Wanted big family but think we can only handle two kids. Sad.

[Anonymous]

Can anybody relate, especially those who've made it to the other side of feeling sad and on to appreciating the family you have?

We have two kids, boy and girl. Lots of people tell us our family is perfect and we are lucky to be done. But I grew up with just one half brother who is 12 years older than me and I wish I had a closer sibling or two. I love the idea of a big chaotic, close family. But I think my husband and I can probably only handle the kids we have. One of our kids does have a developmental delay that makes things a bit more difficult. We're exhausted as it is and we're not wealthy.

Any suggestions on how to let go of the family I imagined so that I can fully enjoy the family I have? It doesn't help that I grew up with my mom often telling me how she wanted to have lots more kids but couldn't.

[Anonymous]

Yes. DH and I both have ADHD, one of our two children has ADHD, and there is no way we can have a super-busy, multi-tasking kind of life. We do what we can. A big family is not for us. And that's not counting the expense of it, our age and our health!

[Anonymous]

Keep active with the family that you do have. You have the bandwidth to do more with two kids than you would with three or four or five, so embrace that. Go camping, take vacations together, go berry picking and to the pumpkin patch and to amusement parks. Let them join the travel soccer team or competitive dance troop that you might not be able to handle if you had had the option to do if you had had more than two kids. Create that togetherness that you are craving with the two amazing children you do have, and practice gratitude for their presence and continued good health.

I know it sounds cheesy in this context, but pets can truly add so much to a lively family dynamic, so maybe consider adding a cat or dog or both to your brood.

[Anonymous]

Ugh... the whiny, self-indulgent threads are the worst!

[Anonymous]

My second was born at 31 weeks and had an issue that required about 36 months of surgical procedures as she hit growth milestones. I was so so sad that we wouldn't be able to have more kids but knew we couldn't handle more. I grieved it for awhile and never really got over. Then all the sudden around K things became manageable again and we ended up having one more when my youngest was 7.5 and I was 43. I would have never planned to have kids 10, 8 and 6 mo and no part of me wanted to be 43 and pregnant BUT it was the only way we could handle a bigger family. So maybe a bigger spacing might help? It gave us a chance to breath and DHs earning potential climbed too making it financially realistic. Is there anyway waiting 5 plus years might work?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Keep active with the family that you do have. You have the bandwidth to do more with two kids than you would with three or four or five, so embrace that. Go camping, take vacations together, go berry picking and to the pumpkin patch and to amusement parks. Let them join the travel soccer team or competitive dance troop that you might not be able to handle if you had had the option to do if you had had more than two kids. Create that togetherness that you are craving with the two amazing children you do have, and practice gratitude for their presence and continued good health.

I know it sounds cheesy in this context, but pets can truly add so much to a lively family dynamic, so maybe consider adding a cat or dog or both to your brood.

This. I always loved visiting my aunt and uncle who had 6 kids and the busy household that came with that. I pictured myself having at least 4 kids. But, reality is we can't afford to have 4 kids and provide what we'd like (college, extracurriculars, travel) plus while I enjoyed visiting that big, busy family, I'm an introvert who likes a quieter life most of the time and so is DH. Once we had 2 DH especially felt like he was at his limit in the amount of stress. If we'd started our family younger, maybe we'd have had a third when our two were older and life was less stressful but as it is, DH will be ready to retire when our younger finishes college. Adding a couple dogs to our family injected the fun and cuteness we missed when our kids were out of that little-kid stage. And I don't have to worry about sending them to college

[Anonymous]

Get dogs and take them to Home Depot.

[Anonymous]

Don't be sad. Be happy you realized your limitations unlike me. We probably should have stopped at two. I am going to tell you the downsides of not listening to your gut. I in no way regret the additional two we had, just look back in hindsight to give you some insight.

My husband is add and has some depression issues. We both work. I can't quit for a variety of reasons. We have a child with ADHD. The stress of dealing with my husbands limitations and my son has nearly destroyed our marriage. We may make it out ok, we'll see.

The sheer noise of four children puts my husband over the edge. It is really hard to travel to hotels, everything costs way more because you need more plane tickets, extra or larger rooms. My children cannot do as many extra curricular activities because we just can't handle all the running. Your lifestyle changes a lot with more kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't be sad. Be happy you realized your limitations unlike me. We probably should have stopped at two. I am going to tell you the downsides of not listening to your gut. I in no way regret the additional two we had, just look back in hindsight to give you some insight.

My husband is add and has some depression issues. We both work. I can't quit for a variety of reasons. We have a child with ADHD. The stress of dealing with my husbands limitations and my son has nearly destroyed our marriage. We may make it out ok, we'll see.

The sheer noise of four children puts my husband over the edge. It is really hard to travel to hotels, everything costs way more because you need more plane tickets, extra or larger rooms. My children cannot do as many extra curricular activities because we just can't handle all the running. Your lifestyle changes a lot with more kids.

ditto. I too have 4. It is very, very hard on a marriage. Kids have a blast, but the parents definitely sacrifice, perhaps too much for their health and well-being.

[Anonymous]

How old are your kids OP and how old are you?

I had my kids in my mid/late 30s so two was what I was willing to do because I didn't want three packed together close in age. I would have lost my mind. But if I'd started younger, I absolutely would have gone for a third 4-5 years after the youngest child.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks for the responses so far.

Kids are 5 and 3. I am 34.

[Anonymous]

Your Title line reads like a Trump tweet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your Title line reads like a Trump tweet.

hahaha

Oh gosh. That's scary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for the responses so far.

Kids are 5 and 3. I am 34.

Ok, so re-evaluate where you are in 2 years. You might decide 2 kids is the right number for you or things might seem more manageable and like you can have a third.

In your situation, I don't think you need to let go of anything just yet. Just be for a while and then see what happens.

I know so many families that had a third bonus kid anywhere from 4-8 years after the second. Seems like an awesome dynamic.

[Anonymous]

I can tell you as the daughter of someone who should have stopped at two, but had 5 because she always wanted a big family and chaos is so much, fun it's better for your kids- the two you have and your dream babies that you stay at two.