Do families re write history re how much they helped you out/spent on you??

[Anonymous]

Ever feel like UMC parents spend WAY more money on their teens now than your parents did when you were a teen -- and your parents now want to re write history about it? Just sat thru a painfully long conversation with my parents going on about how great it is that a cousin bought her 15 year old a car and it allows him to get to his volunteer gig and how else would he get there with 2 working parents?? And yet when I was a teen (15 yrs ago) my parents would neither buy me a car nor allow me to work so I could buy a car. And when I pointed this out it was -- oh you should have asked, we may have bought you one. LOL -- right. Along with -- where did you have to go?? WTF?? UH -- you realize your own kids would turn down ECs and jobs ALL THE TIME bc they never had dependable rides and rode the yellow bus to school like dorks in 12th grade, but now it's sooooo great and they just didn't buy us a car bc we didn't ask for one?

They were freaking frugal -- we basically got food and clothes -- not a single vacation, certainly no car, and no college wasn't fully paid for. And yet now it's all forgotten?? IDK why I'm annoyed (except for the fact that I have to sit thru a rendition of what every long lost cousin is doing with their kids constantly -- I see these cousins once in 5 yrs max). Doesn't much matter as I'm a grown adult with a good salary, car etc. and spend how I want now -- but give me a break on re writing history. Is this just my family?

[Anonymous]

No, it is not just you, OP. I think every parent of yesteryear is flabbergasted at how much parents these days do for their children. No way in hell did half this stuff happen a generation ago. To start, salaries and cost of living and so many things have changed.

I think parents of that generation don't want to feel as if there is a such a disparity in classes, extracurriculars, and luxuries not provided back then.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, it is not just you, OP. I think every parent of yesteryear is flabbergasted at how much parents these days do for their children. No way in hell did half this stuff happen a generation ago. To start, salaries and cost of living and so many things have changed.

I think parents of that generation don't want to feel as if there is a such a disparity in classes, extracurriculars, and luxuries not provided back then.

This. I think that generation has to feel a bit bad for what they didn't provide, when they could have bc they were UMC in a time with lower COL and salary growth. I think they are realizing that things like yearly vacations, cars, allowances of more than $5/wk, never saying no to ECs if they're doable in any way -- ARE good things. Yet bc they chose not to do that, they need to "justify" or "minimize" it -- i.e. oh you never wanted a car.

Maybe it's just me (I have little kids so IDK yet) but it seems like back when we were growing up, it was about the adult's convenience and no matter how much they loved you, child rearing was seen as an obligation of sorts. If they didn't want to spend the money or hassle on something they said no. They didn't want to buy you a car and that meant you couldn't get to x EC -- oh well, too bad, we're the parents, it's our money, you can just stay home watching tv all summer. Now it's much more "family centric" -- I feel like parents treat their teens more as "equals" and consider what they want, what's good for them overall and try to make it happen. It's not just about -- we're the parents, you're the kids, when you're adults you can do what you want. Maybe it's bc these new parents are fulfilling the things they were denied? Maybe it's bc they realize -- you can do it when you're an adult -- isn't a substitute bc getting a retail job at the mall or cruising with your friends is special in high school, NOT in your 30s.

[Anonymous]

My parents are always like that. My husband and I call it on them all the time now. They blame me for not wanting to do activities when they refused to take me as it interfered with their lives. We had all the basics but no vacations - they'd leave us with the grandparents and go, etc. They did pay for college, which I appreciated. They rant all the time about how great they were. Now that I have kids and how much we actually do, it made me realize how little they have done. They pushed for grandkids and rarely see them, never buy anything except a rare occasion and never see them in any activities or sports competitions even though they are a few minutes away. And, yet, she tells me all the time how much she does for the kids and us I finally just started calling her on it. A shirt from your vacation twice a year is not buying my kid their wardrobe.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, it is not just you, OP. I think every parent of yesteryear is flabbergasted at how much parents these days do for their children. No way in hell did half this stuff happen a generation ago. To start, salaries and cost of living and so many things have changed.

I think parents of that generation don't want to feel as if there is a such a disparity in classes, extracurriculars, and luxuries not provided back then.

This. I think that generation has to feel a bit bad for what they didn't provide, when they could have bc they were UMC in a time with lower COL and salary growth. I think they are realizing that things like yearly vacations, cars, allowances of more than $5/wk, never saying no to ECs if they're doable in any way -- ARE good things. Yet bc they chose not to do that, they need to "justify" or "minimize" it -- i.e. oh you never wanted a car.

Maybe it's just me (I have little kids so IDK yet) but it seems like back when we were growing up, it was about the adult's convenience and no matter how much they loved you, child rearing was seen as an obligation of sorts. If they didn't want to spend the money or hassle on something they said no. They didn't want to buy you a car and that meant you couldn't get to x EC -- oh well, too bad, we're the parents, it's our money, you can just stay home watching tv all summer. Now it's much more "family centric" -- I feel like parents treat their teens more as "equals" and consider what they want, what's good for them overall and try to make it happen. It's not just about -- we're the parents, you're the kids, when you're adults you can do what you want. Maybe it's bc these new parents are fulfilling the things they were denied? Maybe it's bc they realize -- you can do it when you're an adult -- isn't a substitute bc getting a retail job at the mall or cruising with your friends is special in high school, NOT in your 30s.

+1

I think that generation is faced with realizing how selfish they were, for the most part, and that is embarrassing to them. They are being called out on it every time our kids get something that our parents would never have given us, in a million years. It didn't occur to them, and if it did, if they did not feel like doing it, forget it - we must not have wanted to have it - in their minds. I don't know if they have really convinced themselves of this, because it's not like we have no memory of what really happened. Glad you brought this up, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, it is not just you, OP. I think every parent of yesteryear is flabbergasted at how much parents these days do for their children. No way in hell did half this stuff happen a generation ago. To start, salaries and cost of living and so many things have changed.

I think parents of that generation don't want to feel as if there is a such a disparity in classes, extracurriculars, and luxuries not provided back then.

This. I think that generation has to feel a bit bad for what they didn't provide, when they could have bc they were UMC in a time with lower COL and salary growth. I think they are realizing that things like yearly vacations, cars, allowances of more than $5/wk, never saying no to ECs if they're doable in any way -- ARE good things. Yet bc they chose not to do that, they need to "justify" or "minimize" it -- i.e. oh you never wanted a car.

Maybe it's just me (I have little kids so IDK yet) but it seems like back when we were growing up, it was about the adult's convenience and no matter how much they loved you, child rearing was seen as an obligation of sorts. If they didn't want to spend the money or hassle on something they said no. They didn't want to buy you a car and that meant you couldn't get to x EC -- oh well, too bad, we're the parents, it's our money, you can just stay home watching tv all summer. Now it's much more "family centric" -- I feel like parents treat their teens more as "equals" and consider what they want, what's good for them overall and try to make it happen. It's not just about -- we're the parents, you're the kids, when you're adults you can do what you want. Maybe it's bc these new parents are fulfilling the things they were denied? Maybe it's bc they realize -- you can do it when you're an adult -- isn't a substitute bc getting a retail job at the mall or cruising with your friends is special in high school, NOT in your 30s.

+1

I think that generation is faced with realizing how selfish they were, for the most part, and that is embarrassing to them. They are being called out on it every time our kids get something that our parents would never have given us, in a million years. It didn't occur to them, and if it did, if they did not feel like doing it, forget it - we must not have wanted to have it - in their minds. I don't know if they have really convinced themselves of this, because it's not like we have no memory of what really happened. Glad you brought this up, OP.

THIS. It's laughable to tell a 30-40 year old what they did or did not want at 18. Most people who are 30-40, remember being high school seniors pretty clearly. They KNOW if they wanted a car or tennis lessons or whatever. I mean it's not like you're 35 trying to remember preschool!?

[Anonymous]

Same here and in other families I’ve observed. I think partially old people need to believe they were good parents and so have a narrative in their heads of that. I’ve seen it lead to conflict with grown children in need of validation of some past wrong. I also think it was a very selfish time for parents when we were growing up. They were divorcing and focusing on themselves. That generation still drinks from plastic water bottles and they don’t care.

[Anonymous]

The other day I was discussing American girl dolls with my mom (for my own daughter) and she was shocked when I told her I never had one. She asked multiple times and I’m not sure she believed me. In her memory of course I had one.

Stuff like this comes up all the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Same here and in other families I’ve observed. I think partially old people need to believe they were good parents and so have a narrative in their heads of that. I’ve seen it lead to conflict with grown children in need of validation of some past wrong. I also think it was a very selfish time for parents when we were growing up. They were divorcing and focusing on themselves. That generation still drinks from plastic water bottles and they don’t care.

+1. I wonder if I’ll be as bad of a parent as mine were to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, it is not just you, OP. I think every parent of yesteryear is flabbergasted at how much parents these days do for their children. No way in hell did half this stuff happen a generation ago. To start, salaries and cost of living and so many things have changed.

I think parents of that generation don't want to feel as if there is a such a disparity in classes, extracurriculars, and luxuries not provided back then.

This. I think that generation has to feel a bit bad for what they didn't provide, when they could have bc they were UMC in a time with lower COL and salary growth. I think they are realizing that things like yearly vacations, cars, allowances of more than $5/wk, never saying no to ECs if they're doable in any way -- ARE good things. Yet bc they chose not to do that, they need to "justify" or "minimize" it -- i.e. oh you never wanted a car.

Maybe it's just me (I have little kids so IDK yet) but it seems like back when we were growing up, it was about the adult's convenience and no matter how much they loved you, child rearing was seen as an obligation of sorts. If they didn't want to spend the money or hassle on something they said no. They didn't want to buy you a car and that meant you couldn't get to x EC -- oh well, too bad, we're the parents, it's our money, you can just stay home watching tv all summer. Now it's much more "family centric" -- I feel like parents treat their teens more as "equals" and consider what they want, what's good for them overall and try to make it happen. It's not just about -- we're the parents, you're the kids, when you're adults you can do what you want. Maybe it's bc these new parents are fulfilling the things they were denied? Maybe it's bc they realize -- you can do it when you're an adult -- isn't a substitute bc getting a retail job at the mall or cruising with your friends is special in high school, NOT in your 30s.

+1

I think that generation is faced with realizing how selfish they were, for the most part, and that is embarrassing to them. They are being called out on it every time our kids get something that our parents would never have given us, in a million years. It didn't occur to them, and if it did, if they did not feel like doing it, forget it - we must not have wanted to have it - in their minds. I don't know if they have really convinced themselves of this, because it's not like we have no memory of what really happened. Glad you brought this up, OP.

THIS. It's laughable to tell a 30-40 year old what they did or did not want at 18. Most people who are 30-40, remember being high school seniors pretty clearly. They KNOW if they wanted a car or tennis lessons or whatever. I mean it's not like you're 35 trying to remember preschool!?

+1

Honestly, I recall things when I was quite young that other family members (who were present) seem not to. The especially fun part is the sibling who always makes themselves the "star", but I suppose that is another issue. Combined with the parent rewriting history, one can only imagine how exhausting it can be. In truth, I think extended relatives and outsiders generally see through their BS, as they were around a fair amount during those past times, and they are no fools.

I definitely agree that our generation is directly reacting, perhaps overly so, to how we were treated growing up. As if when we were old enough to know better, we did not see what happened to young us - as an option.

[Anonymous]

I think the 80s-90s were just more adult centric and kids were along for the ride. If the kids even as teens wanted something and it wasn’t convenient or advantageous to the parents, it wasn’t going to happen and the teens could deal with it and make it right for their own damn selves when they were 18. In no way were kids seen as equal members of the family even at 17. Even in the most loving of families – mine and many of my HS friends – while parents may have done lip service to your thoughts, at the end of the day, what they wanted is exactly how it would happen and your feelings didn’t matter THAT much bc their was a view of – eh they’ll get over it.

[Anonymous]

Interesting, mine are the opposite. I'm 38. My parents, now in their 70s, insist I went to college for free (I didn't) and cost them nothing due to scholarships and thriftiness. Their lives were very child-focused and it's important to them to think I was successful not spoiled.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the 80s-90s were just more adult centric and kids were along for the ride. If the kids even as teens wanted something and it wasn’t convenient or advantageous to the parents, it wasn’t going to happen and the teens could deal with it and make it right for their own damn selves when they were 18. In no way were kids seen as equal members of the family even at 17. Even in the most loving of families – mine and many of my HS friends – while parents may have done lip service to your thoughts, at the end of the day, what they wanted is exactly how it would happen and your feelings didn’t matter THAT much bc their was a view of – eh they’ll get over it.

+1

I think this is happening with demanding parents now. ie: in the other direction. If a parent demands too many extracurriculars of a child, it has the same effect as demanding nothing. Different approach, but similar effect. The child gets burnt out, whereas, the child, in the past, felt denied (whether or not they acknowledged/realized it). Now, the over scheduled child (the product of the "deprived" parent) is inevitably reactive to be over scheduled. Neither is ideal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ever feel like UMC parents spend WAY more money on their teens now than your parents did when you were a teen -- and your parents now want to re write history about it? Just sat thru a painfully long conversation with my parents going on about how great it is that a cousin bought her 15 year old a car and it allows him to get to his volunteer gig and how else would he get there with 2 working parents?? And yet when I was a teen (15 yrs ago) my parents would neither buy me a car nor allow me to work so I could buy a car. And when I pointed this out it was -- oh you should have asked, we may have bought you one. LOL -- right. Along with -- where did you have to go?? WTF?? UH -- you realize your own kids would turn down ECs and jobs ALL THE TIME bc they never had dependable rides and rode the yellow bus to school like dorks in 12th grade, but now it's sooooo great and they just didn't buy us a car bc we didn't ask for one?

They were freaking frugal -- we basically got food and clothes -- not a single vacation, certainly no car, and no college wasn't fully paid for. And yet now it's all forgotten?? IDK why I'm annoyed (except for the fact that I have to sit thru a rendition of what every long lost cousin is doing with their kids constantly -- I see these cousins once in 5 yrs max). Doesn't much matter as I'm a grown adult with a good salary, car etc. and spend how I want now -- but give me a break on re writing history. Is this just my family?

From the responses, it is not just your family, but know that it isn't all families.

[Anonymous]

That has not been my experience because my parents provided as much, if not more, than today’s parents. They set a high bar to follow. ?