Severing ties with a parent for good as an adult

[Anonymous]

Quick backstory, my mother is an emotionally abusive, bully, victim-playing, possibly bi-polar/schizophrenic lunatic who I have financially carried for the past 30 years. Paid rent, car payment, misc expenses, for this woman and she is horribly ungrateful. Abusive to my husband who also has done nothing but try to help her. She has done nothing to improve her situation except waste money on living beyond her means.
I have been in therapy over this woman and found the strength to sever ties. When the kids were born, my husband insisted that I rebuild a relationship with her as she has changed and it would be good for the kids to know their grandmother so I let her back into my life. Big mistake. For the first 4 years of the kids lives, she was good to them and tolerable to me. Two years ago, she slipped back into her nasty self and again found herself in financial ruin.
Last year, she/we reached the end of the line in being able to pay her rent as it was necessary due to issues with our children that we put them in private school so she ended up living with us. I have one brother, whose wife (obviously) can’t stand my mother and wants nothing to do with her.
We are now in our 40’s and planning for retirement and children’s futures. Due to lots of twists and turns mainly caused by her, I have discovered there is approximately $15,000 debt that is in my name created by her. Last week, I inquired about this in a very civil manner and wanted to have a discussion of how this cannot continue. Well, she became enraged and shockingly violent for the first time in years. Last time she was violent with anyone was back when I was a kid.
All of this was done in the presence of our 2 young children. My husband literally threw her out of the house and she went to my brother’s house. He has given her 1 week to get her act together and offered to buy her a plane ticket to live with a relative overseas. She keeps calling and texting me to take her back.
My therapist is on vacation so I need some encouragement today. It has been a wonderful 4 days since she has been gone, quiet and peaceful in the house. I have resolved that I want nothing to do with her, not even when she is on her death bed, and I will also refrain from responding to her nasty text messages.
She writes such horrible things and makes up stories/lies about my husband that it drives me bonkers. It is very difficult for me to not respond, but I know once you engage with an irrational lunatic, they will just go on and on, dragging you into their madness.
Has anyone else experience anything similar with a parent? If so, how did you handle it? If kids were involved, how did you explain it to them why Grandma was no longer a part of their lives?

[Anonymous]

Sooooo sad. Not to this level AT ALL. My mother had lots of issues and some of her issues actually caused life-long (serious) health issues for me.... so I can relate a little bit. It is hard and difficult.

I was honest with my kids from a young age about some of the things. I also let them have independent relationships with her as they got older since they didn't suffer as much from her issues. Maybe you can find a way for the kids to still FaceTime with her a little bit or something? I had to specifically tell my mother that if she caused my kids any inkling of the health issues she caused me- she would never see them again. She knew I was serious and she never did.

We had a difficult relationship right up to her death.

Stay strong!!!!

[Anonymous]

Cut her off and out of your life ASAP. Also, disputed the debt. Enough is enough!

[Anonymous]

PP here...dispute the debt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sooooo sad. Not to this level AT ALL. My mother had lots of issues and some of her issues actually caused life-long (serious) health issues for me.... so I can relate a little bit. It is hard and difficult.

I was honest with my kids from a young age about some of the things. I also let them have independent relationships with her as they got older since they didn't suffer as much from her issues. Maybe you can find a way for the kids to still FaceTime with her a little bit or something? I had to specifically tell my mother that if she caused my kids any inkling of the health issues she caused me- she would never see them again. She knew I was serious and she never did.

We had a difficult relationship right up to her death.

Stay strong!!!!

Thank you, will discuss the FaceTime option with my husband to check if he's ok with that because at this point he was nothings to do with her

[Anonymous]

Block her phone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Block her phone.

I just did it! Very empowering feeling.

[Anonymous]

Whoa, OP. You should have cut her off a loooong time ago. Strength to you! The people over at DWIL Nation (google it) can be really helpful.

[Anonymous]

I don't think you need to have a big thing to cut her out. Just stop communicating with her. Make it a non-event and don't be dramatic. If the kids ask about her, be non-committal and just say that she is not behaving appropriately right now.

[Anonymous]

Wow, you have gone above and beyond, OP.

You tell your children that: Grandma has problems that she needs to solve; you have tried to help her but that you cannot always help people if they don't want to be helped; Grandma is not around right now because of Grandma and NOT because of anything that they have done; and, you still love Grandma and you will always love Grandma but it is best if Grandma is not around right now until she can get some of her problems solved.

Then you work on fighting off the creditors, rebuilding your credit and rebuilding your lives.

I agree with a PP that you don't have to make this a big production and that you just stop communicating. No drama. But you do need to tell the children that this is about Grandma and not them.

[Anonymous]

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Sooooo sad. Not to this level AT ALL. My mother had lots of issues and some of her issues actually caused life-long (serious) health issues for me.... so I can relate a little bit. It is hard and difficult.

I was honest with my kids from a young age about some of the things. I also let them have independent relationships with her as they got older since they didn't suffer as much from her issues. Maybe you can find a way for the kids to still FaceTime with her a little bit or something? I had to specifically tell my mother that if she caused my kids any inkling of the health issues she caused me- she would never see them again. She knew I was serious and she never did.

We had a difficult relationship right up to her death.

Stay strong!!!! [/quote]

Thank you, will discuss the FaceTime option with my husband to check if he's ok with that because at this point he was nothings to do with her [/quote]

[Anonymous]

How did she create $15000 of debt in your name? Lock your credit so new accounts can't be opened without your knowledge. If someone is not financially supporting her she may become desparate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How did she create $15000 of debt in your name? Lock your credit so new accounts can't be opened without your knowledge. If someone is not financially supporting her she may become desparate.

If she stole you identity, I would call the police and have them arrest her. Hopefully no one will bail her out. If she lives in your house, legally you can't just kick her out

[Anonymous]

Change the locks.
Contact the credit bureau and lock your credit.
Dispute the debt.
If she returns and continues to threaten violence or be violent, contact the police and get a restraining order.
Get yourself back into therapy to help you navigate the issues ahead--how to talk to your kids, how to deal with other family members, etc.

I don't think that cutting off family should be done lightly, but your mother sounds like she has crossed the line. You have to keep yourself and your kids safe.

[Anonymous]

No advice, OP, just wanted to wish you luck. You've put up with a lot and you deserve to be free of this.