Borderline Mom

[Anonymous]

My borderline mother is making me so emotionally exhausted that I can hardly focus on my own life. She makes everything I do about her. If I visit a friend for the weekend she is offended that I didn't visit her instead. If I see my husband's family, who live locally, she is offended and believes I favor them over her (who lives 10 hours away in a remote location where you can't fly easily). If my in-laws offer to watch our son so we can go away for a weekend, she is offended that we asked them and not her (for what it's worth, she never just offers like they do, but even if she did, she is not a safe person for overnights. Of course I could never come right out and say this to her, she would go ballistic.) The smallest things are giant blow ups. Full on screaming and crying tantrums, tons of blaming and anger. She is always and intensely the victim. Recently she asked about Xmas plans and I invited her to share Xmas with us, and she STILL had an epic meltdown for a reason I don't even understand. She isn't grounded in reality and can literally think and verbalize two opposing things at once. If you try to point that out to her, she cries and says you're picking on her. I know better than to try to reason with her, but when she has you up against a wall it's hard to know what to do to get out of it.

I have a great therapist, and I work every day, but I'm so messed up by my childhood with her that I can't seem to extricate myself from it all emotionally. My siblings have all more or less tried to set some boundaries that have worked, but my relationship with her is so toxic and enmeshed. She has always favored me and called me her "best friend" and "soul mate" so any tiny boundary I try to set is met with deep feelings of betrayal from her (that she communicates with long hurtful e-mails and texts).

I know that it is my own personal work to set boundaries, and that she will not and/or cannot change. I am just terrified of her. Every communication makes my heart race. Anything I communicate to her can set her into a tizzy that can last for days. I work hard in therapy and I want to get to a point where I can be happy in the present moment, but right now I'm just not there.

Just venting. Anyone else have a similar situation?

[Anonymous]

I hear you, much of the same is my experience with my mom. Keep working through it with therapy. You do not need her as much as she needs you and it is not a crime nor is it heartless if you limit contact. It takes time to get strong or there may just be that one incident that drives home the point for you. I would work on limiting contact and starting from there. Let me guess something tragic happened like Dad died, left, and she leaned on you hard while growing up. That is not right or fair. Remember your mental health, your husband, and your kids come first before her. Look at it this way, when the shoe was on the other foot, she put everything else before you first. You're just returning the favor and don't owe this woman anything.

[Anonymous]

Your child/ren deserve to have a mother who is focused on them. Not spending so much time and emotion dealing with her own mentally ill, manipulative and abusive mother. Work towards that. You said you are terrified of her and every communication makes your heart race. Be a good mother first, and put daughter last on your list.

[Anonymous]

I am in the same situation. It's good you have an awareness that her behavior is not normal or ok. It took me years to realize that her treatment of me was abusive.

I recommend the book "walking on eggshells"

[Anonymous]

Thank you to those who responded. I did read Walking on Eggshells, and also the Borderline Mother. They resonated deeply with me, but did not do much to help me truly emotionally feel like I can move forward from her. I feel like a prisoner. Her happiness has always been in my hands, and my letting go, I feel like I'm hurting her. I KNOW I'm not. I know this is a fiction that she has created, but its hard to feel it.

I've made progress in therapy (when I went in a few years ago, I was defending her) but I'm missing a piece of the puzzle - like I'm grasping around but can't hold onto anything.

Hopefully my continuing work in therapy will help. I just want to be free of her.

[Anonymous]

Tell her you need a break from her narcissistic personality, that you love her but can't communicate right now, and that you will keep informed via your siblings.

And then follow-through. I suggest a year.

My mother is not that bad, even though she has tendencies. I have had to be direct with her, and it's gotten a lot better.

[Anonymous]

I don't have any advice, just support for you. My Mom tends to be overly dramatic but nowhere near what yours does. Even with the drama it gets really tiring. I don't think we can change them though. It's just learning to accept them for who they are and not reacting. I used to react and it always caused a lot of tension and stress. Now I just let things roll of my back more when I hear drama being started. It's still annoying but what can you do?

[Anonymous]

Boundaries and follow through with them, as a PP suggested. I/m not a therapist but this has worked for others. If your therapist agrees, you may want to try something like the approach below...

Start with the following communication - Mom, I love you. I am taking a break from communications for a few months to deal with an urgent need. I will be in touch directly once a month by (text, email, phone).

Direct her emails to a separate folder and block her texts during this time - do not engage, do not read them.

Initiate contact as per the schedule you stated with her and engage only for a set period of time. Then sign off - Mom, I love you. I have to go and will talk to you next month.

See how this makes you feel and if the boundaries improve your relationship with yourself, your family as well as with your Mom.

Again, if you and your therapist agree a boundary-setting exercise in some measure may be helpful.