Positive Discipline isn't working...

[Anonymous]

DD is two (27 months) and very, very active and spirited. When we go to a play date or this one play group, I have noticed that she is the only child who doesn't seem to understand no or taking turns. If another child has something she wants she takes it and will not give it back. She will knock/pull another kid off a riding toy if she wants it. None of the other kids - all her exact age practically - do this. To get her to give something back or let someone else have their turn, I actually have to physically restrain her.

What do I do? I tell her I understand it is hard for her to share or take turns and I try not to say no - but she is stubborn and simply wants what she wants.

What do I do now? TIA

[Anonymous]

She's 2. She does not understand what you're talking about (i.e. taking turns, etc) but I'll bet she'll understand a smack on her butt!

[Anonymous]

The other kids are not as great as you think, if they are also two. You just don't notice their issues nearly as much. She's two. She'll get there.

[Anonymous]

Just be firm and consistent. She takes another kid's toy? You firmly take her hand, remove the toy, give it back, and say "We don't grab. We wait for our turn." Repeat ad nauseam. When she gets it right--like even hesitates for a minute before trying to grab--praise her. When she REALLY gets it right, and waits her turn, make a flipping big deal out of it. "I'm SO proud that you waited your turn. That's great! I love it when you are patient." Hug, high-five etc.

It might not work right away but it should work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The other kids are not as great as you think, if they are also two. You just don't notice their issues nearly as much. She's two. She'll get there.

OP here. Yes, they actually are much better behaved and happier than my DD as they accept taking turns and hand toys back when told without having to be physically restrained. DD sobs when I have to pick her up and restrain her or else she will knock another kid off the toy because she wants it suddenly.

[Anonymous]

Say no and redirect her to something else. Heap lots of praise on her for the times she does share, etc. and "show" her how to share. So you can take the toy and give it back to the kid who was playing and then say "here you go Johnny...here's the car!" all excitedly. One thing to be careful about is inadvertently giving too much attention to her during the times when she is "misbehaving" - even telling her no and restraining her is a form of attention.

But all of those things will not always work because she's 2. How verbal is she? IT may be that she doesn't have the vocabulary yet to articulate what she wants so she grabs. There is a wide range of behavior at this age...and a wide range of sharing ability, etc....it's totally normal to be struggling with this. She will eventually get it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD is two (27 months) and very, very active and spirited. When we go to a play date or this one play group, I have noticed that she is the only child who doesn't seem to understand no or taking turns. If another child has something she wants she takes it and will not give it back. She will knock/pull another kid off a riding toy if she wants it. None of the other kids - all her exact age practically - do this. To get her to give something back or let someone else have their turn, I actually have to physically restrain her.

What do I do? I tell her I understand it is hard for her to share or take turns and I try not to say no - but she is stubborn and simply wants what she wants.

What do I do now? TIA

You need to say "no". Then redirect to another toy or remove her from the room if she has a tantrum. And repeat and repeat and repeat. Keep it simple. IME, when parents are trying to avoid saying 'no', they end up talking too much, explaining, etc. and not giving the message in a way their young children can understand. If you don't like "no" for some reason, then "stop" or "not now"

[Anonymous]

OP - you have to be physical at this age. Not spanking physical -- just enforcing physical.

She takes a toy from another child? You don't sit there and plead with her. You simply say: "Larla was using that toy. You have 2 choices. You can either wait for her to be finished with the toy, or you can play with something else" and then you take the toy from her as gently as possible, and return it to the other child. If Larla starts crying, then you can comfort her, but stay firm in returning the toy.

If she throws a full on tantrum, just say something like: "Looks like you could use a little break from playing" and then go somewhere together until she calms down a bit.

Also, consider reading "No Bad Kids". Very helpful with stuff like this.

[Anonymous]

She's still very young and doesn't have the brain development yet to restrain impulses. So yes, you are going to have to do a lot of hands-on redirection as well as active intervention and thinking about the environment (eg making sure there are enough toys to go around.) Yes, you could likely get more compliant behavior in the short term by spanking and screaming but I don't think that is what you want.

Also, positive discipline can include punishment! You can do very short time outs for behavior that is an absolute no like hitting. But repeated redirection and "hands are not for hitting" messages is still the main thing.

[Anonymous]

Positive discipline is snake oil in my opinion. It makes you think you are overcoming something when really the outcome remains unchanged. We physically remove our 2.5 year old from the situation whether It be a restaurant, play date or outing. Take them outside on the sidewalk, get on their level, hold their chin so they are looking you directly in the eyes and have a very stern conversation. This conversation doesn’t end until the child repeats back what the poor behavior was, agreed to stop, apologizes, and walks in holding your hand. This has worked for about a year now.

[Anonymous]

It's discipline, right? Why does it need to be positive. What is wrong with us

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Positive discipline is snake oil in my opinion. It makes you think you are overcoming something when really the outcome remains unchanged. We physically remove our 2.5 year old from the situation whether It be a restaurant, play date or outing. Take them outside on the sidewalk, get on their level, hold their chin so they are looking you directly in the eyes and have a very stern conversation. This conversation doesn’t end until the child repeats back what the poor behavior was, agreed to stop, apologizes, and walks in holding your hand. This has worked for about a year now.

Amen.

Also, repeated defiance will earn a spanking in our house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Positive discipline is snake oil in my opinion. It makes you think you are overcoming something when really the outcome remains unchanged. We physically remove our 2.5 year old from the situation whether It be a restaurant, play date or outing. Take them outside on the sidewalk, get on their level, hold their chin so they are looking you directly in the eyes and have a very stern conversation. This conversation doesn’t end until the child repeats back what the poor behavior was, agreed to stop, apologizes, and walks in holding your hand. This has worked for about a year now.

Amen.

Also, repeated defiance will earn a spanking in our house.

Yes, in our family too.

[Anonymous]

She doesn't sound badly behaved. Maybe the other kids have just matured a bit more in their impulse control.

"DD, Johnny is playing with that right now. I need you to wait for your turn." Then narrate what you're doing as you hand the toy back to Johnny. Then offer a different toy while she's waiting (if needed, tell her you're going to set the timer on your phone for 2 minutes and then she can ask Johnny for a turn with the toy). Be consistent and calm. If she can't accept that then she'll have to have either a timeout or leave the play date (depending on what consequence she responds better to). For my DD it usually worked to warn her, e.g. 'if you can't share/take turns then we'll have to [insert consequence]', provided I had implemented the consequence consistently a few times so she knew I was serious.

It goes without saying, but make sure she's not hungry or tired. You won't be able to overcome hungry or tired with discipline, all you can do is bail at that point.

Check out Janet Lansbury for advice. Her methods from her book "No Bad Kids" are great, and she has free articles on her website.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD is two (27 months) and very, very active and spirited. When we go to a play date or this one play group, I have noticed that she is the only child who doesn't seem to understand no or taking turns. If another child has something she wants she takes it and will not give it back. She will knock/pull another kid off a riding toy if she wants it. None of the other kids - all her exact age practically - do this. To get her to give something back or let someone else have their turn, I actually have to physically restrain her.

What do I do? I tell her I understand it is hard for her to share or take turns and I try not to say no - but she is stubborn and simply wants what she wants.

What do I do now? TIA

This is bullshit, and this is your problem. What do you do now? You say "No, Larla. Give the toy back to Larlo." And then you "help" her do it. Praise her for giving it back (even if it was begrudgingly) and then redirect her to something else.