alright -- tell me if i'm right to be upset here

[Anonymous]

Trying to figure out if my husband and I are right in being ticked off at my sister. She's a PhD student out in CA (though she's married to someone who makes very good money in the private sector). She is almost certainly not going to my daughter's first birthday party this fall, has met her 2 times, and literally never asks me about her. She is also almost certainly not going to my husband's grad school graduation, even though we went to her MA graduation overseas and are schlepping our daughter out to her PhD graduation next year.

I get that she's busy finishing her dissertation, but we both work full-time and have still made time for her (and will continue to do so).

Am I right to be perturbed?

[Anonymous]

I dunno if you're right or not, but it is what it is and people have a right to make decisions based on what works for them at this point in time, not some tit for tat equation.

I would make peace with it the best way you know how and try to manage your own expectations going forward.

[Anonymous]

Um, no. If you don't want to go to her graduation, don't go. In your shoes, I'd probably leave the baby home with your husband and just go out alone for the weekend. I wouldn't expect her to attend her BIL's grad school graduation, or a first birthday party. Stop bean counting.

[Anonymous]

In my experience when people are working on their dissertations they are barely coherent. Even the nicest of my friends couldn't talk about it, and were not that fun in the final half year or so of finishing and prepping to defend.

[Anonymous]

She just not that into you or your kid. Lower your expectations, and stop keeping track.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I dunno if you're right or not, but it is what it is and people have a right to make decisions based on what works for them at this point in time, not some tit for tat equation.

I would make peace with it the best way you know how and try to manage your own expectations going forward.

The bold. If you don't want to go to her graduations, don't go.

[Anonymous]

Do you live in the DC area? I would absolutely not expect my sibling to fly cross country for a kid's birthday party, even a 1st birthday. I would not have gone overseas to her master's graduation (non-terminal degree graduations are not a big deal). And I would not expect her to go to her BIL's grad school graduation either.

[Anonymous]

You live across the country, and she's seen your daughter 2 times in the past year? That's actually pretty good - especially for working on her PhD.

I would never think of going to an in-laws graduation.

You should not feel obligated to go to her graduation either. See each other because you want to, not on "occasions" or because you have to.

If she's working on her dissertation, the Fall may be an extremely busy time. Don't overthink things, or look for offense when it's not that complicated - sometimes people have their own important stuff going on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You live across the country, and she's seen your daughter 2 times in the past year? That's actually pretty good - especially for working on her PhD.

I would never think of going to an in-laws graduation.

You should not feel obligated to go to her graduation either. See each other because you want to, not on "occasions" or because you have to.

If she's working on her dissertation, the Fall may be an extremely busy time. Don't overthink things, or look for offense when it's not that complicated - sometimes people have their own important stuff going on.

Agreed. OP, I think you're expecting an awful lot of your sister.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you live in the DC area? I would absolutely not expect my sibling to fly cross country for a kid's birthday party, even a 1st birthday. I would not have gone overseas to her master's graduation (non-terminal degree graduations are not a big deal). And I would not expect her to go to her BIL's grad school graduation either.

100% this.

I don't know her, obviously, but I just don't really like kids. They're not my thing. When my brother and his wife had babies I really was not clamoring to try to visit them or hold them or whatnot...I just wasn't. Now that they're s little older we have a lot more fun together and they've grown on me. Certainly while I was in school, I wouldn't have been flying across the country to watch a baby sleep and crap its pants while everyone else sat around and ate a store bought cake.

It is also not fair to imply that her husband should foot the bill for her to do this, either.

You sound like you make every event into a big production, and maybe she's just tired of it.

[Anonymous]

She's allowed to skip your child's 1st birthday and your husband's graduation. You're allowed to skip her graduation. If you expect more from people than they are able to give, you will be disappointed. You can only control yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I dunno if you're right or not, but it is what it is and people have a right to make decisions based on what works for them at this point in time, not some tit for tat equation.

I would make peace with it the best way you know how and try to manage your own expectations going forward.

Yup, this.

[Anonymous]

I'd be upset she never asked about the baby, but do you bring her up anyway? She might not need to ask if you start sharing stories, etc. without being prompted.

Graduations are boring. I wouldn't expect her to go. (If you go to your sister's, go only to the hooding for PhDs. Not the mass graduation ceremony.) First birthday parties are silly, so I wouldn't expect that either.

[Anonymous]

You don't really expect your siblings to fly across the country for a 1yo's birthday party, do you?? That's insane. Certifiable. And incredibly narcissistic.

Also as a former PhD student, I'll just remind you of the obvious -- grad students don't have tons of disposable cash.

[Anonymous]

Who in the world would fly cross-country for a 1-year-old's birthday???