t have energy for sex once a week you have really totally lost the plot. How do women think like this? Like 20 minutes of physical activity with your husband is too “stressful” for you? I can’t even.

-woman

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We are similar. Truly there is no easy answer here. You just have to muddle through. We only have one child and she’s 12 now and it is finally like we can breathe again.

So she doesn’t do any travel sports? 12 is when life started getting super busy with our kid, but she plays sports.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Both DH and I are in highly intellectual jobs that come with a lot of intellectual stimulations, prestige, fun and stress, but don't pay that much. Think of academics, economist at international organizations, etc. We make about 400k in total, evenly distributed. So we are comfortable, but neither of us can afford to quit - we can't afford the same lifestyle with single salary, the sunk cost of PhDs, and all the fun and meaning come with our jobs.

The problem is, we work long hours and travel a lot for work. With two kids, despite a lot of help around the house, we still find ourselves increasingly arguing about who should take the kids, do the chores, etc. We complain about not spending enough time together, but we just can't make it because one of us is either traveling or recovering from the travel...

I'm afraid we are growing apart... I'm the woman and feel like that I already sacrifice a lot of my own time to support him. He just wants me to be the funny sexy available girlfriend whenever he has time. I often just want to take a nap, recover, catch up with work, because I just took the lion share of everything while he was away...

How do you manage dual income marriage? If either of us give up our job, are we destined to separate at some point? It is just so stressful...

WTF talks like this? You’re claiming your married PhD economist husband working at a multilateral bank or Fed job, and who has a couple kids, thinks like this?!?

Bizarre.

Trollishly bizarre Op. r u even married?

This is OP. Yes my brilliant husband who’s always serious in front of colleagues playing authority just wants sex with me whenever he has time. That’s not too often ( maybe once a week), but it’s always inconvenient for me because I’m so stressed and tired! I can’t keep up with his sexual desires in this life! It only adds to my stress level…

This sounds very normal. You are describing my spouse too, except he expects a bit more. I think this is just marriage when your spouse likes you.

If her spouse liked her he would listen to her needs and help out more around the house.