shared custody arrangement with little kids

[Anonymous]

I'm going through a separation and wonder what has worked for folks when separating with little kids ( 2 kids, youngest is 3). We plan on doing joint custody, living very close to each other. Is moving them back and forth often better or worse for little people? As the mother i'm the default parent, but they are also attached to dad. Please no advice on sanctity of marriage, therapy, counseling, religion, etc. Been there done that.

[Anonymous]

Children require stability. Why deny your own child of this very basic need? Please don't do the house bounce. It's hell. Figure out something else.

[Anonymous]

Separated when the kids were 18 months and 4.5. Initially they went to his place alternate weekends, and two nights a week he did dinner and put them to bed at my house (I kept the family house). It was easier on the kids, but logistically challenging for me since I had to be out of the house until 8:30pm twice a week. I was devastated about the end of my marriage and wasn’t telling everyone yet, so it was awkward and some nights I really just wanted to be able to come home and mope, but couldn’t.

After about a year of that, he started keeping the kids for an overnight once a week and having them over for dinner and dropping them off afterwards (as well as alternate weekends). It’s not perfect, and I feel like the kids have a rough transition with the post dinner drop off. My older child (now 6.5) has expressed frustration a few times with going back and forth-I find it’s usually connected to times when we have to tweak our normal routine due to work commitments or school days off. My younger child rolls with it (as far as I can tell anyway) because he doesn’t remember anything different.

[Anonymous]

Two days on/two days off (2yo - 10yo)

At 10yo switched to Mon/Tues - mom, Wed/Thurs- dad, alternating weekends Fri/Sat/Sun

[Anonymous]

The logistics are definitely easier with one home base during the week and weekend visitation with the other parent, but if everyone cooperates shared custody during the week can work. I've noticed that parents who make it work have clothing, toys and necessities at each home that way there is no packing back and forth. This may have to mean duplicate toys, tablets, etc. Additionally, if the arrangement means each parent picks up the kids directly from school on different days then they actually have to commit to doing it. The latter reason is why this arrangement would never work for me and my ex -- as he was constantly running late and I had to pick up the kids anyway even if it was not my night. Both parents need to be willing to take on the parenting responsibility for it to work.

[Anonymous]

Friends of mine did the home base approach when their kids were very young. They lived close. Kids always slept at moms but would spend time on the weekends at dads.

What it did mean though was a commitment to working together and to mom being okay with dad still in the house all the time. Dad came over and he still did bedtime routine every night. Since the kids went to bed early, there was no other way for dad to see the kids during the week. Neither parent dated for the first couple years as being working divorced parents of young children was pretty much all consuming.

Once the kid were about 4 and 6 (about 2 years after the divorce) the kids did start to stay overnight at their dads house on occasion. The mom's job shifted hours and she had to go into work early so dad came over every morning and did the full morning routine and took the kids to school. He would stop by after work to say hi / good night but didn't always stay for the bedtime routine.

Once they were about 6 and 8, they settle into more of a schedule and the kids did go back and forth more. Both kids ended up in competitive sports - different sports often on the same days and weekend so each parent took one kid regardless of the day. Same with weekends - who was with the kids was more about you take kid A to this and I'll take kid b to that and they would make sure the next weekend, they switched the kid they were with. They had to work together and were really flexible in that they helped each other out.

It has worked really well. The kids are now 13 and 15. Parents are both remarried and still live one block apart. The kids pretty much go back and forth as they wish depending on who is serving what for dinner, who can help with homework / project / who can drive to x activity/ who can take them to friend's house etc.

All four adults get along and all get together for birthdays and major holidays, although each parent also does their own celebrations with extended families sometimes. They vacation separately and will tell the kids and other parent if they want the kids for a certain night / weekend for a particular reason. Any significant events both parents go. It has taken a great deal of communication, patience and sacrifice on the part of the parents but the kids are happy and healthy, and at this point, the parents and their respective partners are as well. The kids don't know any different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Friends of mine did the home base approach when their kids were very young. They lived close. Kids always slept at moms but would spend time on the weekends at dads.

What it did mean though was a commitment to working together and to mom being okay with dad still in the house all the time. Dad came over and he still did bedtime routine every night. Since the kids went to bed early, there was no other way for dad to see the kids during the week. Neither parent dated for the first couple years as being working divorced parents of young children was pretty much all consuming.

Once the kid were about 4 and 6 (about 2 years after the divorce) the kids did start to stay overnight at their dads house on occasion. The mom's job shifted hours and she had to go into work early so dad came over every morning and did the full morning routine and took the kids to school. He would stop by after work to say hi / good night but didn't always stay for the bedtime routine.

Once they were about 6 and 8, they settle into more of a schedule and the kids did go back and forth more. Both kids ended up in competitive sports - different sports often on the same days and weekend so each parent took one kid regardless of the day. Same with weekends - who was with the kids was more about you take kid A to this and I'll take kid b to that and they would make sure the next weekend, they switched the kid they were with. They had to work together and were really flexible in that they helped each other out.

It has worked really well. The kids are now 13 and 15. Parents are both remarried and still live one block apart. The kids pretty much go back and forth as they wish depending on who is serving what for dinner, who can help with homework / project / who can drive to x activity/ who can take them to friend's house etc.

All four adults get along and all get together for birthdays and major holidays, although each parent also does their own celebrations with extended families sometimes. They vacation separately and will tell the kids and other parent if they want the kids for a certain night / weekend for a particular reason. Any significant events both parents go. It has taken a great deal of communication, patience and sacrifice on the part of the parents but the kids are happy and healthy, and at this point, the parents and their respective partners are as well. The kids don't know any different.

Wow. This is an ideal situation. Unfortunately most of us are not so lucky. I wish my ex would co-parent in this way!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm going through a separation and wonder what has worked for folks when separating with little kids ( 2 kids, youngest is 3). We plan on doing joint custody, living very close to each other. Is moving them back and forth often better or worse for little people? As the mother i'm the default parent, but they are also attached to dad. Please no advice on sanctity of marriage, therapy, counseling, religion, etc. Been there done that.

No, you aren't. Default these days is 50/50.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm going through a separation and wonder what has worked for folks when separating with little kids ( 2 kids, youngest is 3). We plan on doing joint custody, living very close to each other. Is moving them back and forth often better or worse for little people? As the mother i'm the default parent, but they are also attached to dad. Please no advice on sanctity of marriage, therapy, counseling, religion, etc. Been there done that.

No, you aren't. Default these days is 50/50.

That's not what she meant.