Close with mom but strained relationship with dad. Unsure of grandparent visititation

[Anonymous]

Situation: Even though I have a strained relationship with my father, my husband has been cordial with him and will call him every couple of weeks. Yesterday my father tore into my husband because when my husband last called (about 2 weeks ago) my dad missed the call. My dad called and my husband missed his call (normal phone tag). My husband calls my dad yesterday and my father says my husband (a man exceeding 40) is disrespectful for not following up sooner and waiting 2 weeks to return a call. My dad said that my husband shouldn't "take him for granted and disrespect his time, and that he shouldn't control him...nonsensical NPD stuff". I overheard the conversation b/c I heard my husband's voice raised which is abnormal. Again this is all from one round of phone tag. My husband told my father he was busy with a new job but my father persisted, My husband ended the call and announced to me that he had tried for nearly 5 years to be polite but he just can't take it anymore with my father. I shrugged and said, I wasn't surprised by my father's reaction...he's done this type of stuff (and worse) to me my entire life.

I've decided that for the peace of my home I don't want my father coming to my house. Cursing me out, calling me overweight a week after I gave birth, physically (in the past) and emotionally (present) abusing my mother are all things I grapple with but still didn't want to prevent him from seeing his grandchild. However, extending his abusive language to my husband i think makes my decision to ban him for a period of time reasonable.

Here's the challenge: In the past my mom will decide she wants to visit me and I'll say I really dont' feel like seeing my dad at that time (he takes alot of emotional energy even with grey rock techniques). She'll say he isn't planning to come (she isn't lying, trust me). A day before her flight he'll book a flight and "tag along" arriving at a similar time. So I'm in this position of allowing my mom come in side but literally slamming the door in his face or telling my mother that she needs to stay with him in their city which means she won't get to see her grandchild who she absolutely adores.

What would you do? I told my mom that until further notice (from my husband) my father is not welcome. While a lifetime of his behavior has enabled me to cope (somewhat) my husband doesn't have time or energy for that dysfunction and really I don't blame him.

Oh and I should say that he never asks for pictures or calls about the welfare of his grandchild. He spent $200 on a christmas gift for him and that was the last time I have heard him express interest in his grandchild. I say that because I doubt that I'm disrupting a relationship w/ his grandchild but for my mother (if he insists on coming) would impact a relationship she is very much invested in maintaining.

[Anonymous]

OP here: sorry about typo in the title... Visitation

[Anonymous]

Tell your mom "You're welcome any time. Dad is not. If he tags along with you he will have to stay at a hotel and will not be welcome in our home. If you want to divorce him, you're welcome to come stay with us."

[Anonymous]

You have to tell your *father* that he is not welcome, rather than putting your mother in that position.

Own it.

[Anonymous]

I think you need to reiterate to her and your dad that he is not welcome prior to her visits.


Then you can arrange to meet your mom in public places when she arrives. if you show up and your dad is there just keep it moving. But if every time you let him into your house he’s not going to do anything differently.

[Anonymous]

np: I banned my dad from staying overnight in my house four years ago. My mom comes a couple of times a year without him. They come together a couple of times a year for one day on their way up to my brother's house. We stopped traveling to their place. It works ok.

[Anonymous]

Why is your husband maintaining a relationship with your father when your father is such a douche?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why is your husband maintaining a relationship with your father when your father is such a douche?

He wanted to be cordial...he hates drama

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell your mom "You're welcome any time. Dad is not. If he tags along with you he will have to stay at a hotel and will not be welcome in our home. If you want to divorce him, you're welcome to come stay with us."

+100

[Anonymous]

We had something similar and in the end we found MIL is codependent with FIL and therefore they are not able to separate. In the end they were both banned.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We had something similar and in the end we found MIL is codependent with FIL and therefore they are not able to separate. In the end they were both banned.

I was the same with my mom and dad. She couldn't go anywhere without him so she didn't come. When visited my hometown, I stayed with other family members and my mom would drop by when she could get away. I learned long ago that he was always her priority and if it ever came down to a choice, she would always choose him. It was really sad. Now that he's dead, she visits all the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We had something similar and in the end we found MIL is codependent with FIL and therefore they are not able to separate. In the end they were both banned.

I was the same with my mom and dad. She couldn't go anywhere without him so she didn't come. When visited my hometown, I stayed with other family members and my mom would drop by when she could get away. I learned long ago that he was always her priority and if it ever came down to a choice, she would always choose him. It was really sad. Now that he's dead, she visits all the time.

op here: co dependency is an issue but not at this level. my mom is fine visiting without him and actually prefers to visit w/o him. he on the other hand is possessive. i would buy her ticket and he cussed her out and said that he needs to buy it. i told her i could buy it...he would have no way of know i purchased it unless she told him...apparently she feels she has to tell him. it is really frustrating. there's a weird daddy-child dynamic b/n them...she's always trying to gain his approval and it has cost her so much.

she told me a day ago that she warned him that w/ his behavior he may not see he grandchild. his response: his daughters didn't have a paternal grandfather (he was deceased) so my son would be fine w/o him. the fact that he doesn't even care about his only grand child makes it all the more baffling that my mom deals w/ it. based on his assets (paid off home and rental properties and 6 figure salary...30 + year marriage..no prenup) she would be able to move to my city (in the south) and retire in a nice condo, bought cash, and buy the dream luxury car she's wanted (instead of a 15 year old corolla)

banning my mom isn't an option. she is really my only parent and loves unconditionally. i think she'd choose her grandchild and me over him but that is an ultimatum i don't want on my shoulders.


i agree with a pp that I will just have to explicitly tell him he isn't welcome unless he apologizes to my husband (something i know he wouldn't do)

[Anonymous]

I used to hope my mom would divorce my dad, but now that they are 70, I honestly think she's better off with him. No physical abuse, he's just selfish and condescending and needy and gets jealous if she spends any time with grandkids which she rarely does. My friend and her siblings convinced their mom to dump their dad (ages 60-ish) and they regretted it because they ended up with two lonely, dysfunctional parents and to her utter surprise, Grandma bounced around from one adult child to another while avoiding the hard work of a new baby. Instead of helping with the new baby.

[Anonymous]

pp: Also, keep in mind your mom might decline first, and your dad can deal with her problems. Mine is starting to lose her memory, I'm afraid, and my dad might be a reasonable caretaker since he's so attached to her.