Brother thinking of "escape"
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Anonymous
| Brother and his wife have been having difficulties for several years. They have a teen and a tween. Brother confessed to me that he has been offered a position overseas with his company. He has not told his wife and doesn't plan to- he says she would not want to move. He told me he is thinking of just informing her a day or two before he leaves and then "escaping" to his new location. This seems like a bad idea to me, and I worry what his kids will think and the impact it could have on a possible divorce. Should I be worried and try to convince him not to do this? |
Anonymous
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Well what a sad excuse for a human being. I would tell him that if he doesn't tell his family in advance, I will. It has nothing to do with the state of their marriage, but everything to do with the children's mental, emotional, psychological and physical well-being. Abandonment is traumatizing. My husband was temporarily abandoned by his mother, as a result of war displacement, and I am suffering the after-effects 50 years on. |
Anonymous
| Your brother wants to abandon his family and you don't know if you should try to talk him out of it? Your parents owe you both an apology for raising sociopaths. |
Anonymous
This. Seriously, OP, what on earth can you be thinking?! |
Anonymous
| That is a bad idea for so many reasons. His kids will be traumatized--can you imagine your father just up and moving overseas without telling you in advance? Because he just wanted to get away from his family? It doesn't matter what kind of custody he gets in the (inevitable) divorce, because his kids will hate him. |
Anonymous
| Such a self-centered and destructive idea and terrible that you are not screaming at him to not be a douche. Whatever issues he has with his wife he is cruel to impose his selfish choices on his children. I am sure part of this is to escape the legal responsibilities of child support. I would be embarrassed to have a sibling like this and ashamed if I did not do everything I could to stop him from trying to do |
Anonymous
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Sometimes escape is all you can do, so ignore the harpies, OP.
I'd suggest your brother talks to a divorce lawyer. Then discuss his plans with his wife. She deserves a chance to say yay or nay as far as the family move. But maybe he just wants to leave, then he should say so. After talking to a freaking lawyer! |
Anonymous
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OP - your brother is an ass for thinking that it would ever be okay to do that to his family, especially his children. Tell him to get a spine and some empathy. People get divorced all the time and handle it in mature and respectful ways. Your brother seems to want to relinquish his responsibilities and it's probably exactly why he has trouble in his marriage.
You also need to get a spine and tell him in no uncertain terms that what he is about to do is disrespectful, hurtful, damaging, immature and selfish. He needs a quick kick in the pants, not an "escape". |
Anonymous
| If he was just married with no kids and planning this, he'd be an ass. With kids, it's inexcusable. You absolutely have to intervene, for the sake of his children. It's a little disturbing you didn't reach this conclusion yourself. |
Anonymous
Harpies? Jesus, if leaving the country with less than a week's notice is "all you can do," then you are a seriously screwed up person. If OP's brother wants to leave his family, no one can stop him, but the method he's proposing is so unnecessarily cruel to his kids that I question his fundamental decency as a human being. |
Anonymous
+1 "Escape" is what you do if you're being abused and need to flee. This guy wants to run away like a child, not escape a dangerous or truly toxic situation. OP, your brother is immature beyond belief. An adult would not abandon his family. And yes, this would be abandonment in every sense except maybe financially, if he continues to pay the bills for his wife and kids. OP, if you support him in this, don't expect to see your nieces/nephews again, if that matters to you. Tell him he is being a child and not a man, and if he has issues in his marriage, he needs to choose--stay put and work on them, or man up and tell his wife clearly and up front that he wants to divorce, so she has some opportunity to deal with that fact--emotionally, legally, logistically. Even if he hates her guts, he should give her that opportunity because, you know, CHILDREN. Does he hate his children? Because that's all they'll remember -- dad must sure have hated us to disappear like that. He and his abandoned wife can say all they want that "It's not your fault," but children internalize these things and very often blame themselves. Hard. That happens even in carefully planned and amicable divorces, OP. Imagine how the kids will feel in a sloppy, unplanned, mean separation like your brother wants. If you also think that only "harpies" think your brother is an immature, self-centered idiot setting himself up to be a horribly damaging father, well, I'm a harpy. |
Anonymous
| My father did this and it was so incredibly hurtful for everyone. I suffered additionally just watching my mother cope with her new life in disbelief. Not only he divorced her, but the whole time growing up it felt like he abandoned us, his kids too. Because that's exactly what he did. He wanted a life without kids. |
Anonymous
| I think this expression is overused, but in this case, it's apt: "Dude, you need to man up." That doesn't necessarily mean staying married, or even staying in the country, but it does mean talking to his family. |
Anonymous
| You need to tell him to tell his family or you will. As other PPs have said this will traumatize the children and your loyalty at some point has to shift to them as they are the innocent parties. |
Anonymous
| Get him some emergency mental health help. He needs it. |