What to do when other children notice and provoke behaviors?

[Anonymous]

My 8 year old DS is in 2nd grade and has a diagnosis of ADHD hyperactive impulsive type (he got neuropsych testing at 7 years old, he's currently not medicated while we wait to get in with a covered psychiatrist). He gets easily upset and it seems one student in particular (a former friend) who he had a falling out on the playground last week is provoking him intentionally to get him into trouble by mocking and poking his tongue out at him, and "telling on him" for doing the same thing other students are doing.

My son has gotten much better at managing his feelings and outbursts in class but I can tell this is really getting to him. He's started biting his nails and picking at the skin around both his nail beds and toenails recently. The issues seem to be happening during unsupervised times like at recess and in the lunchroom.

Last week the child told the lunchroom attendant that my DS was the one talking during quiet cleanup time when he is adamant it wasn't him. He then started crying and poured a container of syrup on the lunch bench next to him which he rightly got in trouble for. A few days later while he was in the bathroom washing his hands the same child came in and started mocking him so he threw the balled up paper towel he had in his hands at him.

I'm at a loss of what to do since these issues seem to happen only during transitions and unsupervised times. I've talked to him about what to do, when stuff like this happens. He's working with his therapist on how to handle situations like this, and I've talked to the teacher who is aware of the issue.

[Anonymous]

Private, public or charter school? Context matters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Private, public or charter school? Context matters.

OP: Public MCPS

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Private, public or charter school? Context matters.

OP: Public MCPS

You need to talk with the teacher. It's not uncommon for other kids to pick up on issues with self-control, and try to provoke outbursts because they think it's funny. It's bullying because this other kid is deliberately trying to upset your child and get him to react inappropriately. It happens a lot to kids with ADHD and ASD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Private, public or charter school? Context matters.

OP: Public MCPS

You need to talk with the teacher. It's not uncommon for other kids to pick up on issues with self-control, and try to provoke outbursts because they think it's funny. It's bullying because this other kid is deliberately trying to upset your child and get him to react inappropriately. It happens a lot to kids with ADHD and ASD.

Oops sorry- looks like you have already talked with the teacher. I think if the other kid is still doing it, the teacher should make him stop. If that doesn't happen, I would elevate it. It's pretty important to make the point that your DS is being deliberately provoked. I've heard of bullying situations where the school did not take a proactive approach and the "bullied" becomes physical and gets into significant trouble. BTW if my DS was provoking a kid in any situation, but especially a child who struggles some, I would be pissed. Not all parents turn a blind eye to this either.

[Anonymous]

+1. If this was my child instigating I would want to know so that we could resolve it. Reach out the provoking child’s parents.

[Anonymous]

I would forget about waiting to get in with a psychiatrist who takes your insurance, and see a good one ASAP. You could be waiting indefinitely, and usually the in-network child psychiatrists are not the best.

[Anonymous]

My DS is in 6th grade (ADHD/Inattentive and Anxiety) and I've been dealing with this for a long time. Your DS's teacher needs to be more than just 'aware' of this. The school team needs to take an active role in managing this situation across the environments. What steps has the teacher taken to address it? Has the school psychologist and counselor been involved? They should be.

What has worked best with my DS is to meet with the school psychologist to discuss the issues, identify appropriate responses and improve his own 'self-control'. Be prepared to be in it for the long haul because these techniques are easily learned but not easily implemented at the time they are needed. The school psychologist can consult with your DS's therapist to make sure they're on the same page, using consistent terminology and reinforcing the same concepts. The guidance counselor meets with DS and some other boys once a week or so for lunch - a lunch bunch. The counselor would also periodically meet with the provoking student to check in what's going on with her/him.

Finally, your DS biting his nails and picking his skin may be an anxiety response to this situation or things in general. You should keep an eye on it because it can be a difficult coping response to stop. Hugs.

[Anonymous]

I would be very, very open to the possibility that the real story is very different than the one your child is telling you. (This is not a criticism of your boy at all and obviously it could be entirely true. Just proceed cautiously.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would forget about waiting to get in with a psychiatrist who takes your insurance, and see a good one ASAP. You could be waiting indefinitely, and usually the in-network child psychiatrists are not the best.

In network is fine, but good luck if you can find one. See anyone you can get an appointment with at this point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:+1. If this was my child instigating I would want to know so that we could resolve it. Reach out the provoking child’s parents.

Don't do this. The nail biting for example has zero to do with this kid. Op, if there's bullying then your best bet is through the teacher.

Get meds and a social skills group.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Private, public or charter school? Context matters.

OP: Public MCPS

You need to talk with the teacher. It's not uncommon for other kids to pick up on issues with self-control, and try to provoke outbursts because they think it's funny. It's bullying because this other kid is deliberately trying to upset your child and get him to react inappropriately. It happens a lot to kids with ADHD and ASD.

Oops sorry- looks like you have already talked with the teacher. I think if the other kid is still doing it, the teacher should make him stop. If that doesn't happen, I would elevate it. It's pretty important to make the point that your DS is being deliberately provoked. I've heard of bullying situations where the school did not take a proactive approach and the "bullied" becomes physical and gets into significant trouble. BTW if my DS was provoking a kid in any situation, but especially a child who struggles some, I would be pissed. Not all parents turn a blind eye to this either.

OP: Thanks, this is what I'm worried about. Him having an extreme reaction. Today he said the other kid was poking out his tongue and making fun because his snack was bigger than my child's. Luckily he didn't react and said he ignored him which is good. I'll talk to the teacher again and loop in the counselor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would be very, very open to the possibility that the real story is very different than the one your child is telling you. (This is not a criticism of your boy at all and obviously it could be entirely true. Just proceed cautiously.)

OP: The teacher said he noticed this as well when I brought it up, and my child isn't known to lie. He is extremely sensitive and emotional though. Very reactionary.

[Anonymous]

So frustrating. It's so easy to tell them to "ignore," but we know that it is easier said than done.

[Anonymous]

If it's always the same kid I would submit a copy of the bullying form.