Family drama and I don't know what to do
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Anonymous
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My stepbrother and his wife have been extremely rude to my mom and stepdad for a few years now. They didn't let them see their two kids. My stepbrother has acted like a total jerk. I got a text from my mom saying that he is living at their house in the finished basement as well as his two kids. My mom has an 8 bedroom house. I am currently living in another country and have to go back to the states to apply for a visa and then will leave again in 5-10 days or when the visa is processed. She tells me that I should stay in a hotel instead, as things are "highly tense and stressful" in the house. Let me just say, my entire family causes me a lot of stress. It's a highly chaotic family situation. I'm the youngest of 6 siblings and step siblings and there is so much favoritism and clique type of behavior. I can't stand it. I'm highly sensitive and I just want to run away from all of it.
My stepbrother's wife is staying in a hotel. I'm not sure what is up, but she hates my mom and stepdad... and I find it highly weird that she isn't with the kids. Apparently, he took the kids to my parents house and she stayed behind at their house in another state and then came to the state my parents are in afterwards and is staying at a nearby hotel. She has said some really horrible stuff about my parents to me thinking that I would engage with her in that conversation. I didn't reply at all (it was via email). I just find the whole situation weird and I'm hurt that my mom would do that to me. I feel like I don't even have a family in the states after this. It's really f*cking upsetting. My stepbrother has treated them like dirt, but they would go to the ends of the earth for him. I said to my mom, "Well I hope I get to see you" and she said "Yeah, we can get together." Mind you, I won't be back in the states for a year and a half after this. 1) What should I do? 2) What do you think sounds like is going on with my stepbro? It kinda sounds like divorce to me. I can't imagine why they would be living separate with her in a hotel. My mom also said that "he" is trying to sell "his" house (not "their" house). Foreclosure? Why would a couple just up and leave their home completely and go to another state before it's even sold? Also, he is living/working from home in my parent's basement! Wtf. |
Anonymous
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1) stay in a hotel. Go out to lunches and dinners with your parents. Go to their house if they want you to.
2) divorce. But also, lots of people with kids do move out for a while to sell. It's SO hard to keep kids clean and their rooms picked up while selling. |
Anonymous
This. Go, stay in a hotel, take your parents out to dinner and stay out of the drama. You are lucky in the sense that this really does not involve you nor does it require your input. |
Anonymous
| Did you miss the part that I'm going to be leaving for a long time and out of the country? it hurts my feelings. I don't feel like my mom cares AT ALL that this is the last time she will see me for a long time - possibly years. |
Anonymous
No, OP, people got that. But you said that you hated the drama and tension, and one way to minimize that is to stay somewhere else, which might be why your mom suggested it. Or stay at the house and deal with the drama and tension. Those are your two options, neither of which is great. |
Anonymous
Exactly. Your poor mother probably needs a break from all of the high drama inside of her house. Maybe plan a ladies day out where you eat lunch and get your nails done. Just stay out of the drama that way no one can drag you into that mess. |
Anonymous
| She cares enough that she told you to stay in a hotel. She doesn't want to subject you to the stress and craziness. She probably wants to come to your hotel with you. |
Anonymous
| OP here. I do see what you mean. The thing is, I get the feeling maybe she doesn't want me there. This is all through text so I only have that to go off of. It's such a weird situation because my mom and stepdad haven't been allowed to see my stepbrother's kids at all (they were living across the country about as far as you could get). My stepbrother and his wife completely snubbed my parents. His wife HATES my parents - and now her kids are living in their house. It's completely bizarre. I'm a little shocked but also don't want anything to do with it. I feel like I can't live on the same continent as my family. It's just constant drama and stress. Maybe my mom is trying not to expose me to it but it kinda feels like she doesn't care or give a crap. I'm really not sure what is going on, but if his wife is coming to pick the kids up, then that's a toxic situation. |
Anonymous
| Perhaps call your mom and talk to her? So much gets lost in text. |
Anonymous
| I don't get why you cannot stay in an upstairs room. I'd come and stay with friends or in a hotel and not be bothered with anyone. |
Anonymous
I think the mom knows OP doesn't like drama. |
Anonymous
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I think your mother probably knows how ugly things are getting and that one more straw might cause a lot more problems than she is prepared to deal with.
Don't question her. Stay in a hotel and when she comes to visit her - talk to her and find out exactly what the he** is going on. |
Anonymous
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Having been in tense family relationships where I'm the one living overseas, I understand your position, OP. First, you need to call and hear their voices to really get a feel for the situation. Call your mother. She's doing you a favor by telling you to go to a hotel. If you want to hear the scoop from the others, call the others too. Don't rely on one source of info in that kind of situation! You will get nothing from texts and emails. |
Anonymous
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She may be trying to protect you and she may be desperate to maintain a relationship with your brother and his kids after the pain of being cut off for years. Also - is it possible she thinks of you as the "sane adult " child who she doesn't have to coddle, tiptoe around or protect. Unfortunately, the healthy family members sometimes get less attention or focus.
In truth, it sounds like an awful place to stay - right on the thick of the drama. Why would you want to be there, especially if you are sensitive and easily stressed by it all, as you described? You don't have to stay with them to get quality time. In truth, your time together might be even better for both of you out of her home. Try to see it as a positive. I know it's hard, and I do understand your hurt. |
Anonymous
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It sounds like you had a chance to find out everything that's happening with your bro (via the emails from your sister in law) but you decided to "stay out of the drama". Everyone has accommodated your desire to stay out of it all. So you can't come in now and be all nosy and wondering what's up. Whether they're getting divorced isn't really your business.
And it may very well be that they don't like you, since maybe they reached out thinking that you'd be there for them emotionally and instead you showed them that you don't care about them. And maybe your mom is trying to not let you into the mix when she knows that it will just create more tension. Maybe your mom is looking out for the kids. Maybe the wife has medical issues. Who knows... I think you should simply ask to spend some time with your mom away from the drama. Just text her back and say that it sounds like there's a lot of stuff going on over there, thanks for leaving you out of it like you requested, you'd really like to see her though since it might be your last chance for several years, you propose she meets you at X place at Y time, would that work for her? |