managing negative emotions about grieving relatives

[Anonymous]

OP, take the high road. Here is one possible playlist for you.

- Apologize for not being able to make it to the funeral.
- Speak good things about the 'dead relative'. He was funny, adventurous, curious, a good friend, a good nephew, a good cousin, etc.
- Help in the busy work. Washing dishes, cleaning up, warming and serving dishes. Do the hostess work. This will keep you too busy to get into controversy.
- "No comment. This is too raw for me. I am here for my sister, her family and all the loved ones. May God give us the strength to withstand this tragedy.
- No heart to hear talk with anyone. You need to do a lot of physical work so that you do not open your mouth, do that.
- No rehashing the racist comment of your nephew. Do not ignore him, do not boycott him etc. Be very very kind and accepting of him. This will actually confuse and shame him more and he will repent in the correct way.
- Share this strategy with your DH and kids. This is how you all will behave.
- If more drama ensues, you and your kids will withdraw to your hotel without making a scene or responding.
- Needless to say - stay in a hotel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, your dislike, disdain, and pure hatred against your sister means you should own it and not go.

You are blaming her for the death of that child, and gossiping about it behind her back. You’re fuelling the fire that it’s her fault, and it’s not. Tragic things happen. Extreme sports are dangerous, but it’s not less tragic when a death happens. I know of kids that have died horseback riding, been paralyzed from gymnastics, or had heart attacks on the football field. My own twin brother died of SIDS. Was my mother to blame for putting him to sleep that night?

Now, the racism thing is a little harder. You’re lashing out because your child is hurt, wondering if they’re talking about her behind her back, but don’t realize her response is because you talk sh$t about your family behind THEIR backs?

I’m not sure Of the slur or the context, but in the case of a one off from a teen with horrified parents, I’d say some education is what’s needed. No, it’s not up to anyone to educate people on how to not be racist (or any other kind of -ist), but education can go a long way to eliminating the impact that you talk about. It shouldn’t be so confusing, but to a teenager who hears certain slurs in songs or on social
Media, they may not really get how harmful words in the real world and out of context can be. I’m sorry his apology didn’t suit, but it also may be he’s a teenage boy who
Isn’t supposed to have feelings to start with, feeling guilty and confused and not knowing HOW to apologize to your daughter. No amount of coaching by his parents is going to hit home in the way a peer’s side of things is going to. I don’t know any teenage boy who is going to say anything meaningful with an audience of 4 angry parents watching over him.

Skip the funeral. You’re too invested in the negative to make a meaningful impact. You only want to go to save YOUR face, and that’s a shifty position for someone trying to pretend they’re all Puppies and rainbows.

She is also blaming her sister for her child’s use of the slur. I can’t tell you how many teens of progressive DC area parents I have heard of saying these things. Sister communicated what the kid did was unacceptable made the kid apologize. Is OP expecting a written out 3 page apology letter from a surly teen? Clearly sister is not a responsible parent. OP is a bitter and resentful person. I also think she should skip the entire event.

I think OP is a normal grieving person with an imperfect family and who is imperfect herself, and trying to navigate racism towards her biracial child , which is really difficult. I think you are a total jerk.

There hasn't been any part of anything OP has said that makes it sound like they are grieving. Or maybe I just can't see it though their superiority complex and constant putting down of sister.

You are either lying or have no idea what grief looks like.

Ah yes. Talking about the trainwreck sister. The racist nephew. The sister who never taught her kid to apologize. The "I told you so" surrounding the death. Worrying how OP is going to keep their mouth shut about the above and just support sister. Yes, lots of grieving there b

So you don't know what grief looks like. Why are you posting here? Literally doing anything else would be a better use of your time.

So weird. None of the grief I've gone through in life has ever looked like this

Grief often presents as anger. It's literally the second stage of grief.

You're right, grief often presents as anger. It would be very normal for a grieving OP to present as angry at the unnamed activity that took her nephew/niece's life, angry at god, angry at intact families, angry at herself for not attending the funeral, angry at his mother for allowing him to do the activity - if she were actually engaged in a grieving process for this child. But there is no sense of grief in her post. Just, how do I keep my mouth shut when I know better how this child should have been parented and I find it ridiculous that his parents allowed this? This is not a stage of grief. This is the opposite of grief work. It's like saying that the reason OP didn't go to the funeral was that she was in the "denial" stage of grief. No, sorry. There's no indicia of grief here.

On the one hand, as a grieving mom myself, I'm tempted to tell OP to stay away. On the other hand, my brother and his family and my family were not close when my child died. There had been a lot of incidents. But they all came to the funeral and it led to a turning of the page and a new relationship. Can you not use this death as way to forge a new relationship?

One thing I can tell you OP, your sister well never be the same person she was after this death. That person is gone. Whatever you are holding against, it doesn't matter. That old person died too when her child died.

I absolutely see grief in her post. I also recognize that, obviously, she is not posting with the intent of sharing her grief, she is asking about a specific issue. This is a common bullying tactic on DCUM - a person posts about a specific aspect of a serious situation and then posters jump all over her because she didn't share the entire contents of her psyche with regards to that situation, and call a person going through a horrible situation, a terrible person. Just for fun I guess? Because I can't imagine you actually think OP's posts here represent the entirety of her feelings on this situation.

+1. The posters jumping all over her and calling her vile and whatnot are the actual terrible people. Who bullies someone who’s lost someone close and is trying to process complex feelings about the situation?

Because calling losing a child >>>>>>>>>>>>> a child being called a name. OP is making this all about her and not at all about her sister and her tragic loss. A normal person would forget all about the past and be there for her sister in her time of need. But not OP. She needs to be the star of this show.

But you, you are an awesome person. Awesome people talk like this about a person processing the death of a child.

Well OPs sister is the "dumbass" during her time of grief. So I guess you think OP is awesome for how she talks about her sister who actually is grieving.

Well OP isn't actually saying that to her sister, she is saying that is what she is thinking and wants to NOT say that to her sister. You clearly think unkind things about people, AND you pile onto them while they are grieving. Based on your example, OP should walk up to her sister and tell her she is a racist, bad parent.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am very sorry for your loss. This is a hard situation and I appreciate you are doing your best under the circumstances. I know what it's like to live far away from family, and that adds a complexity a lot of people don't understand unless they have been there.

Two things that stick out to me about your post:
"pursuing an extreme sport that none of us, except for my sister, thought the child should be involved in. In fact, she and my mother had a huge argument just after New Year's during which my mother yelled at her that the kid was going to get himself killed. " - this sounds like a controlling family dynamic in which your sister was/is not respected as the parent. You say "none of us, except for my sister" - whelp, she was kind of an important player in this scenario. This wasn't abuse or neglect. At a certain point you have to acknowledge you really can't control how another person parents their child, and treat them with the appropriate respect.

-"We're not forgetting what the other kid said, and our trust in that kid remains extremely low, but we're also not forgetting that that kid is grieving the loss of a sibling, so we won't be cold under the circumstances." It sounds like in your family, passive aggression is acceptable except in the face of horrific tragedy. That's pretty toxic and unhealthy for your child. It's totally fair not to choose to spend a lot of time with someone that doesn't treat you with respect, but to hold onto that anger like this is not. Your child is, unfortunately, going to encounter a lot of racist people in their lives. Sometimes the racism will be overt and sometimes less so. They can't just indefinitely ignore everyone, they have to find another to deal with it and part of that will be recognizing that people are fallible, our society sucks and especially work to not internalize the racism.

[Anonymous]

I appreciate the OP is responding here and reflecting. I'm not as charitable toward the posters calling her vile etc. She's asking about one very specific aspect of a very complicated dynamic, and she's intellectualizing the entire thing, so simpletons are drawing conclusions not in evidence.

OP, among the dreck you've gotten good advice. I'd add to think through things that make you calm - do you need exercise? Do you need alone time? Do you need dumb TV time? Whatever it is, build that into your schedule, privately, so you have an outlet (and for your kid, too). Obviously it's hard to be like, "we're going to the movies!" when intense emotional things are happening, but needing some private time and going into your room (or better back to the hotel) and watching a movie with headphones might do the trick.

Also - throwing yourself into physical labor - going to the store to stock up on toilet paper and paper towels, loading the dishwasher, sweeping the front porch, whatever it is takes oyu out of the action.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I appreciate the OP is responding here and reflecting. I'm not as charitable toward the posters calling her vile etc. She's asking about one very specific aspect of a very complicated dynamic, and she's intellectualizing the entire thing, so simpletons are drawing conclusions not in evidence.

OP, among the dreck you've gotten good advice. I'd add to think through things that make you calm - do you need exercise? Do you need alone time? Do you need dumb TV time? Whatever it is, build that into your schedule, privately, so you have an outlet (and for your kid, too). Obviously it's hard to be like, "we're going to the movies!" when intense emotional things are happening, but needing some private time and going into your room (or better back to the hotel) and watching a movie with headphones might do the trick.

Also - throwing yourself into physical labor - going to the store to stock up on toilet paper and paper towels, loading the dishwasher, sweeping the front porch, whatever it is takes oyu out of the action.

She started her sob story all about herself and her kid. This is not someone deeply grieving. She doesn’t even feel too bad for her sister. Yuck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, your dislike, disdain, and pure hatred against your sister means you should own it and not go.

You are blaming her for the death of that child, and gossiping about it behind her back. You’re fuelling the fire that it’s her fault, and it’s not. Tragic things happen. Extreme sports are dangerous, but it’s not less tragic when a death happens. I know of kids that have died horseback riding, been paralyzed from gymnastics, or had heart attacks on the football field. My own twin brother died of SIDS. Was my mother to blame for putting him to sleep that night?

Now, the racism thing is a little harder. You’re lashing out because your child is hurt, wondering if they’re talking about her behind her back, but don’t realize her response is because you talk sh$t about your family behind THEIR backs?

I’m not sure Of the slur or the context, but in the case of a one off from a teen with horrified parents, I’d say some education is what’s needed. No, it’s not up to anyone to educate people on how to not be racist (or any other kind of -ist), but education can go a long way to eliminating the impact that you talk about. It shouldn’t be so confusing, but to a teenager who hears certain slurs in songs or on social
Media, they may not really get how harmful words in the real world and out of context can be. I’m sorry his apology didn’t suit, but it also may be he’s a teenage boy who
Isn’t supposed to have feelings to start with, feeling guilty and confused and not knowing HOW to apologize to your daughter. No amount of coaching by his parents is going to hit home in the way a peer’s side of things is going to. I don’t know any teenage boy who is going to say anything meaningful with an audience of 4 angry parents watching over him.

Skip the funeral. You’re too invested in the negative to make a meaningful impact. You only want to go to save YOUR face, and that’s a shifty position for someone trying to pretend they’re all Puppies and rainbows.

She is also blaming her sister for her child’s use of the slur. I can’t tell you how many teens of progressive DC area parents I have heard of saying these things. Sister communicated what the kid did was unacceptable made the kid apologize. Is OP expecting a written out 3 page apology letter from a surly teen? Clearly sister is not a responsible parent. OP is a bitter and resentful person. I also think she should skip the entire event.

I think OP is a normal grieving person with an imperfect family and who is imperfect herself, and trying to navigate racism towards her biracial child , which is really difficult. I think you are a total jerk.

There hasn't been any part of anything OP has said that makes it sound like they are grieving. Or maybe I just can't see it though their superiority complex and constant putting down of sister.

You are either lying or have no idea what grief looks like.

Ah yes. Talking about the trainwreck sister. The racist nephew. The sister who never taught her kid to apologize. The "I told you so" surrounding the death. Worrying how OP is going to keep their mouth shut about the above and just support sister. Yes, lots of grieving there b

So you don't know what grief looks like. Why are you posting here? Literally doing anything else would be a better use of your time.

So weird. None of the grief I've gone through in life has ever looked like this

Grief often presents as anger. It's literally the second stage of grief.

Except all these feelings and anger were present before the death. I don't see how anyone can defend OP. She's vile

Because you’ve never been angry at or judgmental of a sibling. No siree Bob.

OPs post is all about her own negative emotions. And how dare her sister plan the funeral at an inconvenient time for OP? What a vile piece of garbage OP is. She feels no grief, even her title is about other people's grief. She calls her sister names, focuses on the slur as the worst part of this story, and just shows zero concern or caring for her sister, the dumbass. Stay far far away from her OP, you will be doing her a favor instead of smiling and gloating and telling her "I told you so" when you finally see her. Yuck.

There’s something seriously wrong with you. It doesn’t seem like you even have the story correct anymore and are projecting hard. You need to stay far away from this thread because you’re spewing hatred and over invested in your own warped version of events.

Oh, OP no need to sockpuppet when you have no support. More than one person thinks you're gross.

Since you brought it up, you’re the one sockpuppeting. The irrational hatred and “yuck” and “gross” give it away. Grow up, who writes like this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Okay, I lost a child 18 months ago so I’m far from objective. But the whole discussion of fault and bad parenting here is horrifying and heartbreaking and really beyond cruel.

Your sister has suffered a devastating loss. Please be a human being and put aside (1) whatever toxic comment was made by the young cousin to your own child and (2) your very petty and foolish thoughts that she should have controlled her child and prevented her child’s death. Your thoughts protect you and make YOU feel better, as if you are inoculated against death. You are not.

If you are wise, use this as a teachable moment for your child that whatever bad incident occurred with the other cousin in the past, that cousin is still deserving of support. And for godsake apologize for not moving heaven and earth to get to the funeral.

+1 to all of this. The judgment is just falling off of you. Maybe your sister is so caught up in her grief that she won't notice, but you are so in the wrong here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, your dislike, disdain, and pure hatred against your sister means you should own it and not go.

You are blaming her for the death of that child, and gossiping about it behind her back. You’re fuelling the fire that it’s her fault, and it’s not. Tragic things happen. Extreme sports are dangerous, but it’s not less tragic when a death happens. I know of kids that have died horseback riding, been paralyzed from gymnastics, or had heart attacks on the football field. My own twin brother died of SIDS. Was my mother to blame for putting him to sleep that night?

Now, the racism thing is a little harder. You’re lashing out because your child is hurt, wondering if they’re talking about her behind her back, but don’t realize her response is because you talk sh$t about your family behind THEIR backs?

I’m not sure Of the slur or the context, but in the case of a one off from a teen with horrified parents, I’d say some education is what’s needed. No, it’s not up to anyone to educate people on how to not be racist (or any other kind of -ist), but education can go a long way to eliminating the impact that you talk about. It shouldn’t be so confusing, but to a teenager who hears certain slurs in songs or on social
Media, they may not really get how harmful words in the real world and out of context can be. I’m sorry his apology didn’t suit, but it also may be he’s a teenage boy who
Isn’t supposed to have feelings to start with, feeling guilty and confused and not knowing HOW to apologize to your daughter. No amount of coaching by his parents is going to hit home in the way a peer’s side of things is going to. I don’t know any teenage boy who is going to say anything meaningful with an audience of 4 angry parents watching over him.

Skip the funeral. You’re too invested in the negative to make a meaningful impact. You only want to go to save YOUR face, and that’s a shifty position for someone trying to pretend they’re all Puppies and rainbows.

She is also blaming her sister for her child’s use of the slur. I can’t tell you how many teens of progressive DC area parents I have heard of saying these things. Sister communicated what the kid did was unacceptable made the kid apologize. Is OP expecting a written out 3 page apology letter from a surly teen? Clearly sister is not a responsible parent. OP is a bitter and resentful person. I also think she should skip the entire event.

I think OP is a normal grieving person with an imperfect family and who is imperfect herself, and trying to navigate racism towards her biracial child , which is really difficult. I think you are a total jerk.

There hasn't been any part of anything OP has said that makes it sound like they are grieving. Or maybe I just can't see it though their superiority complex and constant putting down of sister.

You are either lying or have no idea what grief looks like.

Ah yes. Talking about the trainwreck sister. The racist nephew. The sister who never taught her kid to apologize. The "I told you so" surrounding the death. Worrying how OP is going to keep their mouth shut about the above and just support sister. Yes, lots of grieving there b

So you don't know what grief looks like. Why are you posting here? Literally doing anything else would be a better use of your time.

So weird. None of the grief I've gone through in life has ever looked like this

Grief often presents as anger. It's literally the second stage of grief.

Except all these feelings and anger were present before the death. I don't see how anyone can defend OP. She's vile

Because you’ve never been angry at or judgmental of a sibling. No siree Bob.

OPs post is all about her own negative emotions. And how dare her sister plan the funeral at an inconvenient time for OP? What a vile piece of garbage OP is. She feels no grief, even her title is about other people's grief. She calls her sister names, focuses on the slur as the worst part of this story, and just shows zero concern or caring for her sister, the dumbass. Stay far far away from her OP, you will be doing her a favor instead of smiling and gloating and telling her "I told you so" when you finally see her. Yuck.

There’s something seriously wrong with you. It doesn’t seem like you even have the story correct anymore and are projecting hard. You need to stay far away from this thread because you’re spewing hatred and over invested in your own warped version of events.

Oh, OP no need to sockpuppet when you have no support. More than one person thinks you're gross.

Since you brought it up, you’re the one sockpuppeting. The irrational hatred and “yuck” and “gross” give it away. Grow up, who writes like this?

Sorry OP. Go back to hating your sister and blaming her for the death of her son.

[Anonymous]

Not the same thing , but my sister's famly had something very tragic happen to them. It was 20 years in the making and i and others have been warning them for a long time and we were always ignored. Personally, I try to help, but I need to keep a distance because the more I help, the more I see these negative patterns and the undoing of any help that I put in. I share this because I am angry with my sister. And I can't move forward until I deal with it so I am in therapy. My sister is not in a place to have that convo.

OP< I think you may be angry too. Seek outside support, but be there in a way that is not too consuming for your sister.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, your dislike, disdain, and pure hatred against your sister means you should own it and not go.

You are blaming her for the death of that child, and gossiping about it behind her back. You’re fuelling the fire that it’s her fault, and it’s not. Tragic things happen. Extreme sports are dangerous, but it’s not less tragic when a death happens. I know of kids that have died horseback riding, been paralyzed from gymnastics, or had heart attacks on the football field. My own twin brother died of SIDS. Was my mother to blame for putting him to sleep that night?

Now, the racism thing is a little harder. You’re lashing out because your child is hurt, wondering if they’re talking about her behind her back, but don’t realize her response is because you talk sh$t about your family behind THEIR backs?

I’m not sure Of the slur or the context, but in the case of a one off from a teen with horrified parents, I’d say some education is what’s needed. No, it’s not up to anyone to educate people on how to not be racist (or any other kind of -ist), but education can go a long way to eliminating the impact that you talk about. It shouldn’t be so confusing, but to a teenager who hears certain slurs in songs or on social
Media, they may not really get how harmful words in the real world and out of context can be. I’m sorry his apology didn’t suit, but it also may be he’s a teenage boy who
Isn’t supposed to have feelings to start with, feeling guilty and confused and not knowing HOW to apologize to your daughter. No amount of coaching by his parents is going to hit home in the way a peer’s side of things is going to. I don’t know any teenage boy who is going to say anything meaningful with an audience of 4 angry parents watching over him.

Skip the funeral. You’re too invested in the negative to make a meaningful impact. You only want to go to save YOUR face, and that’s a shifty position for someone trying to pretend they’re all Puppies and rainbows.

She is also blaming her sister for her child’s use of the slur. I can’t tell you how many teens of progressive DC area parents I have heard of saying these things. Sister communicated what the kid did was unacceptable made the kid apologize. Is OP expecting a written out 3 page apology letter from a surly teen? Clearly sister is not a responsible parent. OP is a bitter and resentful person. I also think she should skip the entire event.

I think OP is a normal grieving person with an imperfect family and who is imperfect herself, and trying to navigate racism towards her biracial child , which is really difficult. I think you are a total jerk.

There hasn't been any part of anything OP has said that makes it sound like they are grieving. Or maybe I just can't see it though their superiority complex and constant putting down of sister.

You are either lying or have no idea what grief looks like.

Ah yes. Talking about the trainwreck sister. The racist nephew. The sister who never taught her kid to apologize. The "I told you so" surrounding the death. Worrying how OP is going to keep their mouth shut about the above and just support sister. Yes, lots of grieving there b

So you don't know what grief looks like. Why are you posting here? Literally doing anything else would be a better use of your time.

So weird. None of the grief I've gone through in life has ever looked like this

Grief often presents as anger. It's literally the second stage of grief.

Except all these feelings and anger were present before the death. I don't see how anyone can defend OP. She's vile

Because you’ve never been angry at or judgmental of a sibling. No siree Bob.

OPs post is all about her own negative emotions. And how dare her sister plan the funeral at an inconvenient time for OP? What a vile piece of garbage OP is. She feels no grief, even her title is about other people's grief. She calls her sister names, focuses on the slur as the worst part of this story, and just shows zero concern or caring for her sister, the dumbass. Stay far far away from her OP, you will be doing her a favor instead of smiling and gloating and telling her "I told you so" when you finally see her. Yuck.

As I said: you, personally, have definitely NEVER experienced unsightly and unseemly and contradictory emotions towards a family member. You regard this as so much a given that you can't even imagine directly addressing that issue, you're directly onto ad hominem with no steps in between.

Again, a shockingly low amount of experience reflected on this board in having more than one thing be true at a time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, your dislike, disdain, and pure hatred against your sister means you should own it and not go.

You are blaming her for the death of that child, and gossiping about it behind her back. You’re fuelling the fire that it’s her fault, and it’s not. Tragic things happen. Extreme sports are dangerous, but it’s not less tragic when a death happens. I know of kids that have died horseback riding, been paralyzed from gymnastics, or had heart attacks on the football field. My own twin brother died of SIDS. Was my mother to blame for putting him to sleep that night?

Now, the racism thing is a little harder. You’re lashing out because your child is hurt, wondering if they’re talking about her behind her back, but don’t realize her response is because you talk sh$t about your family behind THEIR backs?

I’m not sure Of the slur or the context, but in the case of a one off from a teen with horrified parents, I’d say some education is what’s needed. No, it’s not up to anyone to educate people on how to not be racist (or any other kind of -ist), but education can go a long way to eliminating the impact that you talk about. It shouldn’t be so confusing, but to a teenager who hears certain slurs in songs or on social
Media, they may not really get how harmful words in the real world and out of context can be. I’m sorry his apology didn’t suit, but it also may be he’s a teenage boy who
Isn’t supposed to have feelings to start with, feeling guilty and confused and not knowing HOW to apologize to your daughter. No amount of coaching by his parents is going to hit home in the way a peer’s side of things is going to. I don’t know any teenage boy who is going to say anything meaningful with an audience of 4 angry parents watching over him.

Skip the funeral. You’re too invested in the negative to make a meaningful impact. You only want to go to save YOUR face, and that’s a shifty position for someone trying to pretend they’re all Puppies and rainbows.

She is also blaming her sister for her child’s use of the slur. I can’t tell you how many teens of progressive DC area parents I have heard of saying these things. Sister communicated what the kid did was unacceptable made the kid apologize. Is OP expecting a written out 3 page apology letter from a surly teen? Clearly sister is not a responsible parent. OP is a bitter and resentful person. I also think she should skip the entire event.

I think OP is a normal grieving person with an imperfect family and who is imperfect herself, and trying to navigate racism towards her biracial child , which is really difficult. I think you are a total jerk.

There hasn't been any part of anything OP has said that makes it sound like they are grieving. Or maybe I just can't see it though their superiority complex and constant putting down of sister.

You are either lying or have no idea what grief looks like.

Ah yes. Talking about the trainwreck sister. The racist nephew. The sister who never taught her kid to apologize. The "I told you so" surrounding the death. Worrying how OP is going to keep their mouth shut about the above and just support sister. Yes, lots of grieving there b

So you don't know what grief looks like. Why are you posting here? Literally doing anything else would be a better use of your time.

So weird. None of the grief I've gone through in life has ever looked like this

Grief often presents as anger. It's literally the second stage of grief.

You're right, grief often presents as anger. It would be very normal for a grieving OP to present as angry at the unnamed activity that took her nephew/niece's life, angry at god, angry at intact families, angry at herself for not attending the funeral, angry at his mother for allowing him to do the activity - if she were actually engaged in a grieving process for this child. But there is no sense of grief in her post. Just, how do I keep my mouth shut when I know better how this child should have been parented and I find it ridiculous that his parents allowed this? This is not a stage of grief. This is the opposite of grief work. It's like saying that the reason OP didn't go to the funeral was that she was in the "denial" stage of grief. No, sorry. There's no indicia of grief here.

On the one hand, as a grieving mom myself, I'm tempted to tell OP to stay away. On the other hand, my brother and his family and my family were not close when my child died. There had been a lot of incidents. But they all came to the funeral and it led to a turning of the page and a new relationship. Can you not use this death as way to forge a new relationship?

One thing I can tell you OP, your sister well never be the same person she was after this death. That person is gone. Whatever you are holding against, it doesn't matter. That old person died too when her child died.

I absolutely see grief in her post. I also recognize that, obviously, she is not posting with the intent of sharing her grief, she is asking about a specific issue. This is a common bullying tactic on DCUM - a person posts about a specific aspect of a serious situation and then posters jump all over her because she didn't share the entire contents of her psyche with regards to that situation, and call a person going through a horrible situation, a terrible person. Just for fun I guess? Because I can't imagine you actually think OP's posts here represent the entirety of her feelings on this situation.

+1. The posters jumping all over her and calling her vile and whatnot are the actual terrible people. Who bullies someone who’s lost someone close and is trying to process complex feelings about the situation?

Because calling losing a child >>>>>>>>>>>>> a child being called a name. OP is making this all about her and not at all about her sister and her tragic loss. A normal person would forget all about the past and be there for her sister in her time of need. But not OP. She needs to be the star of this show.

But you, you are an awesome person. Awesome people talk like this about a person processing the death of a child.

Well OPs sister is the "dumbass" during her time of grief. So I guess you think OP is awesome for how she talks about her sister who actually is grieving.

Well OP isn't actually saying that to her sister, she is saying that is what she is thinking and wants to NOT say that to her sister. You clearly think unkind things about people, AND you pile onto them while they are grieving. Based on your example, OP should walk up to her sister and tell her she is a racist, bad parent.

OP isn't grieving. But the last thing I'd be thinking if my nephew is that my brother is some childish word like "dumbass".

[Anonymous]

OP I’d encourage you to take a different perspective on the kid was is an extreme sport that I didn’t approve of him doing and I’m mad my sister let him do this.

People who are passionate outdoors people, who excel at what others define as extreme sports whether it’s rock climbing, mountaineering, surfing, diving, mountain biking, etc are following something they love. The west coast has a lot of this compared to the east coast. Your nephew wasn’t reckless or irresponsible. Most people in those sports take them very seriously and are laser focused when they do them. Accidents happen though and accidents can happen anywhere. Realize that your nephew died doing something he loved not died doing something your sister shouldn’t have allowed him to do. Show your sister support and respect your nephews memory by not disparaging what he loved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, your dislike, disdain, and pure hatred against your sister means you should own it and not go.

You are blaming her for the death of that child, and gossiping about it behind her back. You’re fuelling the fire that it’s her fault, and it’s not. Tragic things happen. Extreme sports are dangerous, but it’s not less tragic when a death happens. I know of kids that have died horseback riding, been paralyzed from gymnastics, or had heart attacks on the football field. My own twin brother died of SIDS. Was my mother to blame for putting him to sleep that night?

Now, the racism thing is a little harder. You’re lashing out because your child is hurt, wondering if they’re talking about her behind her back, but don’t realize her response is because you talk sh$t about your family behind THEIR backs?

I’m not sure Of the slur or the context, but in the case of a one off from a teen with horrified parents, I’d say some education is what’s needed. No, it’s not up to anyone to educate people on how to not be racist (or any other kind of -ist), but education can go a long way to eliminating the impact that you talk about. It shouldn’t be so confusing, but to a teenager who hears certain slurs in songs or on social
Media, they may not really get how harmful words in the real world and out of context can be. I’m sorry his apology didn’t suit, but it also may be he’s a teenage boy who
Isn’t supposed to have feelings to start with, feeling guilty and confused and not knowing HOW to apologize to your daughter. No amount of coaching by his parents is going to hit home in the way a peer’s side of things is going to. I don’t know any teenage boy who is going to say anything meaningful with an audience of 4 angry parents watching over him.

Skip the funeral. You’re too invested in the negative to make a meaningful impact. You only want to go to save YOUR face, and that’s a shifty position for someone trying to pretend they’re all Puppies and rainbows.

She is also blaming her sister for her child’s use of the slur. I can’t tell you how many teens of progressive DC area parents I have heard of saying these things. Sister communicated what the kid did was unacceptable made the kid apologize. Is OP expecting a written out 3 page apology letter from a surly teen? Clearly sister is not a responsible parent. OP is a bitter and resentful person. I also think she should skip the entire event.

I think OP is a normal grieving person with an imperfect family and who is imperfect herself, and trying to navigate racism towards her biracial child , which is really difficult. I think you are a total jerk.

There hasn't been any part of anything OP has said that makes it sound like they are grieving. Or maybe I just can't see it though their superiority complex and constant putting down of sister.

You are either lying or have no idea what grief looks like.

Ah yes. Talking about the trainwreck sister. The racist nephew. The sister who never taught her kid to apologize. The "I told you so" surrounding the death. Worrying how OP is going to keep their mouth shut about the above and just support sister. Yes, lots of grieving there b

So you don't know what grief looks like. Why are you posting here? Literally doing anything else would be a better use of your time.

So weird. None of the grief I've gone through in life has ever looked like this

Grief often presents as anger. It's literally the second stage of grief.

You're right, grief often presents as anger. It would be very normal for a grieving OP to present as angry at the unnamed activity that took her nephew/niece's life, angry at god, angry at intact families, angry at herself for not attending the funeral, angry at his mother for allowing him to do the activity - if she were actually engaged in a grieving process for this child. But there is no sense of grief in her post. Just, how do I keep my mouth shut when I know better how this child should have been parented and I find it ridiculous that his parents allowed this? This is not a stage of grief. This is the opposite of grief work. It's like saying that the reason OP didn't go to the funeral was that she was in the "denial" stage of grief. No, sorry. There's no indicia of grief here.

On the one hand, as a grieving mom myself, I'm tempted to tell OP to stay away. On the other hand, my brother and his family and my family were not close when my child died. There had been a lot of incidents. But they all came to the funeral and it led to a turning of the page and a new relationship. Can you not use this death as way to forge a new relationship?

One thing I can tell you OP, your sister well never be the same person she was after this death. That person is gone. Whatever you are holding against, it doesn't matter. That old person died too when her child died.

I absolutely see grief in her post. I also recognize that, obviously, she is not posting with the intent of sharing her grief, she is asking about a specific issue. This is a common bullying tactic on DCUM - a person posts about a specific aspect of a serious situation and then posters jump all over her because she didn't share the entire contents of her psyche with regards to that situation, and call a person going through a horrible situation, a terrible person. Just for fun I guess? Because I can't imagine you actually think OP's posts here represent the entirety of her feelings on this situation.

+1. The posters jumping all over her and calling her vile and whatnot are the actual terrible people. Who bullies someone who’s lost someone close and is trying to process complex feelings about the situation?

Because calling losing a child >>>>>>>>>>>>> a child being called a name. OP is making this all about her and not at all about her sister and her tragic loss. A normal person would forget all about the past and be there for her sister in her time of need. But not OP. She needs to be the star of this show.

But you, you are an awesome person. Awesome people talk like this about a person processing the death of a child.

Well OPs sister is the "dumbass" during her time of grief. So I guess you think OP is awesome for how she talks about her sister who actually is grieving.

Well OP isn't actually saying that to her sister, she is saying that is what she is thinking and wants to NOT say that to her sister. You clearly think unkind things about people, AND you pile onto them while they are grieving. Based on your example, OP should walk up to her sister and tell her she is a racist, bad parent.

OP isn't grieving. But the last thing I'd be thinking if my nephew is that my brother is some childish word like "dumbass".

Whatever, people are allowed to have complicated feelings about family when they’re grieving. It’s not like she went up to her sister and said that. You OTOH are a huge dumba$$ for insulting an anonymous person who’s hurting and looking for ways to deal with this situation with compassion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, your dislike, disdain, and pure hatred against your sister means you should own it and not go.

You are blaming her for the death of that child, and gossiping about it behind her back. You’re fuelling the fire that it’s her fault, and it’s not. Tragic things happen. Extreme sports are dangerous, but it’s not less tragic when a death happens. I know of kids that have died horseback riding, been paralyzed from gymnastics, or had heart attacks on the football field. My own twin brother died of SIDS. Was my mother to blame for putting him to sleep that night?

Now, the racism thing is a little harder. You’re lashing out because your child is hurt, wondering if they’re talking about her behind her back, but don’t realize her response is because you talk sh$t about your family behind THEIR backs?

I’m not sure Of the slur or the context, but in the case of a one off from a teen with horrified parents, I’d say some education is what’s needed. No, it’s not up to anyone to educate people on how to not be racist (or any other kind of -ist), but education can go a long way to eliminating the impact that you talk about. It shouldn’t be so confusing, but to a teenager who hears certain slurs in songs or on social
Media, they may not really get how harmful words in the real world and out of context can be. I’m sorry his apology didn’t suit, but it also may be he’s a teenage boy who
Isn’t supposed to have feelings to start with, feeling guilty and confused and not knowing HOW to apologize to your daughter. No amount of coaching by his parents is going to hit home in the way a peer’s side of things is going to. I don’t know any teenage boy who is going to say anything meaningful with an audience of 4 angry parents watching over him.

Skip the funeral. You’re too invested in the negative to make a meaningful impact. You only want to go to save YOUR face, and that’s a shifty position for someone trying to pretend they’re all Puppies and rainbows.

She is also blaming her sister for her child’s use of the slur. I can’t tell you how many teens of progressive DC area parents I have heard of saying these things. Sister communicated what the kid did was unacceptable made the kid apologize. Is OP expecting a written out 3 page apology letter from a surly teen? Clearly sister is not a responsible parent. OP is a bitter and resentful person. I also think she should skip the entire event.

I think OP is a normal grieving person with an imperfect family and who is imperfect herself, and trying to navigate racism towards her biracial child , which is really difficult. I think you are a total jerk.

There hasn't been any part of anything OP has said that makes it sound like they are grieving. Or maybe I just can't see it though their superiority complex and constant putting down of sister.

You are either lying or have no idea what grief looks like.

Ah yes. Talking about the trainwreck sister. The racist nephew. The sister who never taught her kid to apologize. The "I told you so" surrounding the death. Worrying how OP is going to keep their mouth shut about the above and just support sister. Yes, lots of grieving there b

So you don't know what grief looks like. Why are you posting here? Literally doing anything else would be a better use of your time.

So weird. None of the grief I've gone through in life has ever looked like this

Grief often presents as anger. It's literally the second stage of grief.

You're right, grief often presents as anger. It would be very normal for a grieving OP to present as angry at the unnamed activity that took her nephew/niece's life, angry at god, angry at intact families, angry at herself for not attending the funeral, angry at his mother for allowing him to do the activity - if she were actually engaged in a grieving process for this child. But there is no sense of grief in her post. Just, how do I keep my mouth shut when I know better how this child should have been parented and I find it ridiculous that his parents allowed this? This is not a stage of grief. This is the opposite of grief work. It's like saying that the reason OP didn't go to the funeral was that she was in the "denial" stage of grief. No, sorry. There's no indicia of grief here.

On the one hand, as a grieving mom myself, I'm tempted to tell OP to stay away. On the other hand, my brother and his family and my family were not close when my child died. There had been a lot of incidents. But they all came to the funeral and it led to a turning of the page and a new relationship. Can you not use this death as way to forge a new relationship?

One thing I can tell you OP, your sister well never be the same person she was after this death. That person is gone. Whatever you are holding against, it doesn't matter. That old person died too when her child died.

I absolutely see grief in her post. I also recognize that, obviously, she is not posting with the intent of sharing her grief, she is asking about a specific issue. This is a common bullying tactic on DCUM - a person posts about a specific aspect of a serious situation and then posters jump all over her because she didn't share the entire contents of her psyche with regards to that situation, and call a person going through a horrible situation, a terrible person. Just for fun I guess? Because I can't imagine you actually think OP's posts here represent the entirety of her feelings on this situation.

+1. The posters jumping all over her and calling her vile and whatnot are the actual terrible people. Who bullies someone who’s lost someone close and is trying to process complex feelings about the situation?

Because calling losing a child >>>>>>>>>>>>> a child being called a name. OP is making this all about her and not at all about her sister and her tragic loss. A normal person would forget all about the past and be there for her sister in her time of need. But not OP. She needs to be the star of this show.

But you, you are an awesome person. Awesome people talk like this about a person processing the death of a child.

Well OPs sister is the "dumbass" during her time of grief. So I guess you think OP is awesome for how she talks about her sister who actually is grieving.

Well OP isn't actually saying that to her sister, she is saying that is what she is thinking and wants to NOT say that to her sister. You clearly think unkind things about people, AND you pile onto them while they are grieving. Based on your example, OP should walk up to her sister and tell her she is a racist, bad parent.

OP isn't grieving. But the last thing I'd be thinking if my nephew is that my brother is some childish word like "dumbass".

Whatever, people are allowed to have complicated feelings about family when they’re grieving. It’s not like she went up to her sister and said that. You OTOH are a huge dumba$$ for insulting an anonymous person who’s hurting and looking for ways to deal with this situation with compassion.

Did you read the OP? In what way is OP hurting because her kid got called a name years ago? Maybe you need to read the OP again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, your dislike, disdain, and pure hatred against your sister means you should own it and not go.

You are blaming her for the death of that child, and gossiping about it behind her back. You’re fuelling the fire that it’s her fault, and it’s not. Tragic things happen. Extreme sports are dangerous, but it’s not less tragic when a death happens. I know of kids that have died horseback riding, been paralyzed from gymnastics, or had heart attacks on the football field. My own twin brother died of SIDS. Was my mother to blame for putting him to sleep that night?

Now, the racism thing is a little harder. You’re lashing out because your child is hurt, wondering if they’re talking about her behind her back, but don’t realize her response is because you talk sh$t about your family behind THEIR backs?

I’m not sure Of the slur or the context, but in the case of a one off from a teen with horrified parents, I’d say some education is what’s needed. No, it’s not up to anyone to educate people on how to not be racist (or any other kind of -ist), but education can go a long way to eliminating the impact that you talk about. It shouldn’t be so confusing, but to a teenager who hears certain slurs in songs or on social
Media, they may not really get how harmful words in the real world and out of context can be. I’m sorry his apology didn’t suit, but it also may be he’s a teenage boy who
Isn’t supposed to have feelings to start with, feeling guilty and confused and not knowing HOW to apologize to your daughter. No amount of coaching by his parents is going to hit home in the way a peer’s side of things is going to. I don’t know any teenage boy who is going to say anything meaningful with an audience of 4 angry parents watching over him.

Skip the funeral. You’re too invested in the negative to make a meaningful impact. You only want to go to save YOUR face, and that’s a shifty position for someone trying to pretend they’re all Puppies and rainbows.

She is also blaming her sister for her child’s use of the slur. I can’t tell you how many teens of progressive DC area parents I have heard of saying these things. Sister communicated what the kid did was unacceptable made the kid apologize. Is OP expecting a written out 3 page apology letter from a surly teen? Clearly sister is not a responsible parent. OP is a bitter and resentful person. I also think she should skip the entire event.

I think OP is a normal grieving person with an imperfect family and who is imperfect herself, and trying to navigate racism towards her biracial child , which is really difficult. I think you are a total jerk.

There hasn't been any part of anything OP has said that makes it sound like they are grieving. Or maybe I just can't see it though their superiority complex and constant putting down of sister.

You are either lying or have no idea what grief looks like.

Ah yes. Talking about the trainwreck sister. The racist nephew. The sister who never taught her kid to apologize. The "I told you so" surrounding the death. Worrying how OP is going to keep their mouth shut about the above and just support sister. Yes, lots of grieving there b

So you don't know what grief looks like. Why are you posting here? Literally doing anything else would be a better use of your time.

So weird. None of the grief I've gone through in life has ever looked like this

Grief often presents as anger. It's literally the second stage of grief.

You're right, grief often presents as anger. It would be very normal for a grieving OP to present as angry at the unnamed activity that took her nephew/niece's life, angry at god, angry at intact families, angry at herself for not attending the funeral, angry at his mother for allowing him to do the activity - if she were actually engaged in a grieving process for this child. But there is no sense of grief in her post. Just, how do I keep my mouth shut when I know better how this child should have been parented and I find it ridiculous that his parents allowed this? This is not a stage of grief. This is the opposite of grief work. It's like saying that the reason OP didn't go to the funeral was that she was in the "denial" stage of grief. No, sorry. There's no indicia of grief here.

On the one hand, as a grieving mom myself, I'm tempted to tell OP to stay away. On the other hand, my brother and his family and my family were not close when my child died. There had been a lot of incidents. But they all came to the funeral and it led to a turning of the page and a new relationship. Can you not use this death as way to forge a new relationship?

One thing I can tell you OP, your sister well never be the same person she was after this death. That person is gone. Whatever you are holding against, it doesn't matter. That old person died too when her child died.

I absolutely see grief in her post. I also recognize that, obviously, she is not posting with the intent of sharing her grief, she is asking about a specific issue. This is a common bullying tactic on DCUM - a person posts about a specific aspect of a serious situation and then posters jump all over her because she didn't share the entire contents of her psyche with regards to that situation, and call a person going through a horrible situation, a terrible person. Just for fun I guess? Because I can't imagine you actually think OP's posts here represent the entirety of her feelings on this situation.

+1. The posters jumping all over her and calling her vile and whatnot are the actual terrible people. Who bullies someone who’s lost someone close and is trying to process complex feelings about the situation?

Because calling losing a child >>>>>>>>>>>>> a child being called a name. OP is making this all about her and not at all about her sister and her tragic loss. A normal person would forget all about the past and be there for her sister in her time of need. But not OP. She needs to be the star of this show.

But you, you are an awesome person. Awesome people talk like this about a person processing the death of a child.

Well OPs sister is the "dumbass" during her time of grief. So I guess you think OP is awesome for how she talks about her sister who actually is grieving.

Well OP isn't actually saying that to her sister, she is saying that is what she is thinking and wants to NOT say that to her sister. You clearly think unkind things about people, AND you pile onto them while they are grieving. Based on your example, OP should walk up to her sister and tell her she is a racist, bad parent.

OP isn't grieving. But the last thing I'd be thinking if my nephew is that my brother is some childish word like "dumbass".

Whatever, people are allowed to have complicated feelings about family when they’re grieving. It’s not like she went up to her sister and said that. You OTOH are a huge dumba$$ for insulting an anonymous person who’s hurting and looking for ways to deal with this situation with compassion.

+1 this

PPs are the ones actively attacking a grieving person (and then claiming she's not grieving, which is obvious BS).

OP should work on not blaming her sister (private or otherwise) for her nephew's passing. The PPs should work on trying to be decent human beings.