Closed Adoption and found the birth mother

[Anonymous]

My sister had a closed adoption and the birth mother was adamant she didn't want to be contacted. My sister took the Ancestry DNA test and found close relatives like cousins and siblings. She's been messaging them and they are upset, have no knowledge of the birth and don't want her to contact them. An older woman told my sister she had no right to do this. She has no way to message the birth mother directly.

Any advice? I think since it was a closed adoption she should only message the birth mother and not the rest of the family. My parents think this woman has no right to privacy in 2018 and her entire family should know about her teenage birth and don't care about any consequences if her children or husband or parents find out. I see both sides. I feel for this woman who was a young teen when she had the baby and chose adoption over abortion under the condition that it was a closed adoption. And then I feel for my sister who wants a new family.

[Anonymous]

Your sister is wrong, although her wrong is more forgivable.

Your parents are so wrong that my head spins. The birth mother gave them the gift of your sister and they can't even respect her privacy that was part of the adoption agreement? They sound extremely spiteful.

Maybe that's why your sister wants a new family.

[Anonymous]

I do not recommend it because from my sister's experience it did not end well. I tried to advise against it, but she was very adamant she had to contact her. Now she really regrets it though. Very similar story including Ancestry.com. It was heartbreaking to watch as my sister just felt very rejected by both her mother and her siblings who also didn't want to be contacted. She contacted her birth mother on facebook, and her response was the meanest, nastiest thing I have ever read. It ended with something like (summary) - I'm so glad I gave you up because you are clearly an awful person who can't respect my privacy. You turned my kids against me for contacting them via Ancestry. You ruined my life again. This happened 3 years ago and my sister is still in therapy from it.

Why does she want to contact her birth mother if she was adamant to not be contacted? Is it for a medical question?

I am also adopted and I have no desire to do anything of this. I have my family and I don't need any more.

[Anonymous]

Your sister needs to drop it and stop invading her birth mothers privacy. No way could that teenage girl have predicted the technology changes that would allow her to be found in 2018. If she had known this perhaps she’d have aborted instead, who knows. Tell your sister to leave this woman and her family alone. Maybe in th future when the shock has worn off, she’ll reconsider, but for now, drop it.

[Anonymous]

OP here. My parents are 100% on whatever side my sister is on, so they're saying the same thing my sister is saying. My sister thinks there's no right to privacy in this new age with DNA tests. It was a closed adoption but my parents always told my sister she was adopted and were open with her.

I don't blame my sister for wanting a second family. We have awesome parents and family, but who wouldn't want to see what their genetic mom and siblings are like? My sister wants to know everything- medical questions, what they look like, their family stories.

I sort of don't see this story ending well for anyone involved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. My parents are 100% on whatever side my sister is on, so they're saying the same thing my sister is saying. My sister thinks there's no right to privacy in this new age with DNA tests. It was a closed adoption but my parents always told my sister she was adopted and were open with her.

I don't blame my sister for wanting a second family. We have awesome parents and family, but who wouldn't want to see what their genetic mom and siblings are like? My sister wants to know everything- medical questions, what they look like, their family stories.

I sort of don't see this story ending well for anyone involved.

I can understand where your sister is coming from but she's not going to get what she wants. She won't be able to hound these people into a relationship with her and pushing the issue is just as likely to seal that door shut forever.

[Anonymous]

I totally sympathize with your sister but I think she should leave it alone. 1) if her birth mother wanted to find her she probably would have 2) Unless she needs some sort of vital health information then she should respect her privacy. Especially considering the birth mother did not herself utilize these websites.

That said, I am going to have to give a gigantic eye roll to her birth mothers family. I am on AncestryDNA and 23 and me and you literally opt into allowing yourself to be linked to your dna relatives. If potentially finding family members you don’t want to find is a problem then don’t do it. They’re acting like she hired a PI to go through there trash to find a dna sample when the reality is they are dummies who waived their privacy and didn’t like the consequences.

[Anonymous]

The whole idea behind a closed and sealed adoption is just part of the whole 'evil' regime of shaming women and protecting men. Sorry, but the parties won't have privacy. However, the mother and siblings owe her nothing except the information at hand. She should not expect a "family."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The whole idea behind a closed and sealed adoption is just part of the whole 'evil' regime of shaming women and protecting men. Sorry, but the parties won't have privacy. However, the mother and siblings owe her nothing except the information at hand. She should not expect a "family."

Why do they owe her anything? The woman gave her up to have a better life.

[Anonymous]

I think your sister is right-- that she can contact them if she wishes.... BUT she needs to think about the end game here. What is the point of this? If she is only going to get rebuffed by the extended family and maybe eventually her birth mother, she should tread cautiously if only to protect her own heart. The message sent should be along the lines of, "I'm happy and healthy and would love to connect if you want to. I can be reached at xxxx." the end.

I also don't have a lot of sympathy for birth parents who, decades later, aren't able to give their own child the time of day. But that's another discussion.

[Anonymous]

If people don't want to be contacted by long lost relatives, why on earth do they put their DNA profiles up on the internet? People who get DNA tests have the option to make it public or not. Why make it public and then get mad about it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
OP here. My parents are 100% on whatever side my sister is on, so they're saying the same thing my sister is saying. My sister thinks there's no right to privacy in this new age with DNA tests. It was a closed adoption but my parents always told my sister she was adopted and were open with her.

I don't blame my sister for wanting a second family. We have awesome parents and family, but who wouldn't want to see what their genetic mom and siblings are like? My sister wants to know everything- medical questions, what they look like, their family stories.

I sort of don't see this story ending well for anyone involved.

I can understand where your sister is coming from but she's not going to get what she wants. She won't be able to hound these people into a relationship with her and pushing the issue is just as likely to seal that door shut forever.

Another adult adoptee here. Sure, we are all curious about this, but the price in this case sounds way too high. She is being told to cease and desist, so she should take the hint. If she doesn't, she is in for nothing but hurt.

It's sad that our culture has led so many adopted people to believe that they are somehow not complete (or "real") until they find their DNA trail.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The whole idea behind a closed and sealed adoption is just part of the whole 'evil' regime of shaming women and protecting men. Sorry, but the parties won't have privacy. However, the mother and siblings owe her nothing except the information at hand. She should not expect a "family."

Totally agree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think your sister is right-- that she can contact them if she wishes.... BUT she needs to think about the end game here. What is the point of this? If she is only going to get rebuffed by the extended family and maybe eventually her birth mother, she should tread cautiously if only to protect her own heart. The message sent should be along the lines of, "I'm happy and healthy and would love to connect if you want to. I can be reached at xxxx." the end.

I also don't have a lot of sympathy for birth parents who, decades later, aren't able to give their own child the time of day. But that's another discussion.

Why? She could have had an abortion and never thought about it again. I think the woman still deserves respect.

[Anonymous]

The birth mothers family and kids may not have known about the adoption so when they opted to be contacted it was likely they assumed distant cousins or something, not a sister.

This just brings up so many more issues with adoption and limited access to abortion.