Confronting past parental abuse

[Anonymous]

I'm a young adult who plans on confronting my parents in the near future about how they were emotionally and psychologically abusive towards me as a teenager. I'm currently seeing a therapist, more or less know what I want to say, and know I can handle any fallout at least from a financial perspective but don't completely know how to prepare emotionally. I'm working on a plan with my therapist but at the same time know that there's any number of things that could happen that we couldn't realistically (or healthily) cover. Does anyone have any advice? For reference, two of the most likely reactions I can imagine happening are denial or screaming/yelling. In some ways this might not be as gigantic a loss as it would be in another situation because the abuse has already broken many other relationships that I had growing up (some gone completely, others not what they once were), causing me to move away and start my life over again.

[Anonymous]

Just to keep working on the plan with your therapist, including a plan for exiting the conversation so you don't subject yourself to more abuse in the process. That and a plan for future conversation: "I will not tolerate you speaking to me this way. I'm leaving now/hanging up." Good luck and good for you!

[Anonymous]

First, I cannot relate to your situation. I am wondering what you expect from your parents when you confront them?
Their reaction will probably be denial and throw it back on you. What is your plan then? Exclude them from your life? I just think you need to be prepared.

[Anonymous]

My parents were emotionally and psychologically abusive to me as a child and a teenager. They believed in spanking, too, and hit me a lot, but the real abuse was emotional/psychological.

Sometimes I think about confronting them. But I know it would do nothing. They'd just get all defensive and emit a huge cloud of rationalizations. They are narcissists and obsessed with themselves and their own problems, they haven't given a moments thought to me or the problems/pain they caused me.

If through some miracle they came to me, identified exactly what they did, explained why it was abusive, and expressed sorrow, that would be a huge victory... for them. That would mean they were making huge progress as human beings. This has about one in a million chance of happening, but if it did, it wouldn't do anything for me, because I am in charge of my own progress and mental well-being, neither of which depends on them.

My advice is not to bother with a confrontation. Recognize their limitations, whatever they are. Say everything you need to say to your therapist, not them, and work it out that way.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't confront them. They had every right to raise you as they saw fit. Now that you are an adult you can walk away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't confront them. They had every right to raise you as they saw fit. Now that you are an adult you can walk away.

I disagree considering I'm lucky to be alive.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, that won't work well.

I tried that in my 20s, and predictably my mother played the victim again, which ensured that my father came to her rescue. Typical.

What helped was for me to accept that my parents were imprisoned in their isolated, strange little world, that they would never acknowledge any responsibility for anything, and that my job was to move on and BE HAPPY.

Which I am. I love my parents, BTW. I know what not to do with my children, thanks to them

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't confront them. They had every right to raise you as they saw fit. Now that you are an adult you can walk away.

I disagree considering I'm lucky to be alive.

Doesn't matter to them . Clearly THEY thought you needed to be abused. But you made it through now stay away. Why allow them to abuse your more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Yeah, that won't work well.

I tried that in my 20s, and predictably my mother played the victim again, which ensured that my father came to her rescue. Typical.

What helped was for me to accept that my parents were imprisoned in their isolated, strange little world, that they would never acknowledge any responsibility for anything, and that my job was to move on and BE HAPPY.

Which I am. I love my parents, BTW. I know what not to do with my children, thanks to them

This is a healthy approach, which my husband also uses to cope with his narcissistic father and bipolar mother.

[Anonymous]

I would prepare and plan for the worst case scenario - whatever that is for you. And I would focus on having expectations only around what you can ensure happens yourself - don't set yourself up to expect anything at all from them. Confront them if it is the right thing for you, and if doing so will free you in some way, not because you hope for any particular response or action from them.

Good luck OP. You are your own person now and you can control your future. I wish you healing and peace.

[Anonymous]

My husband and I both had somewhat the same upbringing due to being from the same culture. Much of our abuse and neglect caused by our mothers came from cultural norms in addition to being psychologically damaged themselves. We have gone through therapy and tried confronting on several occasions. It was of no use as their abusive behavior is so deeply ingrained and they are delusional. From their vantage point, they were mothers of the year, when in fact the reality was more like living with Mommy Dearest Joan Crawford 24/7. I no longer speak to my mother and my husband has limited contact. I am cautioning you that while it sounds like you have made tremendous progress through your therapy, don't expect some ah ha moment from them as a result of the confrontation. My abusive mother got to a point, where I couldn't stand the sight of her. My husband still has to interact with his mom because his Dad is still in the picture, but it saddens me to see her break his heart every chance she gets. Like he puts a lot of thought and effort into a birthday present for his mom, then she gets it, and goes wtf is this crap, don't give me this garbage. If you don't mind that kind of stuff, then keep the relationship, but for me it isn't worth it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I both had somewhat the same upbringing due to being from the same culture. Much of our abuse and neglect caused by our mothers came from cultural norms in addition to being psychologically damaged themselves. We have gone through therapy and tried confronting on several occasions. It was of no use as their abusive behavior is so deeply ingrained and they are delusional. From their vantage point, they were mothers of the year, when in fact the reality was more like living with Mommy Dearest Joan Crawford 24/7. I no longer speak to my mother and my husband has limited contact. I am cautioning you that while it sounds like you have made tremendous progress through your therapy, don't expect some ah ha moment from them as a result of the confrontation. My abusive mother got to a point, where I couldn't stand the sight of her. My husband still has to interact with his mom because his Dad is still in the picture, but it saddens me to see her break his heart every chance she gets. Like he puts a lot of thought and effort into a birthday present for his mom, then she gets it, and goes wtf is this crap, don't give me this garbage. If you don't mind that kind of stuff, then keep the relationship, but for me it isn't worth it.

Thank you for your insight. I'm not expecting them to change their ways but instead want to express my hurt feelings so that nobody can say they didn't know how I really feel. Confronting them will be more for me than anything. I'm sick of being in this middle ground where I'm supposed to "play nice" and just pretend that nothing ever happened to me but somehow I mysteriously decided to move away from everyone and have all of these broken past ties . I definitely think I've made progress coming to terms with all of this but admittedly am still in the process of working through it.

[Anonymous]

You're only engaging with them because you expect them to change. They won't. It will just cost you more.

I highly doubt any legit therapist will get you to "confront" them.

Just walk away. You can tell them why you're walking away as you're doing it.

[Anonymous]

I would write thm a letter if it is about telling then how you feel.

In person could be a disaster. They likely won't hear how you feel, they will make it about how you've hurt them, how they are the victims and you are bad guys, they may get very emotional etc. It is unlikely you will leave having felt heard or even as through you were able to express how you felt given that a conversation is hard to control.

[Anonymous]

OP, be prepared for not only flat out denial by them, but also for them to say "we don't know why you're so upset with us!" even after you've explained why.
DH cut off his parents in a very clear way, explained why he needed time away from them (they were abusive) and they still come at us with "what is wrong???" and "what are you hiding from us??"
I know you think you owe an explanation to them, but you don't. And even if you offer one to them, they're not likely to accept it.