Help me feel less guilty about filing for child support.

[Anonymous]

DH And I have been separated for about 5 months now. We had a verbal agreement on child support for our 2 kids but he has been very inconsistent. Some months he gives me less some months nothing at all. Lately I have been struggling financially and basically living paycheck to paycheck. So I filled for child support. I'm pretty sure he will be so upset when he gets the court hearing. I'm also pretty sure he will make me feel bad about it. How do I feel less guilty.

[Anonymous]

The support is for the children and it is in their best interest to have it. You are not spending it wastefully. You gave him a chance to pay without a court order and he has failed.

Regular, court-ordered payments will actually reduce conflict between the two of you, because you will have much less need to ask him to pay. It will be much better.

[Anonymous]

He can pay or be upset...you need to pay your bills.

[Anonymous]

It's not that you need the money -- your children need the money, and they are half his.

[Anonymous]

Asking/expecting your children's other parent to contribute regularly to fulfilling those children's needs shouldn't make you feel guilty.

[Anonymous]

You should never feel guilty for getting your kids what they need and are entitled to receive. This isn't about you or him. Now it's ok to feel empathy about the hardship - as he should feel for you. Divorce with kids is like a financial noose. But your kids shouldn't pay the price for the adults' decisions.

[Anonymous]

Your children are entitled to be supported by their Dad. If he is angry that you filed, that is really his problem - he is choosing to see it as a negative and he is choosing to get angry about it. His emotions are not your problem to manage.

Frankly, if you are afraid he will get angry, I think you should examine and deal with whether any emotional abuse was present in the relationship and, if so, get some help to recover from that. Visit loveisrespect.org to assess. Feeling guilty about filing for child support indicates you have some real difficulting setting appropriate boundaries - his actions have consequences, his mood is not sethimg you have to subject yourself to or manage for him.

[Anonymous]

I wish I had filed for child support. In the state of birth, child support was until 21. Circumstances changed and I had to move a short distance but across state lines - where child support is until 18. My child lost out on 4 critical years of support. Also, many times my ex arbitrarily changed how much he gave me - once by $1000 a month for years. It devastated me financially which had and will have a large impact on my kids.

File ASAP. If he's an ass about it, do what you can to minimize contact.

[Anonymous]

I am sorry that you are in such a situation. It sounds like you have a very soft and caring heart since you don't want to upset your children's dad. On the other hand, you want your children to be cared for. The truth is that a father IS responsible for his children. You also have a responsibility to them and you are fulfilling it by making sure they have enough food, clothes and other necessities. If filing for child support accomplishes this then it is the right thing to do.
Don't feel guilty. Pray for him. Ask God to give him a heart to love his children as you do. Children need that kind of support as much as they do financial support. I will pray for the same thing for all of you. Kids need to know that both parents love and care for them. I will also pray that God would give you wisdom to see and do what is right for you and your children. Much love to you and yours.

[Anonymous]

Don't feel bad. I was in a similar situation. Ex-h hired a lawyer, paid about $10,000 to the lawyer trying to fight with me. Lawyer was a jerk-off. He lied to my ex-h about what was going on in the case, what the likely outcome was going to be..... and even missed some HUGE issues that would have helped ex-h. I represented myself and was paying everything for our child. So, there was only upside for me. This was about 6 years ago. He now pays his child support regularly..... most interestingly- he actually became MORE generous with our child-- buying more expensive clothes, more expensive outings etc. There was some "discomfort" for awhile but it all ended up OK.

As you may know-- the biggest downside is that ex-h's in these situations usually ask for additional visitation. (Mine did- it didn't materialize but I was glad I was prepared for that "demand"/threat.)

[Anonymous]

This is money that is owed to your children. It is not for you. Do not feel guilty for one second for standing up for what your kids deserve. Your ex is scum for withholding money from his kids, do not let him off the hook.

[Anonymous]

Just stop OP. Stop feeling guilty. Stop being manipulated. This is not about you or your ex. This is about your kid. Demanding that he pay is what a responsible mother would do for her child. Not demanding this would be putting the feelings of adults over the needs of a child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't feel bad. I was in a similar situation. Ex-h hired a lawyer, paid about $10,000 to the lawyer trying to fight with me. Lawyer was a jerk-off. He lied to my ex-h about what was going on in the case, what the likely outcome was going to be..... and even missed some HUGE issues that would have helped ex-h. I represented myself and was paying everything for our child. So, there was only upside for me. This was about 6 years ago. He now pays his child support regularly..... most interestingly- he actually became MORE generous with our child-- buying more expensive clothes, more expensive outings etc. There was some "discomfort" for awhile but it all ended up OK.

As you may know-- the biggest downside is that ex-h's in these situations usually ask for additional visitation. (Mine did- it didn't materialize but I was glad I was prepared for that "demand"/threat.)

Absent a complicated situation like where the NCP owns a business, has irregular employment/underemployment or there is a child with special needs I don't understand why anyone hires a lawyer solely child support. It's a waste of money when you can do discovery on your own and courts rarely deviate from the guidelines.

[Anonymous]

Never feel guilty about this. He's a parent. You're a parent. Kids are expensive. It's not like you're asking for money so you can go out and buy a yacht and Cristal. You're asking for money to help feed and clothe them and provide health insurance and pay for extended day, etc.

If there's any "extra" money, you can always put it in the college fund so it's only benefiting the kids and not you. Done.

[Anonymous]

I recognize this is so much easier said than done, but:

Remember that you are not in charge of a grown man's feelings. You ARE in charge of steering these two small people into the world as functioning healthy happy adults with good coping mechanisms. Feelings have nothing to do with this.